Post New Year

The Man Who Never Lied - Maroon 5

Haven't posted up for some time since the new year started. Well, its the new year and with new years come some freshly baked beginnings. 2012 was a year of many new experiences for me. To state, it was a where I had my job at Manhattan Fish Market for a couple of months, I went to a new school that was different from all my friends' and started anew there, I had a girlfriend whom I loved with all my heart and could rely on, she left me and I knew then what it felt like to have my heart broken, I embraced my identity deeper and looked for ways that I could be who I am, I started drinking more excessively, and by the end of the year, much of my depression came back. With these experiences, I definitely gained a lot of knowledge about myself and the world around me, which I'm going to briefly describe here. With my job at Manhattan's, I learnt how to interact with people I don't know better, how to know my place, respect and be respected in a place with much higher positions than I was. I learnt to deal with my money issues better as I knew then the hard work it takes to get the cash, and I still remember how happy I was to receive my first paycheck. Going to a new school, I learnt what it was like to be independent and pick myself up from the ground in a completely new environment and to slowly accept it, I learnt to quickly make friends, I learnt the beauty of architecture, which led me to appreciate the finer details that most people simply miss. With my ex girlfriend, I learnt that relationships can tear you away from some people, I learnt the bliss of simply lying next to someone you love in an empty classroom, I learnt to how much you could mean to a person. When we broke up, I learnt much more, I learnt the weight of a single goodnight text, I learnt to stand up for people I love, I learnt to rebuild and appreciate old friendships, I learnt pain and hatred, I learnt what it means to truly love someone, I learnt that time won't wait, I learnt that it's okay to cry. To embrace my identity better, I learnt that sometimes, you have to take the extra step out because otherwise, nothing's gonna change the reality, I learnt that small steps are enough to make me happy with myself sometimes, even if its not big, if I can just believe it. With more excessive drinking and falling into depression, I learnt that sometimes, nobody is going to be there for you at all, you will get misunderstood, you will worry you're asking for too much, you will cry until you can't breathe and drink until you talk to yourself in an empty room, and sometimes, that small amount of liberation is just what you need to get away from it for a while and refocus yourself as soon as possible.

This year, I aim to lead a richer, better quality life full of ups and downs, be a better person as whole. I am to gain weight and strive for a better body which aligns more to my identity, through a standard, safe but with a few risks strategy. I aim to be closer to some of my new friends whom I can get along better with, while at the same time maintaining my old friendships. I aim to accept my ex girlfriend's new life though I love her and hopefully still be friends with her and can be there for her when she needs me. I hope that the pain I'm going through every day loving someone who loves someone else, will only make me a stronger person in future. I aim to try to be there more for my friends and family, and support my mom more in her business as well as be closer to my dad. I aim to get better, get out of this dark place, maybe not now, but soon.

Here's to 2013.