4 Days to Christmas

I had a dream last night that was one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. Its a little late to jot it down now but I'll try to write what I can remember. I remember walking towards the market place or something with my mom, and behind some bushes under a block there were these two people. We walked through towards the them, and turns out it was well, her, with her mom and they were feeding some cats that were gathered around them. We talked for a bit.

Scene cut, and next thing I know, I was at a supermarket with her and her mom, and we were getting some vegetables and stuff for dinner. We wandered off and went to pick up some stuff, and walked over to meet her mom at the cashier to pay for the items. Her mom was ahead, and I was leaning against the metal railing, and she came closer and leaned in against me, and I breathed her in and somehow I could feel her smiling, and I smiled, and I realised that her mom was right there so I pushed her back a little. We headed back to her house a while, but I waited outside, and somehow or rather I hurt myself or got sick or something, and she told me to come inside, and I remember being secretly happy and all. I remember trying to take in as much of her house as I could, because I was afraid that this was gonna be the last time that I would be in her house, the place in which she grew up, the environment she eats, sleeps, works, and plays in. I remember watching her cook a meal, and resting my head on her shoulder, and we were close. Then my illness, whatever it was, got a little bit bad, so she made me go rest while my mom was on the way to pick me up. At this point, suddenly my cat ran in through the door, and lay down on the floor and started panting, because he was being chased by either a kitten or a hoard of cats outside.

Next thing I knew, I got a secret message on my phone telling me to report to duty. Somehow I knew to look under the bed, because there was a purple, single pilot plane right underneath. The cockpit opened from the top and I slid in, and in the initial moments right before take off, it was pretty dark because the plane was coating itself to prevent detection on enemy screens and I was a little scared that I wouldnt be able to see where I was flying, except for the tiny orange monitor that had little blurry maps on it. But soon after, it all cleared up and just before I took off, the interior of the cockpit almost became seamless with the exterior, as if there was no glass separating inside and outside. I got the hang of it soon enough and flew over mountains with castles on top as well as giant rivers connecting different mountains. I remember the exhilarating heart-drop as my plane dipped down the mountains and though I wasn't at all aware what the mission actually was, I know that at one point, I landed on a castle top, shot down some guards, and some soldiers ran up and I managed to run back to my plane and take off just in time.

Eventually I flew back (into?) her house and well, yeah. Can't really remember what happened that. Strange thing is that I've been busy convincing myself that she's long gone for the past four days now, didn't expect her to suddenly star in my dream last night.

5 Days to Christmas

First of all let's talk about progress. Ran into a couple of seniors that I haven seen in a while today at the gym and they said that I've grown bigger. Just changed up my routines per day so my body's still adjusting to the change and is worn out as hell. Body fat still pretty high and I'm guessing it's because I haven't ran in ages, but still within acceptable range. Once I start shredding i'll start hitting sprints again so that will tame it down. My weight has gone up to 67.3 kg , just about 2 kilos short of my goal and I'm still working to get it there before I cut down again.

I think I'm reaching the stage in life where I want to take charge of my own life and actually do things to reach my goals. Where I would've sat and wished upon a shooting star in the past, now I would plan out how I intend to reach anything I want. I've been going to school for the past two weeks during hols for consultations with my teacher to buck up on my schoolwork, and getting in a couple hours at the gym before grabbing lunch and heading back to spend time with the family/continue with schoolwork. I've gotten two jobs, a part time job at an ice cream place near my house to earn my fair bit of money, as well as with an engineering company to do some designs for them for relatively fast lump sums ($200 per drawing, anyone?). I intend to keep the ice cream job for the year or so, probably taking a break during my internship at an architectural firm, which will pay me a minimum of 500 per month, probably enough to get me buy. Goal is to get the money in my bank back to par as it was before, and even beyond if I can. I guess it's also a good way to teach myself to manage my time properly and control my own actions and it's consequences. I'd like to be able to stand on my own feet. Lifting is teaching me a thing or two about that as well, and maybe at this point I'll just pause to write down some things that it has instilled in me:

1. Always confront your fears. No matter how afraid you are or how small you feel, or if it's something you've never done before, attempt it with two feet in and learn from whatever outcome it brings. This can be applied to working too. If you've never applied for a job by yourself before, but you know you want or need to, do it. If you've never met a client before and have no idea how to deal with it, get some insight and go ahead with it. Everyone starts somewhere, and starting is a good step towards being good at something. 

2. You don't stop when you're tired, you stop when you're done. Perseverance is key. Sure you may take some time or even a lot of time to master something but the time will pass anyway so might as well make full use of the seconds you might otherwise waste. I learnt to use a schedule to do this, because I found that it works for me, where I complete what I have for the day be it late or early, in which case I have spare time to take a break or continue the next day's work. 

3. Push yourself beyond limits. Like they say, the circle in which are things you are comfortable with, and the circle in which are the things that make life worthwhile, do not overlap. Pushing yourself beyond your limits will often induce a lot of pain, but only through this pain will you grow. Because your body actually sees the need for itself to improve to deal with the pain next time, instead of something your body can already naturally cope with. Similarly, don't limit yourself with the possibilities of education. There is a checklist to follow, but if you can do more than that, do it. Prove to others, prove to yourself that you are better, that you are capable of independent exploration and not just some dog on a leash paid to impress.

4. Have a game plan. Before any routine, in order for it to be successful, I usually do quite a bit of planning beforehand. To ensure that all parts of the muscle group are being targeted, to ensure that smaller muscles do not fatigue by the middle of the routine, to know exactly what I want to achieve and how I aim to do it. When doing work, it's the same thing with the schedule. I tend to plan for failure, so I put breaks in between to make sure I have some time to catch up in case I'm unable to finish any required tasks on any day. I give myself sufficient time, so that if I were to finish my work early today, I have a choice to rest, or to do some work for tomorrow. If I do that, I'll be making use of the momentum and that also means I'll have less work to do tomorrow. If I rest however, I'll still be on track to complete my given assignment.

5. Your mind fails before your body does. Most of the time, it's my mind telling me that I'm tired that causes my body to slow down. It is my duty however, to train my mind to follow my commands. So when I say "one more", my body will automatically carry out the task without question. I think that having utter and complete control over your mind is a powerful skill, but a difficult one to acquire as well.

A classmate of mine will be having a BBQ party right before school starts and I'm looking forward to seeing her there. I've told myself at least thirty times in my head today that I don't like her but I still can't help looking forward to being around her and just hoping to talk like old friends again. I guess I miss the way it was then and my mind keeps replaying all these scenes and trying to make my miss people. Keeps replaying north point and bus 812 too for some reason, and I remember being completely wrecked and in pain, sitting on the metal dividers at the bus interchange at this point of time last year. Looks like I've come a long way and seems like I grew up so much in a year but I'm thankful this time passed by. A friend that I fell out with earlier this term did something odd the other day though, at the gym. I was sitting on the floor talking to a friend when she broke away from her canoe group to walk over, ruffle my hair, grab her water bottle and walk back. I thought we fell out? And this is exactly why I will never understand women.

10 Days to Christmas

Can't believe two years has passed since I went to watch a Christmas play at a church in my work attire because I had to rush to work after. Back then my heart was with one girl, and now it's just as at home with another.

7 things that I wish I could tell you:

1. I'm very proud of you. When I loom through your old photos and look at who you are now it's like you've grown so much as a person. You're growing from a girl to a lady and I thoroughly enjoy watching that and would love to see how you'd grow up to be. I show you off to my friends because I'm awed at what you do and who you've become and I wanna be there every step of the way.

2. Scold me more. When you scold me, it shows you're listening and have an opinion on what I had said. It's tons better than you being indifferent about the topic because let's face it, most of the time you have something to say. And it's also nice to have your attention on me for a while, just saying.

3. I really wish you'd be frank with me. About everything, really, how you are, how we are, how you feel. Because I can't help feeling that you're hiding some things because you feel that they're for my own good. But sometimes I also feel that you're hiding them because it's easier than to face the truth.

4. You look amazing in dresses. As much as black makes the cut, a dark blue one would suit you so much though. The navy will bring out the sophistication and intelligent feel that we're so familiar with when watching you present on your projects. But either way, when you wear a dress to school, I cannot help staring. I can't look away, sue me.

5. A dream of mine is to have you cook for me. I always enjoy people cooking for me, but coming from someone who can cook proper meals, especially you of all people, will be something else. I don't mean this to be offensive, but I've seen you washing a glass to get me water at a friend's house, and there was just some part of me that whimpered inside because you were really like a little wife and it was adorable. 

6. Falling asleep next to you was the best thing ever. The only thing I regret was not being able to stay up longer until you fell asleep, or being able to wake up earlier so I could be the one to wake you up in the morning. It was comfortable and I hope that wasn't the last time.

7. I don't quite like the idea of you going clubbing. Even if it's just to see them get drunk. I know my friend's there and he can take care of you all, but I'd rather be there to personally take you home and make sure you're alright. I'm not against you having fun but clubbing..people do things when they're high, and I don't want anything to happen to you.

FWB?

Person number 1. You're my good friend. And I know we've been close and we've kissed but I don't think I'll be able to see you as more than a friend. I sincerely hope that you're treating me as a rebound. In that case, I can turn you down without ruining our friendship and without hurting your feelings too much. The kisses was good, they were... Intimate. But as much as they say people get ten times more attached to people they've kissed, I hope you don't fall for me. God I was even considering friends with benefits or an open relationship there but there's a line called emotional attachment and I can already feel you crossing it. You get shy around me, you blush when I talk to you, you tell me you want to kiss me, I know. I just don't know if I should let you.

Person number 2. At first I was quite frustrated with how you suddenly pretended that we all didn't exist. But now this is a complete joke. You say you felt awkward with me because I've liked you before and you rejected me. You rubbing your leg all over mine under the sheets doesn't state awkward to me. Neither does lying face to face on the floor giggling about bullshit. Neither does sleeping with your hand around mine, just to state a few. Then you said you were pissed off at her because she's whiny. She's been that way the past year or so all along and all I see is the two of you linking arms and poking fun at each other. Now you say you feel disgusted at me for going on to like (a different) her after you said no to me. Well let me just say that she beat you to rejecting me half a year back and liking her is no surprise given what a great person she is. Shall I make you more revolted? Shall I say that maybe I liked her all along and you were just a cheap excuse? Shall I say that I only liked you for your breasts and legs? You say you didn't enjoy Italy because we just drank in the hotel rooms and left you to lie there by yourself. First of all, we offered you multiple times. Secondly, on half the occasion you were already away in someone else's hotel room or outside. Third, every time we ever tried to talk to you in the room, you only ever just stayed on your phone and barely responded anyway. Dude. You're becoming that same person that you claimed you hated but turns out that you liked him instead. Just go get together with him and walk around with your noses in the clouds of the high and mighty. Jeez.

Dark

I love the dark, when the room's all bright and you flick a switch and it plummets into the blankets of shades of monochrome. Somehow it's different. When there's light, theres a sense of responsibility. My mind regards it as a connection to work, to tasks, and everything that falls under that category. This is why I cannot sleep when there's light, even the small blinking one of my laptop, it just says that there's things to be done and my day don't complete yet. But when the world is enveloped in black, my mind is set free from my tired body, it is no longer at the control station to force my body into motion, it retires for the night. Y

When someone is talking and something funny casually slips out, you do not say "oh was that meant to be a joke? Did (insert name) tell a joke? Oh my god (insert name) is so funny!". No. They weren't trying to be funny but are obviously doing a much better job at it than you are so just let the dude have his moment of glory and shut your fucking trap.

And to you, I don't understand what I did wrong to you, neither do I know what this stemmed from or is linked to at all, but all I know is that you're stamping my existence into ashes right now in my face and well if you wanna do that then two can play in this game. 

Long Live

God knows why I suddenly decided to listen to that song tonight. A year back I couldn't grasp or even fathom its meaning and never thought I'd feel this way about it. 

But when I heard it again tonight, one year later, many closed doors later, the chord stuck home. At first it was blurry, like some sort of mist I can't grasp in my fingers. I know this song, but where have I heard it? Until that one line. The one line that summed up all my feelings and I never even knew.

"Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you."

A Little Fear

Had a bad day at the gym on Monday, it was pretty damn crowded so everyone was in a rush for the benches and racks, especially with Monday being the usual chest day. Tried unsuccessfully to do DB pressed with 25 kilos on each side, and my third and final try ended with losing control of my left hand dumbbell causing it to slam straight down. Thankfully my first reaction was to turn so it didn't slam right into my face, but instead it rammed down on my left cheekbone. Felt okay though so I went on as per normal, but today I've been having a persistent headache on the left side of my head and it hurts more when I look to my left, like there's some sort of minor swelling in my temple or something. I'm just hoping that it's due to tension or a bad pillow and not directly related to the blow to my cheek the other day, which would possibly mean this is some internal bleeding.

Now that I think about it, tension might be a likely cause too. Recently, this week especially, I've been having frequent chest pains again which now I think is related to tension or stress. And considering the piling workload and my stress over that girl, no surprise about the tension there. Just hope my body reconciles all it's problems soon..and that I won't end up unconscious on the floor of the bus anytime soon.

All I Want

All I want right now is to lie here under these loose sheets, holding her in my arms as she nuzzles warmly in my chest. And I'll caress a few strands of hair from her forehead and stroke her hair, the nape of her neck, the gentle curvature of her back, and just get to know her, memorise her. And I'll breathe in her scent as I curl up around her and drift away.

Just Second Guessing

It's strange and funny how after over a year of knowing each other, you can be back to a foot in square one again. One foot in newborn moments, another miles ahead. Half your mind in dizzying nervousness, the other in comfortable bliss. Looking down this familiar face but in a new light, friendly grazes of the hand turn electric once more. 

You know those books we used to read as children where they talk about how it is important to never give up on something because good things come to people who are persistent? And how we all grew up way too fast and found out that we had all been too naive and that sometimes life just deals us a hard hand to play and it's our role as people to suck it up and deal with it. That's true in many ways. But I guess as we grow up, life grants us many new experiences, and these experiences might open our eyes to the possibilities and dimensions in this world. Sometimes, life deals us an aceless hand. Sometimes, persistence can actually pay off. And other times, the girl who rejected you almost a year ago might end up falling for you after all.

And now I'm smiling like an idiot wherever I'm going and I don't care what anyone else has to say about it.

Scales and Balance

In all honesty, I'm really confused right now. Muddled up in my head. Something drastic must have happened back then. Some big crash and a pounding concussion, drove me to become this way. I can't exactly place a finger on when or why, I suddenly became afraid to commit. Have I enjoyed my freedom that much? Or was it a breach of trust? Or do I have to see you (after so long) to be sure I wanna go through with this? Because I think you're a wonderful girl, and I understand that loving someone is when you're at your most vulnerable, so I really don't want to play you for granted; especially after Italy, I'd really have to earn back my own trust in order to let me give myself to someone else. You're a really incredible girl, and who knew this would happen? Take things one step at a time with me, maybe?

Venice

Venice 

So it's true that they say Venice is an island you have to get lost in. Getting lost in this island might be the best decision of your life. Waterway veins with light smatters of cafés, churches, and wells, it's skin is tattooed with backstreet alleys that probably have felt less footsteps than the number of bricks it's made of. Walking down the raw stone pavements, you'd come across little bridges once in a while to allow you to cross over the canals. There are painters, artists bent over plastic palettes of watercolours, perched on small wooden stools, gently caressing the surface of the canvas with hushed tones of greens and blues. Once in a while, a strong ochre voice resonates from within the cracked walls of buildings. You can't tell which one, the canal splits into nooks and crannies in the corners of the buildings forming crooked smiles between the weathered old bricks. That is the song of the passing gondoliers, bundles of tireless muscle woven with stitches of symphonies, brute men who sing the hymn of the streets as if it were their own orchestra. They stand proudly atop their gondolas, glorious black birds they are. Together they give guided tours to people like myself, whistling through dirty canals, talons slicing through the frothing seabed. 

You peel your eyes from the picturesque charm of the canals and tune your attention instead to the brick and stone streets ahead. Like the canals, the streets branch out into smaller alleys, and these in themselves hold a certain dreamlike quality to them. Even at the foot of the alley, there is no mistaking the stale scent of damp laundry and the parchment of lichen carpeting the walls behind them. It is like walking under a magnificent parade, the shrill whistles of wind filling gaps between the bricks, the excited chattering of overgrown vines with their jittery leaves, the grand bellowing of kaleidoscopic clothes and flags beaten by the wind in perfect synchrony to the rhythm of your footsteps. The celebration finally spills into an open plaza. It is dreamy and light, almost hazy, and is encrusted with cosy cafés and souvenir shops selling keychains and masks. The people here appear to have absorbed the atmospheric quality of the plaza, slowed down to a hypnotic lull, seamlessly blending into the scenic backdrop like clockwork puppets in a still photograph. The air is tainted with wafts of milk and espresso and chimes of clinking ceramic punctuate every few moments as baristas serve sandwiches and bagels. 

Pineapple

Up till now, I had no idea pineapple shaped ukuleles were REALLY called Pineapple.

Ready To Go

Over a term's worth of hard work and The Hooker is finally printed and ready to go! I would say that this is definitely one of my most satisfying groupworks yet which produced a result that I could definitely say I'm proud of. A lot of it lies in the team, I believe. I may have mentioned this in an earlier post but I will say it again:

There's Bryan, the meticulous perfectionist, always making sure that the lines are all straight, fonts all standardised, checking all the contrast and saturation of our images. Basically he keeps our boards in tiptop shape and is generally in charge of the board layouts. He's always on the lookout for better alternatives in terms of board aesthetics, and this keeps us progressing from time to time.

There's Wessie, our Revit Master and production manager. All you've got to do is hand her plans and she'll get the model out for you the next day, ready to use. Any changes to the form? No worries, she won't complain and she'll work on it right away. She produces all the renders we request for taken from different angles and settings, be it in sketchup or revit and is happy to make changes to the models every time and again.

Then there's me, overall supervisor and editor. I set the pace of the group and set objectives for us to complete every week to ensure we are ahead of time. I break down critiques into action plans for the team and basically balance out Bryan's perfectionist to my timekeeping. I'm in charge of all sustainability issues within our building and produce all diagrams and logos used in the boards. Lastly, I edit and check renders and images to be used so as to ensure a minimum benchmark quality is achieved.

As a group, we complement each other wonderfully and fill up for each others' flaws and weaknesses. Apart from one tremor within the group after our only scolding from Alan, the rest of the work was exceptionally fast paced and smooth sailing. I could almost say it was addictive, leaving home at 8am to meet at SMU or the airport or studio all the way until 11.30pm to do solid work to complete the boards. In all honestly, I cannot be happier with my group and I'm so proud of how far we've come in this project, each of us growing in our own way. I'm proud of us, I'm proud of the turnout, and I have to say, every step of the way has been worthwhile and blissful with this team. PATTATA!

"Friends"

Lace your shoes up boy, and pull up your tie
The incandescent lights are on fire
The reek of alcohol hung low that night
Grinding souls hum deep with desire

Here's a story of a boy who couldn't settle for less
Black shirt buttoned up with a pretty white lie
He drank himself sober, lust fueled his veins
A starvation that could make a wolf cry

Here's a girl who settles for more is less
Innocence tattooed but eyes don't deceive
With a knife he carved into his left side chest
Took his heart out and wore on his sleeve

-Lights flash yellow-
Electric grazes
Stillshots of all the other people hazes
Everything he lays his eyes on, his mind erases

-Lights flash amber-
Tips a drink to her lips
Traces down her spine with finger tips
She shivers
White hot thirst pumping every sensation

-Lights flash red-
Whispers hushed in the walls of her ear
Teeth clenched to her nape of her neck,
He aggressively pressed himself near
Hot breaths as she felt him get...

-Lights turn off-


Tomorrow they sit on opposite ends of the room
Listening attentive as the teacher paces the floor
Heads on the desk, exchange of glances, they turn coyly away
After all, what are friends for?

Almost A Week

These few days have been pretty rough, dysphoria keeps hitting home and there's not as much Compasso to indulge myself in anymore. Workwise, we're only left with photoshopping the programmes into the renders to make them seem more active and lively, as well as some prep for the DARCH exhibition back in our studios next thurs.

Dysphoria wise though, I'm not sure if it's trauma, but I do feel inadequate at this point. I just feel like people accept me as a man enough to carry it through normal conversations and friendships, but I'm not enough to be considered worthy of a relationship, even the possibility of it. Half of me doesn't blame them, because who would want to willingly throw themselves into this hellhole with me? But the other half of me is so angry that nothing I do is ever enough to push me through onto that level.

Wood

I'm so horny right now. There's just this deep deep urge to thrust hard into something, someone and prod deeper and deeper until I explode.

3 Days/Weeks To Go

Work has been extremely taxing these few weeks, more so for Compasso than for my individual work. Let me correct that, my individual work is nothing compared to Compasso. Maybe it's the stress caused from knowing its a competition, or maybe it's the depth of the scope we have to consider, but whatever it is, it's definitely a challenge and it's taking it's toll on all of us. Because I haven't really talked about it, I shall do so now, though it's a bit late and we're about to ship it out anytime now.

My group consists of myself, another guy and a girl. Because our initials are M, B and W, this makes us Team BMW. Meanwhile, our project is entitled The Hooker (courtesy of me) and focuses on how the vernacular of Macau can be extracted and portrayed in this development. Details are as follows:

FX1Monumentalisation
Along the stretch of road leading to our site, we found multiple landmarks that are often visited by tourists as historical sites. There is De Marques Square, St Francis Xavier's Chapel, Ponte Cais De Coloane (Pier), and our site, the abandoned shipyards. Interestingly enough, each of these places are marked by a monument at the front, which we initially thought represented historical events that happened in the place itself. Upon further studies of the monuments however, we realised that these monuments are not site specific but rather capture historical landmarks in Coloane that happen to be exemplified in these places.

The square was built to commemorate a Portuguese general who fought for the freedom of Macau at the UN. The monument at the square bore a Cherub, a symbol of the omnipresence of God, hence representing the religion which was left behind by the Portuguese in Coloane.
The site in front of St Francis Church bore witness to the overthrowing of the rule of pirates in 1910. The monument bore a laurel wreath at the top, which is a universal sign of victory, assumingly over the pirates.
The pier was once used as a means to ferry people in from mainland Macau. However, it's monument, a giant anchor, held greater significance to Coloane's entire maritime history as fishermen and ship builders.

Hence, the monument we will erect in front of our site will bear both signs of the shipyards as well as a link to a present phenomenon. The phenomenon we chose to focus on will be the simultaneous progress and decline of Coloane, seen by the progress of its people which greatly overshadows the progress of the island. This leads to idea of Coloane rooting its people back while they progress further away. Hence, our monument resembles a fountain with a half sunken ship (Coloane) hooked onto a pulley (can be seen in the shipyards) balanced on the other side by a pulling man.

Pardon if this post is boring but I'm about to drop to sleep anytime now and I have an early day tomorrow at the gym and SMU to continue work. Deadlines are fast catching up on our tails and the pace can't go quick enough. Now if only this sickening pain in my chest would stop, I'd be really grateful.

Writings For August

"We've always talked about how one day we might bump into each other in a small book cafe, in another country. And why not, it's a small world after all."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who's felt this way, but the self-righteous coward in me tells me it isn't true. I couldn't possibly be the only person who's ever felt a little tied back in their life. How sorrowful is it that I'm writing about a past lover after almost a year has passed? Not very actually. I'm sure we all know of a person who's fearful of meeting their ex because it would be awkward, or because ever since they broke up, their lovey dovey baby girl darling has completely transformed into a maneating monstrous bitch. To be honest, I did feel that we were heading in that direction for a while, and I was really embarassed to admit to myself that we were gonna be living proof that exes cannot be friends.

They say that you'll never forget your first love. So maybe that's the reason behind how I feel. But I also believe that there's a reason why you loved them in the first place, and as the reasons differ from person to person, often, what you love the person for becomes irreplaceable. I fell in love with the way she wrote, the twists of ink on faded pencil lines, the sincerity that warmed up those words as they passed through the depths of my mind. I fell in love with how the sentences wrapped around my thoughts and how each one was spoken as if it echoed from deep inside the chambers of myself. And I fell in love with knowing that even for the few seconds that she took to write it down, I was on her mind.

That's probably the reason why I feel that even though I'm happy where I am now looking right up at the life before me, there's a part a part of the past that I'm in love with, and this time, the part of the past doesn't interfere with my present, and it is ineffably beautiful. So perhaps one day, I will bump into her in some old book cafe in another country, and perhaps, a new friendship could be written.

That Girl

I'm not sure how to feel about this, but I think I'm done with that girl. Sure she's cute and all, but her attitude's really getting on my nerves and I don't think it's about to get any better. So to the dear waking up and falling asleep to thoughts about her, the butterflies and stutters when I run into her, and the wishing she'd open up to me more, please stop soon, you're really tricking me into falling for her.

On another note, I suppose I should thank her for allowing me to finally get over my ex girlfriend, and for teaching me the value of hard work and dedication as well as allowing me to appreciate personal space much more. I guess one day when the opportunity arises, she will know that she's meant so much to me before but that time passed in the midst of submissions and late nights. I need someone I can talk to, not someone who isn't open to communication. End of story.

Old Friends

I saw someone wrote on tumblr the other day, somewhere along the lines of "it's funny how two strangers could have been completely in love". And although it seems ridiculous on the surface, I thought to myself for a while more and it dawned on me that this was indeed possible. I remember the true quote now. It was "from friends to lovers to strangers who had been completely in love".

It is funny though, how true this is and how it's even possible. It's like trying to remember someone you've never met. And when you walk by places you used to go to with them, or do something that reminds you of them, it feels as though it was all a dream and now you've just woken up, and none of it had happened. It feels as though a year of my life had been erased from my recollections. Yeah, it's just hard to imagine that this is someone I barely know, but I also know inside out. This is someone whose body I can map out like the back of my hand, who hugged me while I cried, whom I ate takoyaki with sitting on the ground because there's always no seats, who got me completely freaked out by moving fish flakes, who told me she loved me more than her boyfriend, who put her neck under the knife with me everytime we meet up..but who is this person? I don't know her. It's just a passerby who decided to stay a little longer than usual.

New Schedule

So what I've attached below here is my schedule for the upcoming week starting today. What happened was that we were suddenly informed today that competition entries for Compasso are to be test printed by 30 August, which is the same date as our DC Submissions. She and I were talking about stargazing and how she hopes the skies on Saturday will be clear as glass when suddenly the messages came in. And we both panicked. Well really, the 15 of us must've panicked upon reading the messages. So now there's this huge split in our focus up till the 30th of August where we'll be jumping from schoolwork to competition and back daily.

So as of now, school time, which is about 9-5 will be reserved strictly for Compasso, and my 7-11s will be for model making. Of course in between there'll be breaks for gym and a good two hour busride home from school to ease my mind. Other than that, it's pretty much hardcore enginework throughout the day. As of today, I'm done with my DC calculations and will only do the verging of the plans, which should be quite fast, on Saturday, after I've printed out the plans. The model, i'm done with three floors, but the internal walls aren't really there yet. But then again, that's not my priority right now, priority is to finish the top floor (many walls there) and the first floor so I get the complete set. Everything's removable so I can easily put in internal walls if I have spare material later on. Other than that, roof and landscaping shouldn't be much of a problem and can be done together with the columns.

What I'm more worried for though, is the DC plans. What I'll have to do will be:
- get a site plan
- change all names on the pledge of allegiance and title block
- do landscaping on plan (this is the real time waster)
- annotate EVERYTHING
- label everything with names and FFL, PL
Actually yeah that's about it but the landscaping is gonna take some time, figuring out where each tree goes and stuff. Thank god we don't have to include drainage at this point, but of I have the time I'll do it as well. I'm more worried about the laying out of the boards, cos it seems really strange to import so many texts and drawings into autocad. And photoshopping it out seems vaguely strange too because it'll be so difficult to update later on. But one week should be definitely enough to crank that out if mornings are crammed with it. That way, evening's can be reserved for Compasso or vice versa.

I'm in a super agent mode now, always on my feet and ready to go, even now my mind's telling me to stop wasting time and cut some boards or something, but if there's something I need to train myself to do, it'll be to practice good pacing and appreciate rest because it's an extremely important factor.

Two conversations that made my day sometime back:

M: Wow who knew I'd see you here! Getting an award right, cannot take it you too pretty today!
1: You also what wah today dress until so smart. You so handsome.

2: So if the guy act like that do you think he's interested?
M: -long explanation- yeahhh so I think he's pretty into you
2: Haish, you guys are so complicated.

Drizzle in the Light

About a fortnight ago I had a post loaded up in here, a draftswork that I fell asleep before completing. A fortnight ago, the draft had been happy, twisted up in the corners with a pretty bow tie. This post is not so happy.

In the draft, I talked about changes and how I've changed since the start of this year. That's fairly neutral so I suppose I'll rewrite that from memory. If anything, I grew stronger since the start of this year. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I was the boy who was clinging on so desperately to his past, comparing everything around him to what he had and never seeing anything much better. I was pathetically in love and forced out of love and full of pain and hatred. I was really selfish too. I can see that now, and I can see where I should've backed off and left that girl alone. I can see how suffocating it got to the point where she had no fight left in her when I left, she probably wanted me to leave by then too. And though the things I've been hearing about her haven't been all too pleasant, I'm at the point where I can sincerely tell her that I wish her all the best and that I hope she can stay true to herself, in the better terms of the word.

Speaking of her, there's been someone reading my blog recently and I can't quite put a finger on who, simply because only one person knows my URL and she's definitely too busy with her life to waste her time on her ex's blog. But if there's someone out there that I know, who's been reading these, please drop a note or something just so I know who you are or what you think.

Daylight

The Daylight Project - Maroon 5

Deja Vu

I won't call it déjà Vu but this sort of feeling on emerges once in a long time. Right now I'm feeling so damn proud and happy over her canoe race. So she took part in 3 races in today's National Women's Canoeing Championship, and when she sent me the photo of the gold medal I already just flipped and hecked about the other two races in my head is just WOAH THIS IS MY CHAMPION! Not to mention she hasn't exactly been training up this past week because of the workload. She said she's not as happy cos this isn't a polite race but really heck it man, I'm already so happy and proud of her. The only other time I've felt so proud of someone was two Decembers ago when Sabrina and I were both struggling with lousy wifi across continents, her in Vienna and me in my bedroom sneaking a use of my laptop at 5am to receive the news of them clinching grand champion choir, I AM THAT PROUD. And I'm really glad she got to meet her sec school friends today, they seem to make her so happy. I'm so glad you're happy.

Square One

I just reached home. Ran home from your house but I only just reached home because I ran slowly. Because I'm no good at it. No good at anything really.

I've never been this angry in a long time, the anger feels so fresh, so raw. It's really frustrating. It's bloody frustrating that I don't get you. I can more or less understand everyone else but you're a fucking wall. I try to open up to you, all I get are okays and nods like nothing I said mattered at all but you know what? All those things I told you are a big part of my life. Think about it. Do you know how much I'm putting on the line just to show you that I trust you? But you just think its ridiculous don't you? I'm some kind of clown. You are two completely different people in front of others and behind them. You act so nice and playful when we're surrounded by people but once we're alone, you shut me out like you're stamping out a fire. Or is that what Libras are all about? It's not that I want to invade your personal space, neither am I trying to pry you open and squeeze your opinions out on things. To me, it's just that communication is really important between friends and I want you to fucking talk to me. I don't know, maybe you don't think communication is important, maybe you think personal space is more important in friendship, how would I know, have you ever told me?

Tell me I'm overlooking into things and I'll tell you you're wrong. There's a difference between the kind of friend you were and what you are now and it's clear as day. If you want me to go away just fucking tell me. I'm sick of this. I honestly loved you.

Update

I haven't blogged here in literally months, been more active on tumblr lately but overall just been pretty busy with school and problems (I'll get back to that in a bit) and new interests in my life ahem.

So let's go through the list shall we? First one, school. Project's been getting more hectic, both my yearlong and Compasso that is. In fact, as I speak, somewhere tucked in the folded edges of my mind are this week's critique (in an hour or so), 3 submissions and Compasso GM which we haven't been especially dedicated to due to the workload. Frankly speaking, Compasso seems to be taking on much better form than my personal project, not just in terms of shape but because it is strong both in concept and the resulting form. The ties are solid. Perhaps it has much to do with the looser criteria to fit into the building. Meanwhile with my yearlong project, as with every time, the concept starts off strong but dies out along the way to accommodate site coverage, unit capacity, GFA and the likes. And there's crit today. Great. On the bright side, after the bulk of submissions are over, we could start working on Compasso once more, which brings us closer to ITALY. Hella stoked.

Next, problems. Don't get me wrong here, I do have my share of problems, but as usual I don't have the privilege of others taking big time off for them. Strip me naked and roast me on a grill, I have no clue why I'm that ultimate 'go-to' when it comes to problems. Not gonna mention any names here, but I've got two break ups, one suicidal case and one depression case under my wing right now. Break up 1: she's been cutting. Break up 2: he lost her, his mom just passed away, he's about to launch himself into the same depressive coma I had. Suicidal case: lost family. Depression case: I've no clue this one. That's fine. With a flap of my wings and a shower of golden dust you guys will be alright. And there's plenty to go around for everyone. I want all of you to be okay, I'll work for it too, no worries.

Third, new interests. Let's start with more mundane ones alright? Gym's been going fine, I hit my goal of 65 kilos a while back, which adds up to a total 11 kilos of gains from the start of the year. Gotta start shredding soon and look good for Italy. I'm still out of protein so I'm probably gonna buy off of Dillon's brother soon. Appetite's been way more than healthy, I've been eating like a monster. Alright done. Now I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in anyone. Just that it was all smooth sailing and holding hands and cuddling and fun and laughter until I fucked up a few days ago and I think she's still a little annoyed at me. I personally think the back story is quite ridiculous but apparently I'm the only one who thinks so.

Okay so we were talking a coupla nights ago, and she sent me this photo of her just outside her house in her new dress. The background was dark and there were a whole lot of trees, so me, being the complete romantic loverboy I wish I was, said "eh shit I think there's something behind you." Now she's the sort who is terrified of these kind of things, so naturally she started panicking, and she went to ask another friend about it.....and he played along. So this exchange went on for a while, with her contemplating whether she should delete the photo and me telling her no no its alright just pretend I didn't say anything. Which scared her to the point that she told me to just zoom up on it and send her. Mistake number two: zooming up on her face, screenshotting it, and sending it to her. She told me she was gonna get nightmares thanks to me. I had to idea she was angry. She told me this was as bad as throwing a bunch of caterpillars in her face. Still didn't know she was mad. Mistake number three: sending a pagefull of caterpillar emojis to her. That's when she lashed out and all my mistakes got strewn across my pathetic face.

So that's the story of how she still seems kinda annoyed at me. I can't help finding it a little funny actually, even after a little berating from my classmates. They said I was asking for it. Maybe I was. I'm reading this book at the moment, it's called The Book Thief. It was introduced to me by Little Miss Something-Behind-You up there, and turns out its a pretty sweet book. Written from the point of view of Death, the soul collector, and cast in the dirt-shackled streets of Nazi Germany, it tells the story of a poor girl who was lucky enough to be sent to a foster home before her mother was taken away. It paints the backdrop of what Germany was like during the World War, the reign of Hitler, and the lives of Germans and Jews alike. The book is simple but written in a way I'd like to accomplish in terms of description and imagery. I'll get back with a full review of the book when I'm done with it. So yup that's my update, and I'll probably do another one sometime soon.

Gone.

Its Over - Eminem

You had me at my last straw with "I still believe in our friendship. So I hope maybe you could try too?" Neither your fault nor mine, but this shit has gone too far.

Sternum

For now I'm just going to keep check with the sets I'm doing while (trying to) bulk. I've gone down to low rep, higher sets to see how it'll affect me for now, but I've only tried it out with chest day and feeling good so far.
Chest
Dumbbell bench press (5x5)
Inclined bench press (5x5)
Dips (15x3)
Seated bench press (Drop sets)
Low cable fly (10x3) 
Cable crossover(10x3)

Shoulder
Military press (5x5)
Lateral raises (5x5)
Barbell shrugs (6x5)
Upright row (8x3)
Side raises (8x3)
Front plate raises (Drop sets)

Back
Pull up (100)
Lats pulldown (Drop sets)
Deadlift (2x3)
Barbell pull (8x3)
Kettlebell throw (10x3)
Seated cable pull (6x5)

Arms
Barbell curl (5x5)
Hammer curl (5x5)
Tricep kickback (5x5)
Cable pulldown (Drop sets)
Cable curl (Drop sets)
Palm up wrist curl (12x3)
Palm down wrist curl (10x3)
Forearm curl (8x3)

Abs
Cable twists (8x3)
Weighted side extensions (15x3)
Weighted declined sit ups (30x3)
Hanging leg lifts (10x3)

Legs
Squats (20x3)
Calf extensions (20x3)

Nothing seems to be working fast enough though, I don't see the difference and all I can hope for is that this isn't pointless. I wanna start cutting by now, but I have nothing to cut even, didn't even gain weight, water weight or anything sigh. Think my constant anxiety is making my metabolism higher than it should be, and no surprise there with the daily letdowns and being a letdown. You're another letdown, and this trip I hope won't be a letdown, and I'm the loneliest letdown. Saying you can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else has it better. True that. At least Now You See Me was good, such a mindfuck really but who doesn't enjoy a good fucking in the mind every now and then? Not a letdown. I dreamt of ghosts last night in my sleep, long hair, pale skin, red eyes. I was afraid but I couldn't run, I was afraid up till the moment I stared into their eyes, and I kept staring and staring, and I didn't feel afraid anymore. I chased them away. After all, what am I but a ghost stuck in the dimensions of reality in my head.

Theatre.

Grey skies
Sheets of rain, curtains fly
Lightly
Washing over the blankets around me
Tightly
Pulling snugly round the seams
I had a dream
Last night, like a madman's brew
Because of all people, why'd I have to
Dream of you
Walking down the flight of steps
Coming closer to
The start of the film
My insides heating
Clay in a kiln
Overheating, hearts a-beating
Overwhelmed
Sat quietly next to her
Thought it was her
I swear
I never thought things could get blur-ry
In a dream
But of course things aren't always how they might seem
Evidently
I held her hand
For what seemed like an eternity
But just when
I went to move my hand just a little
She gripped it
And held it so tightly
Ignite the
Lungs holding pocketfuls of air inside of me
I can't breathe
I look over, it wasn't her
It was you, clutching my hand, you could barely move
You were crying, tears rolling down your face
In a catastrophic, symphony, no memory of mine can erase
You muttered the words "I love you"
Dear, I love you too
I guess my sober mind just couldn't understand the truth
So I lay there, comatose, drunk and unable to move
On, someone please save me
These shadows, this darkness is coming to bite me
I shiver awake, 5a.m. and a-lonely
Reach for the phone, goodnight baby.

I'm terrified of people now. People are so unpredictable, they could be nice to you one moment, and scream at you the next. I'm going to sleep for a long time.

When did all this happen? It's like I'm stuck right at the start of the year and everything's been moving full speed ahead and leaving me behind. One moment she's there and the next moment she's gone. And I wait, I wait weeks and weeks for her to come back but she comes back this empty shell, her soul is out somewhere I don't know and all that remains are some pieces that gets fewer and fewer each time she leaves. She's getting more and more numb to everything he says, she doesn't care about him, he can't believe her. She's too busy, drowning in her busy world, everything bursting through the dams and flooding her insides and filling it up. He hates it, he hates how numb she's become, some sort of puppet doing the bidding of the world. He wants her to feel again, even if it's pain, feel something. Feel alive. But how can she feel when every fibre of her being is pulled by strings in every direction? Stretched out so far, she can't feel a thing, seams undone, eyes gone black, he doesn't know her anymore. He sees her body, her face, but her soul is foreign, who is this stranger speaking to him in such unfamiliar language? Where did she go? This other dimension we speak of, he can't go there, he can't save her, he can't pull her back. He cries unnoticed. His cries unheard. She's lost, happy, lost, gone, misted.

He misses how she'd lay with him to sleep.

I get angry because I'm human. I feel, I feel emotions because I'm human. What are you? You're a wreck of tired and busy, how is that being human. You're slogging yourself through every day, where are your choices? At which point do you choose, instead of going through monotony wordlessly like some kind of robot. That's how it feels talking to you now. Snap the fuck out of it. Remember yourself and stay true to your words for once. You're pissing me off.

Between The Skins

If anything, I'm becoming more of a Cook and Tony than anything else. Cook and Tony from skins that is. The player. The flirt. The sex machine. The ones that are up for the game anytime you wish for. Simply because they cannot care less, and why is that? They feel betrayed, they feel threatened and small and hurt from whatever past their ghost brings them and that is why they feel any form of relationship or communication with anyone as some kind of lingering test game which plays up to how much they can selfishly achieve for themselves. And that's exactly what I'm becoming.

Blazers Ablaze

Today was a seemingly alright day when it started, despite being the only day in two months that I had to get out of bed before 8am, I'd consider myself lucky for that. Puffy eyes are gone from the day before and in general my face looked much less swollen. So although it started out as a sleepy and lazy day, it was a good start nonetheless.

The problems all started when a friend and I had the conversation about collecting the blazers. She's a BCA scholar so she's worn the blazer before to collect the grant. The problem started, to be exact, when she mentioned that there were male and female blazers, a whole different set in fact. To be honest, I don't know why they made different blazers instead of just the same one in a variation of sizes. The difference in uniform is obvious. The guys' uniform was white shirt, black pants, standard navy blazer, maroon school tie. The girls' uniform was white shirt, black skirt/pants, and a ridiculous hotel butler blazer lookalike. So I knew there were gonna be problems. I could almost taste it.

When we got to the student development centre, the lady in charge immediately started taking out some blazers to try. "This is the ladies' blazer, it comes in S and M" she said. So she passed them to the two girls in the group. Then she took out some guys' blazers, and passed them to the other two guys in the group. Then she looked at me with the scrutinising look I know so well. Looking me up and down as though some kind of gender sign will suddenly rise from within or something. "you?" she asked. The whole time this was happening, our teacher was standing there watching us, by now she was watching me, so I had to bite my tongue and say 'ladies'. Ladies. Ladies. How can one word make someone feel so..vulnerable. I was secretly hoping they did only have it in sizes S and M so I could have an excuse to get a guys' blazer in my size. I tried the M size initially and it fit miserably, the sleeves were too short and the shoulders were and sleeves were way too tight. So I casually suggested just getting the guys' blazer in a smaller size instead since there was a guy in my group who was taller than me but had roughly the same shoulder width. "no, ladies can only wear the ladies' blazer, you cannot wear the male blazer." it hurt. And it hurt more when my teacher laughed at me, in good humour I suppose, but I don't know, it still hurt to be laughed at for being me. In the end I settled for the XL blazer.

A little while after, my teacher sounded, "so are we going to standardise between wearing pants or skirt?". I thought this was ridiculous since my school always emphasised individual expression and I don't see any reason that one would be more 'formal' or change the light on the team as compared to the other. When she asked us that, I could almost sense that she was trying to make a fool out of me to lighten the situation. "let's all wear skirts" she declared. I refused. She laughed at me, again. I stood there like an idiot saying no. Out of nowhere, my friend pipes in "yeah! I want to see (me) in a skirt!", and for a moment there, I was stunned. She knew about me, she was one of the few people I had told. And then my teacher piped, "yeah that's my reason too!". You think this is funny, woman? So what if your supposedly female student portrays as a male, who are you to joke about them? Just because you love to wear skin tight denim skirts with slits up to your ass crack doesn't mean everyone is comfortable in their skin. I've completely lost respect for you. It hurts that you treat me like some piece of joke you can use to try and make people laugh. It hurts, okay? Whenever you say stuff like "you all want to standardise wear high heels", you look at me freaking straight in the eye, and then burst out laughing. You think it's funny don't you? Try living a day in my shoes. Try living in a world where you can't look at your own body without breaking down, where people give you strange stares until you're so used to it, where people try to 'convince' you to be 'yourself' because it's okay you'll look good I promise, where people make a fool out of you just because you don't conform to their standards. Bitch.

When I went out with a friend the other time and the waiter called me sir, she said "did you hear what he called you?" and got really happy and excited for me. And when I went out with another friend two days ago and the waiter called me sir, she said "he called you sir!" and I replied with "yeah I know he forgot the 'handsome' but that's alright" and she burst out laughing and that was alright. I could deal with that. But friend, you know. And teacher, you don't know but couldn't you be a little more sensitive to your students? Yes my dear friend mixed me up in a jumble of 'he's and 'she's but that's no reason for you to laugh. At me. It's not funny. As if it isn't obvious enough that gender was a weak point for me. You chose to hit me right there didn't you, laugh about it in my face. You're treading on the line there woman. I'm that close to vanishing from the award ceremony and declaring 'fuck-it' on the presentation that you're making me do since you know I took over your job as a mentor the four days we were there because you were too busy being away. "I'm so happy this is the first time we won!" Bullshit woman, you didn't win anything. This close. Have fun presenting on behalf of my team.

Pathetic

Why must I be so much of a burden to other people's lives. Why can't I be wings, why can't I lift people up, myself up. I'm not strong. I'm a liar. I'm not strong. I'm a pathetic little fucker. I can't stop crying. Just pathetic aren't I. Pathetic. No. Gone. You're gone. In pushing you away aren't I. It's my fault . Why do I do this why why am I me why do I have to be this way. I wish I was someone else.it hurts. I wish I could get into a car accident. Lose function in your dick I don't even have a dick what does that make me? It hurts.
I'm okay

Mother Of Ginseng

Good news for today, is that I finally finished the bottle of ginseng that I bought at least four days back. Was hell to drink honestly, I diluted it with so much water which was why it took ages to finish. Asshole of a friend who had a gym date with me today slept through it, even when I called her house she refused to wake up, seriously man, I'm so done with people and their so-called plans. I mean, if you're only half-hearted about it or you know this will happen, why set it up in the first place? I could have gone way earlier and beat the crowd had I not be waiting for you. And ladies and gentlemen, this is why I hardly have any plans the entire holidays, because people are too busy being lazy enough to not get out of their house. 

Almost threw up at the gym today, for god knows what reason, but I swallowed it back down, woohoo superpowers! I don't know, my stomach's been feeling fuzzy the whole day, not enough to make me carry a plastic bag everywhere I go, but not peaceful enough for me to be completely comfortable. I wore my makeshift binder to the gym today too. I'm really quite pleased with it to be honest, though I do have the bad habit of touching my chest over my shirt whenever I wear it, because it feels really good and smooth. I almost feel like a dolphin. And shirts tend to fall over it nicely as well, so I'm really pleased with how it works, now if I could only glue it on to my skin so it'd be permanently that way, that'd be awesome. At first I thought that I might have trouble breathing with it if I wore it to the gym, but turns out its pretty comfortable and causes no problems or pressure at all, it really feels like its not even there. Best part is that it makes me feel really safe and secure because I no longer have that constant worry with the things I do, which may emphasize or anything, so it makes me feel free to do anything. Except wear tank tops with it. But I generally have no problems with tanks in the first place so its fine. I do feel like I never wanna take it off though, it makes me feel finally pretty confident with my body, which I don't really get most of the time, and taking it off is just like some kind of sick sick reminder of the body beneath. I really don't wanna take it off.

And...I really needa be bulking up a hell more.

I'm Scary.

Relapse is literally the worst feeling. Whoever wrote that, you're right. Whatever relapse it might be, it feels like falling back into the pit that you spent so long climbing out of. Someone wrote the comment that you could see it as tripping over your shoelaces, tie them back up and continue walking. Tripping over your shoelaces isn't a relapse. Its not slipping into a struggle you've once overcome. A relapse resonates more along the lines of climbing out of a dark hole, tasting a bit of the sunshine on your tongue, complacently climbing faster and higher without watching your step, twisting your ankle and slipping into the trench once more. It hurts more the second time round because you're burdened with failure and the thoughts that you'll never make it out.

Perhaps insanity is a cure. A drunken state is so tempting right now to drown out the voices in my head. What is being drunk  like? It is like an hourglass turned over so sand is seeping grain by grain into the chamber below. Every falling grain marks a fraction of your thoughts diluted by the alcohol, every empty space in the top chamber, an empty space on your mind. It is a state of temporary limbo, drained of all the emotion clinging like cobwebs to the corners of your mind. The emotions are like cobwebs, they are spun from the fibers of your thought and hinder any clear perspective. Anything that tries to pass through will be hazed like stained glass, leaving only corpses hanging by their threads. As you down the alcohol, it floods through the gaps in your mind, waterlogging it till it swells up and throbs. There are no spaces in the mind for thinking, there is no obstacle and space, only a breathable rooms of liquid. There are no threads pulling on your emotions, there are no emotions, you're numb. The world around you might be on fire, but you are numb. In your lifeless mind, you are happy.

There is only a temporary drunken state, but there is a certain refuge one can seek in a lost cause. To put it simply, I've given up. I've given up on love, given up on soulmates, given up on us, because there is no way you can be happy with my love for you, and there's no way I can live with knowing I put you through such pain. Until someone can prove me wrong, there is no such thing as love. There is only pain awaiting those who love, the pain of being pushed away, the pain of pushing away, the sickening face of love leaving with someone else. There is no such thing as trust, for all those you trust will turn their back on you some day. You're not a person. You're some kind of sick manifestation of everything I used to love. I will prove to you that I'm not as weak as you think, I will fight this fucking war alone and tear the hearts out of all these monsters. I'm a lone soldier, I have nothing to lose anymore. You want me to be strong, I will be fucking ruthless, I will be cold-blooded and unstoppable even if it kills me. That's what this whole world is about, isn't it? Happiness at the expense of others. Ripping the tree of life to reap the fruits for benefit. There will be no warm bodied embrace, no tears of joy, only steel masks and alibis. Scars. Hard heavy breathing before I fucking crush his throat straight into the coffin. I am my own enemy. No one else exists. 

Pain will be frozen in its tracks. I'm alive, and I'll stay that way till death's embrace.

Why do you do this to me
This is turning out to be a shitty blog
I don't care

Nice Day Today Though.

Standing In The Dark - Lawson

I really need a drink right now. Drink, drink myself drunk and never come back.

World So Cold

World So Cold - Three Days Grace

So I've finally managed to break out of the pop music I've fallen back into a while back. Now its back to the Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin kind of angst to feed my devils. Tried Strictly Pancakes for the first time today. I don't really get the whole craze over it to be honest, its nothing too special, just popular I suppose. Turns out there's one pretty near my house so I may drop by a couple more times to try out the other food there, and their chocolate pancakes as well. I liked their scrambled eggs, nothing better in the morning than nice warmly toasted scrambled eggs, and their chicken sausages was nice as well. Don't really like their beef hash, a little too liquid for me, and their poached eggs were, well, I don't appreciate the strong vinegar taste. But we were only there for their breakfast menu, so perhaps the lunch would be better, I'll be sure to drop by during lunch time next then I suppose. One thing that I felt could be improved based on today was having homemade ice lemon tea instead of canned ones. I mean, flapjack shops are supposed to represent warmth, coziness and homeliness right? So why not complete it with homemade iced tea in a nice mug instead of handing you ice in a cup and a can of Heaven and Earth.  It'll be much nicer that way. So far I think I still prefer Batter Flufy Flaps to Strictly Pancakes because as I mentioned, cozy and warm are top priority for pancake places, it kind of represents homemade pancakes. And BFF isn't as crowded as well, and serves drinks in a nice cup/mug, food in a simple plate or basket, and overall has a nice homely simple ambience to the shop.

I'll be taking my camera out for a spin tomorrow, haven't been putting it to good use for some time, I think we'll probably head down to the west or north-west side of Singapore, the more ulu areas I would say. Or maybe Chinatown area, who knows? Initially we wanted to catch a movie, but since she's broke and I'm broke, I guess not hahah. I'm probably gonna try out what my friend does and go catch Warm Bodies by myself next week when I have the money, there's a cinema near my house anyway, so watching it wouldn't really be a problem. 

Last To Know

Last To Know - Three Days Grace

I suppose its time to include a workout here that I can use for days that I have no access to the gym, or am in a rush. Usually I just go for sprint sets and cardio for days like these, but I'm thinking a full body strength workout would be good as well. So as usual, I head off to the men's health website to find a few useful tips. I actually managed to search up a pretty useful workout, so I'm gonna post it up here:
1. Squat to push press
    2 sets x 8 reps
2. Press-up row
    2 sets x 6 reps
3. Overhead reverse lunge
    2 sets x 6 reps each side
Probably gonna throw in some bicep curls with the press-up row as well. So I'm gonna try it out now and come back to post how it is.
Alright done. First and foremost, I'd like to say that the squat to push press, in other words thrusters, were very effective in bringing the body temperature up, its very intense, and a good sort of endurance training in order to control the movements. The push up and row was alright, as men's health had mentioned, core stability was very important to keep the rest of the body stationary while you row. Overhead reverse lunge, I don't really like or get that one because my balance is a bit off when my arms are overhead. So in addition to that, I added in straight leg deadlifts, bent over rows, and squat thrusts in sets of 12, 10, 8 and 6 after that, and needless to say, I'm pumped.

Goodnight Moon

Goodnight Moon - Go Radio

I actually had no idea that this guy is from Mayday Parade, who later left because his father passed away and he couldn't join them on tour. No wonder their music style is similar, and they even sound similar, the way they sing. 

I'll be getting my second tub, and hopefully third and fourth of protein tomorrow, courtesy of Joel and his membership card. I'll probably be switching from my Pro Performance Weight Gainer 1850 to a Pro Performance Mass Gainer Complex, which would probably support muscle growth better. I realise that it would be better for me to go for a mass gainer rather than a weight gainer because there are certain products which aim to raise a person's weight, regardless of muscle development or fat retention. This is geared more towards underweight people who are seeking to gain weight, which is not what I'm looking for. I was also actually thinking of getting creatine monohydrate, which apparently helps to support muscle rebuilding, since it is an amino acid which facilitates synthesizing protein in our body cells. Their Maximuscle Cyclone also seems very popular for use in various sports, mainly because it promotes strength (similar to creatine).  I feel spoilt for choices all of a sudden.

I'll be changing my back workout as of tomorrow to target the muscles more specifically as well, especially my lats. To be honest I'm no fan of big traps cos they make you look like you don't have a neck, but I'm gonna work on those as well. But wider lats are a must, they'll help me in my pull ups and make my back ultimately broader, which will help a lot in shoulder growth. As of now, my back workout includes pull ups, lat pulldowns, seated cable row, deadlifts, reverse dumbbell flyes, and occasionally, incline Y raises. My new workout tomorrow will aim more towards the lats, so it'll be:
Pull Ups
Inclined Pull Ups
Lats Pull Downs (standard and wide grip)
Deadlifts
Seated Cable Row
Dumbbell Pullovers
Bent over Row
Cable Pullovers

Career

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I should pursue a career in acting. Because in acting, even best friends get to be this close, not talking holding hands or hugging, this close. Since no ones gonna fall in love with me, at least having someone being paid to do so isn't that bad. Even transguys need a little love and affection. Besides, she's pretty hot, from this angle especially, love her jawline. And well, I'm sorry that, when I saw the trailer to that movie, and the retarded parts of it, the first person I thought of watching it with is you. And I was wishing that even though I wasn't the first to ask, but I might still have had a chance to watch it with you. I didn't know you thought differently, and that's why I reacted that way I guess. You're like a huge trigger for me now, it's like everything you say or do, I don't know whether I can believe because of previous things that you have done. I wish I could hand you my trust to be taken care of, but I'm afraid it will be be carelessly swept aside on a dusty shelf waiting for a day you care. So I place my trust on my own shelf, but the triggers are getting worse. It's the trauma of a high speed car crash, flashbacks, breakdowns, crippling fear to look at a car again. It's the body's defence mechanism against happiness balanced on a tower of needles. A lost child in an alley, sweating profusely, skin white and cold, eyes wide in terror, darting to and fro, transfixed upon a wall of shadows with their longs claws and crooked laughs. I wish I could stay mad at you, but there's no way for me to. You know exactly how to warm my insides, make me forget why I was ever angry at you in the first place. I can't help myself.

Dilemma

That's right, dilemma. Well, not exactly a dilemma. Just, troubles. I can't remember whether or not I have taken my daily supplements. And this has been going on for a couple of days now. It all started when I missed my supplements in the morning one day, so I took it at night before I went to sleep. And then the following day, it happened again. And the day after, too. At least I think it did. Because now even if I've taken my supplements in the morning, my brain signals me at night telling me I have not yet taken my supplements. And since I usually take twice the recommended dosage at one go, for today at least, I'm quite sure I've taken four times the recommended dosage. That's bad, I'm probably gonna turn into iron man or something.

The next thing that I'm quite annoyed and helpless about is that I've injured both of my arms due to overworking the muscles. I'm pinpointing this to probably the few times I've either dropped the weight on myself, or pounded on weights that are much more than my usual. And since I do upper body workouts for a few days in a row (leg workouts are included in some) I suppose the worn out muscles from the day before shred even worse when I use them again the following day. I think it started with arms day though, and because I've been trying out more equipment at the gym, I tend to extend my workouts beyond my usual, which can overtrain the muscles. So now, my arms are usually fine while I'm working out, but at random times when I'm resting or doing daily things, there will be this jolt of stabbing pain down the side of my arms, and sometimes it's bad enough to make me groan or gasp for air for a bit. I was supposed to rest today but I got bored while waiting for Natasha to collect her shoes so I went to gym for a bit, but I tried to do more exercises where my arms were kept more or less stationary. It just seems that now I'm almost addicted to lifting things, like when I'm bored at home I'll just go over and lift my stationary bike a couple of times, and it's just so damn hard for me to keep myself from training. I'm trying to take the next few days off though, can't afford to injure my arms further. On the bright side though, met a friend today and he told me I got bigger, so hey well at least it's noticeable.

Having a house to share between friends would be nice. A friend and I were talking about how wonderful it would be if we all happened to study abroad in the same state or country and we could all rent a house together, because considering there'd be about seven of us, the price probably won't be so bad. There was this picture I shared with her of a large swimming pool within the house, bordering on a floor to ceiling glass wall and partially glass roof over the pool. The rounded pool lights up at night, giving an all round magical ambience brining you a step closer to the edge between inside and outside. You could just imagine hanging inside the pool after a hard day at school and just stargazing and having heart to heart talks and cheery laughs. We also stumbled upon a rooftop jacuzzi where the tub sits within a garden-like area on the roof of the house. Of course this is only complemented by the surroundings of blurry city lights and an occasional passing vehicle downstairs. The garden is completely furnished with deck chairs and wooden tables, you could just imagine having a drink and tidbits there and one of your friends whistle you over to the tub, stretching out hours of work and enjoying time. That's a nice house. A beautiful view, an interlace of privacy to the outside world, and a house of friends, what more can make a home?

Post Compliment

When you told me you were flattered, to be honest, I was utterly surprised. I didn't expect you, of all people to say that. Kinda creeped out maybe, or ever so closer to calling me a freak, but flattered, now that's a first. Sometimes I feel like I simply do not understand why girls can feel completely insecure about themselves, but then I realise, I'm like that too sometimes. It's funny how we sometimes forget that what we're usually most insecure about is what others mostly overlook, and we exaggerate it out of proportion until its noticeable by the people around us. And we do this because we need the security, yaknow? Everyone needs a random compliment sometime to save their day, and since these random compliments don't come cheap or often, it is often with heavy heart and habit that these individuals seek out a cure to their individuality freckles.

Just think about it, if you received a random compliment that could make your day, anyday, you wouldn't need to go out there and wave the flag. I'm getting pretty tired now so I'll continue this post another day, possibly tomorrow. Just a thing though. I don't know how you do it. Kiss my cheek and make butterflies spiral out of nowhere from the pit of my stomach to the tip of my spine. I just don't get it.

Catch My Breath.

Wow, glad to know my concern means bullshit to you. As if you couldn't have just spared 1 message to let me know. Just so you know, I messed the shit up with my arm, and every damned message I type hurts like shit. You played me like a fool now didn't you?  Got me waiting up for you thinking you just forgot to reply me. Yeah I'm pathetic aren't I.  Sigh. I thought I meant a little more to you that you could've at least let me know you won't be around tonight. How can I believe when you say that you'll text me to let me know you'll be back late, when I can't even trust you to tell me you're at camp. I mean, you forget once or twice, that's fine with me, but if you're gonna forget so many times then its really gonna take its toll on you if you're dealing with more important things. I am understanding. Alright, you've been busy with costumes and you've been really stressed out. I really shouldn't have expected you to remember something less important like letting me, of all people, know that you'll be at camp. I suppose its not your fault that such a minute matter might have slipped your mind, perhaps you thought you've told me before. I'm sorry.

Champion

When you're in the ring, the guy who's not afraid to die, he will be the winner. He is the man who is not afraid of losing, the man who has tasted the bitter pain of falling, the man who had dirt gritted between his teeth from failure. In almost all sports, you can win through skill. This is not one of those sports. This is a fight driven by determination, technique, and raw hunger. You fight today, not tomorrow, not next week, today, because every second, every minute left untamed is a step further away from winning. There is no 'can't' in this sport; in a fight against your own conscience, you conquer the mind, and the body will follow. In the ring, it's not about the bigger man. You throw a punch, you move, move before the opponent hits you, tackle it under and strike, move forward. When you're knocked down, get back up, he, she, they can't tell you to quit, you never let your opponent see your back. Never quit, that's what separates a normal person and a champion.

"I am a champion." -The Bar Brothers

Truths and More Truths

It doesn't get any more real than this. This is why I love everything about Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. They have a career together, they hang out together, they perform together, they help each other out with side projects, but they aren't together. She's with some other guy (no idea what his name is), and Joseph is her really good friend. To be honest I think they're sweeter together but oh well. At least they're both okay with it. I guess I relate to this gif-set in a way, at least with regards to my ex and all. Its gotten better these past months, and I'm no longer a walking corpse tainted by heartbreak leaving trails of pain wherever I go. But there are certain places I go, certain songs that I hear, certain moments that pass that will trigger my mind, telling myself "hey, I think she'll like this", or "I can imagine her singing this song", or "hey, this is a nice place I'd would've liked to bring her to, I'm sure we could enjoy this place together". And then I stop for a bit, wondering if she's enjoying the same little things that I would've wanted to share with her, walking down the dusty path with a handful of flowers and memories I could have stolen. 

If you ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine, I would lie and say that you're not on my mind. But I go out and I sit down at a table that's meant for two, and I finally I'm forced to face the truth. No matter what I say, I'm not over you.

Just heard that song a while back. I don't understand why my dad got mad at me for leaving the plate and drink on the table when I'm still going to drink and eat again. Okay, the drink was near the laptop, but it was capped anyway, so anyway accidental spills would've been avoided regardless. And I left the plate on the table because I was going to use it to eat soon anyways, and I don't see the point in double washing, its only gonna waste water and it boils down to the same results anyway. To be honest, I think he just didn't want to admit he was wrong so he took it out on me instead. And back to her, I'll get it, if you need it; I'll search, if you can't see it, You're thirsty, I'll be rain, You get hurt, I'll take your pain. I know, you don't believe it; But I said it, and I still mean it; When you heard, what I told you; When you get worried, I'll be your soldier. I've always said I wanted to be a soldier haven't I? An epitome of courage and strength with Semper Fidelis tattooed across my back underneath a seal of eagle wings. But I suppose before I can open sail into tempest, I have to be able to conquer storms of the mind first. Which is why I will fight for you, protect you, and be your soldier, if you're okay with that.

Carry On

Carry On - Fun

“You think relationships are difficult? Try friendships. Try courting someone in order to convince them to join you in some nameless, shapeless Platonic complication — forever. Convince an adult stranger that you are worth a healthy slice of their limited time and energy without the prize of sex or romance.”
-Laura Jane Martin

This above quote is sadly true most of the time. We are so concerned in the future that a relationship might bring us, that we become slaves to the physical pleasures that we seem to tie to being in a relationship. Like Laura said, there's not many who would stick around in this loose-hung foreplay, and signing their name next to it in commitment. Like it or not, romance, the wholesome emotional and physical package of it, is a thrill. It is human nature, everyone loves a hug or a kiss, everyone loves holding hands, everyone loves the bow-tie effect of others recognising that two people are together. And more than likely, people love that recognition because this creates a whole boundary around their partner that exclaims that they belong to them, and well, that's just the whole enjoyment of it, feeling that someone belongs to you. Friendship, just like a romantic relationship, requires time and energy to sustain. Assume similar amounts of energy spent on friendship and relationship, and take a step back and look at what pleasure is being denied in a friendship, EVERYTHING that's mentioned above, and I could say that a true friend is harder to find than a steady partner. No I'm not talking true friends being people you chill at the bar with, share stories to loosen your mind up, no I'm talking about friends who will give you the same amount of comfort, sacrificing their time and energy for you, the same way a partner would, but without receiving any sort of physical reward in return. I suppose that's pretty hard to chance upon. I mean, look at it this way. Two people who would put their life down in a heartbeat for you, one who's able to redeem a reward, one who isn't. While the intention may be the same, given some time, chances are (but not limited to), either one person starts doing things for the happiness the security and rewards give himself, or the other person gets tired and leaves, which a true friend shouldn't do. From the word stew above, it does seem like the life of a friend would be sad, but I suppose its better to live sad turned meaningful, than true turned selfish. If a woodcutter chopped wood to donate it to orphanages and a a teacher is paid for his dream job to teach, give it some time, and the woodcutter would either love and leave, and the teacher will work for money. Think about it, most of the things we do are for the benefit of ourselves, going the distance to meet someone is because meeting the person will make you happy, kissing someone is because you enjoy it, sending someone home is because you want to spend more time with the person. Selfless is harder to find than you think. Relationships are beautiful, friendships are harder to find.

On a separate note, it hurts me to think that I've missed my boyhood, that I've missed the experience of growing up as a teenage boy, and I will never be able to experience it. Childhood and adolescent is the exciting journey of self discovery for most people, where they see themselves changing into their future selves bit by bit, and explore their bodies and share their experiences with similar growing children. Its where they look at themselves in the mirror and touch their skin, and realise they're slowly morphing into more of the person they want to be. For girls, this is where they learn to dress pretty and neat manners to appear pleasant before the people around them. For boys, it starts off learning from dad how to stand and aim to pee, how to play soccer, how you shouldn't tease girls or they won't like you. I've never had that. For me, this period is a mix of monochrome and colours. Light and colours flooded the fun I had with new friends and new places. Monochrome dulls any aspects of discovering myself. My starkest black blotch of ink places me in my uncle's car, tucked in a skirt my mom had bought, having the people around me throw me compliments, roses applauding the actor on stage when really what they tossed were just handfuls of thorns. I remember being paralyzed in thought, paraplexed in confusion as to how, why I didn't feel as happy as one was supposed to feel when being given a compliment. That skirt is so pretty. See, I told you the skirt will look nice on you. You look so pretty. Bullshit. I was a clown in my eyes, a puppet in the gallows of a symphony of strings that were tied to the hands of everyone else but me. I moved with every tug and pull, my mouth opened and closed as they wished but no words came out, no there were words, words coming bellowing from the puppetrators above, voices far too loud for a puppet so tiny. And like Pinnochio, I longed and wished to be a real boy. Heck, I even wished I was a cat or a wolf on those late nights that I could not sleep because I thought it was more likely to happen. Who wouldn't cut themselves free from this venomous black widow's web? ..Who wouldn't cut? Nobody wants to grow up. Maybe if you people sit down for a second and push those blatantly shallow thoughts in a chokehold around your throat where they belong, you might actually start to guess that the only reason I choose to be childish while I can now is because these are the only shredded remnants of my childhood that I will never be able to fully experience. I was born in this world a sculpture of ambiguity, I step into this world, a man. It kills me to know that I will never experience my boyhood.

Edit: I realise now that you have many responsibilities, many of them heavier than your own mass if they were to measure in kilograms. Responsibility to your cca, cheer, schoolwork, family, relationship, church. I shouldn't take up so much of your time and energy. I should back off and not try to shove my way up the ranks of importance. I'm sorry. You're right, I didn't understand.