Nothing Much

Balian Buschbaum

This man is my idol. He is a former pole vaulter, he has a wonderfully taken care of appearance and body, and he was assigned female at birth. Look at him now, he's gotten so far from where he started and he inspires people like me to chase after what I want, and to never give up on it. He gave up his sporting career to do what he wanted and undergo gender reassignment surgery and I really respect him for that, since he already made it so far in the olympic sport. He had a future there. But now he's back on track as a coach, with an identity he can fully identify himself with. I hope I can be like this in the future.

I feel terribly lonely tonight and this time, there's no one around. I feel that my friendship with certain people are failing because I'm stupid enough to believe what they say when they say there's gonna be time, they're gonna be there after this, so on. I seem to never learn my lesson that there is no such thing. Even if there's extra time, it doesn't mean that the time is meant for you. Sure, maybe they said there will be time for you, but when the time comes, other things just takes precedence over your existence.  Its like how the rain falls because the sky cries for the withering plants, they're only there to take on the role of sympathetic eyes and words when you fall down to the dust. You're like a beggar or a sad busker, the kind that sits by the curb quietly awaiting some company, maybe a friendly person to come by, maybe, maybe, and the longer you wait the more you realize that nobody's gonna come for you, no one is going to take the step to start a conversation or offer a smile. You're tempted to run in front of a moving car, but you don't want to seem to be demanding attention, but the feeling creeps up again whispering in your ear tales of your forgotten existence, but you hold back, maybe there's still a chance, but the need for comfort is almost as crippling as the snow by your feet, but maybe this stranger, no he walks by, maybe the nex- but you give in.

The ambulance comes.

Someone must have noticed you exist.

Its a surprise how they flock when the soul has been sworn to leave.