Don't Believe

Today, I finally got myself some vitamins, supplements, or however you'd wish to put it. On the bright side, these are likely to increase T in my body naturally, even if just a little, but on the bad side, I already ran out of protein powder. About the protein powder, it took much faster than I expected to finish the tub. The lady at GNC said something about 27 servings, but after I was done, I realised I had only gotten about 10 servings out of it. Time to buy a new tub soon; I realised that it tastes much much better with chocolate milk than when mixed with plain cold water, maybe because the plain water makes the malt taste more apparent while the chocolate milk masks it a little. Surprisingly, with the chocolate milk, it tastes less sweet as well, which makes it much easier to drink during workouts, when the last thing I want is a sugary aftertaste in my mouth. About the vitamins, I got myself Garlic capsules at 500mg per capsule (2 caps per serving), Zinc + Magnesium capsules, and Korean Ginseng capsules. All of these I heard have had some sort of impact on other transmen, even if the results are not as obvious as those on T (I don't have that liberty, unfortunately). They're supposedly effective in heightening natural T levels together with weight lifting workouts, and improving stamina and energy in the person as well, which helps you achieve a more effective workout. Some other things I'm looking into getting are Tongkat Ali (thankfully it's really easy to get a hold of this in Asian countries), tribulus, creatine, and T enhancer/E suppressant. All these target testosterone boosting much more actively, or so I've heard, and block out E at the same time. To be honest, I can't wait to get results but at the same time nervous as to how people around me might react. Moreover, I don't wanna overdose myself on supplements just yet because my body may not be able to handle the sudden influx of bullshit coming its way and may just, who knows, shut down or something if my liver can't take it.

I'm looking to buy a compression shirt as well, mostly to wear to exercise at the gym or something because the material is so comfortable and cooling, but maybe also to wear as an under-layer if I'm feeling particularly dysphoric. The one I'm looking at right now is a sports compression running shirt from Adidas, there's several designs to it and they're all pretty rad so I like them. I don't think it will work as great as an actual binder, but this will do for now, it's a tiny little step. And if it doesn't, a chopper and a sedative will always work. I also bought a new shirt today, a sweet denim shirt, short sleeved, which really looks awesome for some reason, never thought denim and short sleeves would go well together. I really hope to bulk up more though, that way I can fit better into a standard men's S rather than just muscle fit/slim cut ones. Sucks to be born in such a small frame, really. I measured my weight today again after 1-2 weeks on just protein (no added supplements) and workout, and I see a nicely added weight of 2.4kg so far, that is SWEET. Still off of my target of 60 kilos, but I'm getting there. My target should be to hit 62 kilos by mid next year, and 65 kilos by end of next year. Now I'm almost 58.5 kilos so I'm quite happy with my progress.

Turns out my parents are serious on getting me a mat for my room so I won't mess up the floor with my weights. At first I thought they were talking about standard gym mats or yoga mats. Boy was I ever wrong. Nope, what THEY have in mind are jigsaw pieces alphabet rubber mats like those for kindergarten classes. Yup, it's quite good I guess cos it absorbs the shock better and I don't have to keep on gently placing the weights down or cringe whenever a metal piece drops on the ground. They haven't bought one yet, but that's coming into my room pretty soon. I took a look at some pull up bars today as well, it's about 23.50-26.00 bucks for a soft grip double bracket metal bar that can be fixed between the door frame so I'm hoping to get one soon enough. My only concern is that my head will knock into the ceiling whenever I pull myself up, but that's pretty minor so all's good there.

On a side note, I had a really nice conversation with my ex this morning, she's always much nicer to talk to when she's alone, more patient with me and more..familiar. She says she scares herself, and that really got to me for a while. It almost seemed like a the ice was cracking..like the trapped girl was trying to escape...almost. She scares herself because of how fast she moves on, she scares me because of what she becomes when she gets all she's wanted for a long time. Her parents seem more lenient now, letting her stay out over 11 with her friends compared to a strict 'call straight after school', 'call when you reach ___' routine that I was really familiar with, she's got a guy, a group of friends, quite good results without studying that much, full commitment to street dance, goes out more, she's pretty much getting what she wanted for a long while. And for some reason, this scares me. The strictest parents create the most rebellious child. She had really strict parents and rules. I'm afraid she'll go all-out wild. She won't..right? I don't know, I don't know. And stupid me just can't stop worrying. I wish all conversations I have with her are like this morning's. Full of innocent fun and appreciation. (Call me an evil sinner one more time, I dare you.)