One down, many more to go. With the final model submission and RWP oral presentation over, I am down to a few more submissions, namely 4 x A1 presentation boards in softcopy and hardcopy, RWP final report, General Education argumentative, HTA journals, and MAT sketches. All of which are down for this Friday. But my computer has been lagging today and keeps shutting down my photoshop, and can't even open my word document, so I'm left lying here to type this before I start on something. Needless to say, I need a short break before going full steam ahead once more. I've noticed that there's been someone who's been reading my blog these past few days and I can't really put a finger down on who. Nobody knows about this blog except one person, and that one person has been dead busy past couple of days so I don't see why she would be here. So yes, mystery reader is on the loose. Speaking of which, the only person who knows about this blog has her phone spoiled a couple of days back cutting off all contact between us. She said she'd talk through facebook (can you do that if you're not facebook friends with the person?) but after a while of thinking it through, she does have a phone to use, just that it doesn't have whatsapp, which is the main mode of communication between us. If she wanted to let me know something, she could just let a mutual friend know to pass on the message, and besides, we're both on instant messaging now but she's not saying a word, so I assume its not the telephone's problem. Surprisingly enough, after I told this to a friend, the friend replied with "i don't think she'll tell you when her phone is fixed." I was going to rebut with a quick 'no way' but I thought the better of it and kept quiet. 'no way' is just what I want to believe, its the obvious answer that would make anyone in my position just that much more confident. After thinking about it, the above situation suddenly seems quite likely. I've been left in the dark enough the past few months to know that not everything is quite what it seems. I no longer trust that any flicker in this light would mean its going to brighten the room. You just have to realise that if the light isn't going to live up to its name, your eyes will soon adjust to the dark and it'll be time to take the light down from above you. I recognise that I am a changed person. And its true, pain changes people. Between the bolts of excruciating pain ripping my soul, the lonely nights spent shivering in blankets, and the shadow cast behind these eyes to numb all the fleeting images, I admit that I have changed.
For one, I now have a greater value for time. Where my mind has previously been a jumble of blurry lines I now segregate my time such that none of my time in a day is wasted. Time with my family, time to exercise, time to work, time to rest, time to record my journey so I can look back at it someday. It might be a good cause to distract myself from thinking, but hopefully it will become a good habit. Secondly, my tower blocks of character have collapsed. I can be quiet and sunken one minute, and become high over some strange things the next. Take today for example, one of the lowest times I felt for some time, some time later, I started finding the word 'soup' hilarious, and started repeating 'dinosaur' and 'butterfly' over and over again. Other times when I'm supposed to be happy, I'm quieter and much more toned down. After reflecting for a while, I now recognise that I was content at that point, not unhappy whatsoever, but it seems more like a body mechanism to place a lid so that I won't get too happy, just so I won't crash down again. Its my body's way of saying look, this is what you've done to me, this is the empty shell you left after pouring my livelihood into a bottle and putting it up on the shelf. Thirdly, I don't trust anyone. I simply cannot open up my heart to anyone knowing that they're just going to shove me aside once something better is on the road. Simply put, when you strip a man of all his love, hope, and desire, you're left with fully functional gears, an efficient, mechanical robot.
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