"Someone asked me why I am so nice to people who treated me bad, and I didn't know the answer. Then during class, I looked around after finishing my test and realized why. I looked at the boy who made fun of my inability to do math, and his head was on the desk and he looked tired. I know he played in the band, so he had to be at school early and I wondered if he had something at home keeping him up or maybe it was the amount of classwork teachers assigned. I looked at the girl who returned my hellos by snapping her gum and twisting her hair. I knew her and her boyfriend broke up, and I wondered how hard it must be to have everyone concerned in your business. He could probably be a jerk, and I knew she only acted dumb in class so people would like her. And I thought about the boy in PE who picked me last for teams, how squinted at his paper and furrowed his eyebrow. It must be a lot of work always practicing, and then also having to get good grades and go to college. And then there was also the girl who everyone thought was a bitch, but little did she know I saw the scars on her wrist, and then there is the girl who is always reading, and I wonder what she got from those books or if she is running from something. And there is the boy who always wears that shirt and I know his shoes have holes in them because when it rains he complains about wet socks, and I wonder if his parents work hard for him or if they drink a lot and I wonder if he feels outcasted because he has so little. And the other boy who just moved here from Mexico, and he doesn't speak a lot of English, and I can only imagine how confused he is. I can't imagine learning this stuff in a new language. And even the teacher, I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring today. Maybe he is giving us more work and more homework because he wants us to do better than he did. The point is, I look at all these people and realize that they have their own troubles and their own demons, and the last thing I want to do is add to them. Its a lot of pressure growing up, and no matter what anyone says none of us have it easy."
Sometimes being on tumblr makes me lose the little faith that I have. I see these pictures of men with hot bodies and loads of comments by girls saying things like "My future husband has to look like this or else" or "Why don't all guys look like this" or "If you're a guy who doesn't look like this, you should be ashamed". And when I read those comments, I can just feel the few drops of fuel I have left in my heart to keep moving, just seep away. Its like a race between a frog, a turtle and a fish as to who can run ashore first. There are some guys like the frog, born with a good physique and face, easily able to reach that objective. There are others who are like the turtle, there's some work to be done, but they will reach their destination in due time. Then there are fish. You can't even reach the shore in the first place, you can swim as hard as your pathetic fins will take you, but you'll never get there. You can be some sort of a man in other people's eyes, or a lesbian or a butch or some retard you know how painful it is to hear that? You will never be the man that a girl will shyly whisper to her friend "I wanna marry him." Because no one can see future with you, so they aren't even willing to try. You fucking called the girl I like 'homophobic' for not wanting to be with me, what the FUCK is that supposed to imply!? You know how I identify, how could you even say that? Handsome. If I could be called that do you know how happy I would be? Do you know why it makes me feel so happy when someone can put their hand on my chest. I can't even get any of those without possibly asking, but you know why it makes me so happy? It means they think of me as a man, even if I have to ask for it, it somewhats eases the wounds of whatever manhood I have that gets stomped on every single day by the judgemental eyes of this society, of my family even. How do you expect me to believe in myself after so long, i'm so tired.
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