Self Intro.

Between - Courier

First time writing on this blog, I guess I should do a simple self-introductory here first. Name's Jokim (as of now), a transman and only child to my parents. Currently single as I'll ever be, girlfriend left me couple months ago so, yeap.  17 and studying architecture as of now, hopefully going into architecture in the future and maybe some psychology and theology or studies on religion in the future.

Why you may ask, because there's many many questions I'd ask before following a religion, there's many things I want to know and get clear, because anyone will know there are so many gaps and perspectives yet to be looked into that I believe makes the word 'religion' much different from what most people currently believe in. I believe there's a reason God would state the Ten Commandments in that way, there's a reason certain things are sins and certain things are not, and I believe its best to study and get down to the bottom of things before I follow anything blindly.

I just read an article earlier on, about the sin of baseball. Simple old baseball. Okay but before that, what would be considered a sin in the first place? Something bad. And why is it bad, it might be destructive to ourselves as people, it might bring us further from God through such destructive mindsets. It might be something that harms others, beating someone up maybe, because as a person I am forbidden from doing so, because doing that puts me in a selfish position that disregards another person's rights, and such a selfish mindset might separate me from God. So back to baseball, is playing baseball a sin? I wouldn't say so, I mean in all fun and games, its just about enjoying yourself. But suppose I play baseball all the time, such that my friendship and family ties are strained, and in other words, I put baseball above anything else. Similarly, this puts me in a selfish position, which once again might nurture me into a mindset that separates me from God. So is playing baseball a sin? No, but perhaps you might have to get your priorities straight.

Now why do I choose to delve into this, its simply because for me, a transman, every day is a fight. I am constantly seen as a mistake, a wrong, some kind of sinful error in all walks of life and religion. I lost someone I love dearly to religion, and it puts a strain on my relationship with my parents. I really want to put an end to it, not through conformation, but through thorough understanding. If being a transman is a sin, I want to know why. If God made me this way and I tried to conform to society's standards of 'normal' would that not be running from my identity, how I was made, and wouldn't that then be a sin? And if God makes no mistakes, then I am supposed to be born this way aren't I? And as a trans person myself, I can speak for the community when I say that this is not a choice that we are given, if a man loves a woman, it is something instilled within her as a person, part of her identity as a human being, makes him identify himself as a man, who loves a woman. He has no problem identifying himself into that role. Similarly, as a transman, it is not something that I have to train myself into becoming, I never chose to go down this road. It is something within me that makes me identify as a man, despite the body I am given. Honestly, if I were given a choice, wouldn't I choose the road easier to live by?

I am not here to preach, just to seek an understanding, and what I understand as I study articles and passages, I will post up on this blog. I believe that every one stands by their own religion, though some parts of them do overlap and collide. Where these parts converge are where similar beliefs gather and collective religions appear. I could say that I am of the same collective religion as my parents. We believe in the same things to a certain extent, but the standards by which we judge ourselves and control ourselves might differ. There are many perspectives to the story. For example, if a person fully accepts my identity as a transman while their parents do not, could the person be sinning for accepting a me, someone who is supposedly living a sin, or are the parents the one sinning for not loving the people around them regardless of their mistakes. It is controversial I suppose. As for myself, I am a stated Muslim but I would say I'm still searching. I believe there is a greater good above us all, and that is what we are all aiming towards, just in different ways that we believe is THE way to that greater good. So yes, I'm still searching.

So well, guess I sidetracked a lot there. Back to my self intro, things I like to do:
- I love to play the guitar, I'm not that good at it but hey I'm getting there! Just makes me happy to lose myself if the hum of each string as it's being strum, it helps me relax between work, and it's something I can do just about anywhere. So I carry a guitar pick with me just because I'm terrible at strumming without one, then in case I'm out with friends or anything and there's a guitar somewhere around, I can just pick that up.
-I love to travel, taste a bit of culture from different parts of the world. It helps me put puzzle pieces of understanding together with little bits and pieces of experiences. Haven't been around much, only around Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, China and New Zealand. Hoping to hit Dubai next year for my architectural study and Aussie with my cousins. And just because with travel comes beautiful skylines and awesome food.
-I love late night texting and tumblring. Night's when the emotions become clearer I suppose so its easier to put things across to someone and tumblr is just a wonderful platform to put my thoughts into pictures and words. And one more thing about the dark is just that it's like this warm blanket that covers me, I feel safe in it more than I do in any public setting.
-I love working out in a preferably empty gym, it lets me have the equipments easily available to me. At the moment, the gym closest to my house is under construction for a month so that's annoying me quite a bit. Favourite workouts for me would be the back, shoulder and chest workouts but I try to keep everything under check.
-I love trying out new places to eat, different places set a different ambience and to me it kind of affects the feel when I eat something there. Plus there's this sudden influx of underground cafes here so why not try them all? Its surprising sometimes, I've never quite found as wonderful a snack as crispy spider legs!

Okay what I like about architecture. Actually when I first started out with it, I had no clue where I was going with this, but over time some kind of passion has developed I suppose. To me now, the study of architecture is not just about building houses, its about building dreams. A house is merely a building of cement and reinforced concrete, but a home is something someone can connect to, its something you would want to wake up to every day, its a place you would be more than comfortable to be alone in, a place you would want to share your life in. It is a life partner, and it is up to the architect to nurture barren land into this soulmate that you know your client will love. And it brings me some enjoyment to work with what the client likes and dislikes, what his affinities are and what are little subtle things he might want in his home, its like I'm on this huge quest, and its tough, yet satisfying.

And that is a very very long self intro I must say but there's still many things I haven't covered. So, we'll move on from here. This blog will be to record my journey as a transman , and will hopefully be kept alive most of the time.