Carry On

Carry On - Fun

“You think relationships are difficult? Try friendships. Try courting someone in order to convince them to join you in some nameless, shapeless Platonic complication — forever. Convince an adult stranger that you are worth a healthy slice of their limited time and energy without the prize of sex or romance.”
-Laura Jane Martin

This above quote is sadly true most of the time. We are so concerned in the future that a relationship might bring us, that we become slaves to the physical pleasures that we seem to tie to being in a relationship. Like Laura said, there's not many who would stick around in this loose-hung foreplay, and signing their name next to it in commitment. Like it or not, romance, the wholesome emotional and physical package of it, is a thrill. It is human nature, everyone loves a hug or a kiss, everyone loves holding hands, everyone loves the bow-tie effect of others recognising that two people are together. And more than likely, people love that recognition because this creates a whole boundary around their partner that exclaims that they belong to them, and well, that's just the whole enjoyment of it, feeling that someone belongs to you. Friendship, just like a romantic relationship, requires time and energy to sustain. Assume similar amounts of energy spent on friendship and relationship, and take a step back and look at what pleasure is being denied in a friendship, EVERYTHING that's mentioned above, and I could say that a true friend is harder to find than a steady partner. No I'm not talking true friends being people you chill at the bar with, share stories to loosen your mind up, no I'm talking about friends who will give you the same amount of comfort, sacrificing their time and energy for you, the same way a partner would, but without receiving any sort of physical reward in return. I suppose that's pretty hard to chance upon. I mean, look at it this way. Two people who would put their life down in a heartbeat for you, one who's able to redeem a reward, one who isn't. While the intention may be the same, given some time, chances are (but not limited to), either one person starts doing things for the happiness the security and rewards give himself, or the other person gets tired and leaves, which a true friend shouldn't do. From the word stew above, it does seem like the life of a friend would be sad, but I suppose its better to live sad turned meaningful, than true turned selfish. If a woodcutter chopped wood to donate it to orphanages and a a teacher is paid for his dream job to teach, give it some time, and the woodcutter would either love and leave, and the teacher will work for money. Think about it, most of the things we do are for the benefit of ourselves, going the distance to meet someone is because meeting the person will make you happy, kissing someone is because you enjoy it, sending someone home is because you want to spend more time with the person. Selfless is harder to find than you think. Relationships are beautiful, friendships are harder to find.

On a separate note, it hurts me to think that I've missed my boyhood, that I've missed the experience of growing up as a teenage boy, and I will never be able to experience it. Childhood and adolescent is the exciting journey of self discovery for most people, where they see themselves changing into their future selves bit by bit, and explore their bodies and share their experiences with similar growing children. Its where they look at themselves in the mirror and touch their skin, and realise they're slowly morphing into more of the person they want to be. For girls, this is where they learn to dress pretty and neat manners to appear pleasant before the people around them. For boys, it starts off learning from dad how to stand and aim to pee, how to play soccer, how you shouldn't tease girls or they won't like you. I've never had that. For me, this period is a mix of monochrome and colours. Light and colours flooded the fun I had with new friends and new places. Monochrome dulls any aspects of discovering myself. My starkest black blotch of ink places me in my uncle's car, tucked in a skirt my mom had bought, having the people around me throw me compliments, roses applauding the actor on stage when really what they tossed were just handfuls of thorns. I remember being paralyzed in thought, paraplexed in confusion as to how, why I didn't feel as happy as one was supposed to feel when being given a compliment. That skirt is so pretty. See, I told you the skirt will look nice on you. You look so pretty. Bullshit. I was a clown in my eyes, a puppet in the gallows of a symphony of strings that were tied to the hands of everyone else but me. I moved with every tug and pull, my mouth opened and closed as they wished but no words came out, no there were words, words coming bellowing from the puppetrators above, voices far too loud for a puppet so tiny. And like Pinnochio, I longed and wished to be a real boy. Heck, I even wished I was a cat or a wolf on those late nights that I could not sleep because I thought it was more likely to happen. Who wouldn't cut themselves free from this venomous black widow's web? ..Who wouldn't cut? Nobody wants to grow up. Maybe if you people sit down for a second and push those blatantly shallow thoughts in a chokehold around your throat where they belong, you might actually start to guess that the only reason I choose to be childish while I can now is because these are the only shredded remnants of my childhood that I will never be able to fully experience. I was born in this world a sculpture of ambiguity, I step into this world, a man. It kills me to know that I will never experience my boyhood.

Edit: I realise now that you have many responsibilities, many of them heavier than your own mass if they were to measure in kilograms. Responsibility to your cca, cheer, schoolwork, family, relationship, church. I shouldn't take up so much of your time and energy. I should back off and not try to shove my way up the ranks of importance. I'm sorry. You're right, I didn't understand.