This Christmas is proving to be much more lonely than I expected the last time I thought about it. Which wasn't such a long time back. I had a good time today, out with some old friends whom I haven't met in a long time. Over a year actually, since the last time we went out. Had an early morning up to pass my ex's present over to her friend to pass to her. The morning was spent rollerblading in the rain, which felt amazing, its been such a long time since I last rollerbladed and the rain made it feel even more wonderful. Knowing the weather here, a little rain does wonders to keep us cool and happy for a change instead of the usual hot, sunny weather. We skated much further than we usually did, and didn't even fall at the part we always used to because of the curve of the road, and we didn't notice it much because we were having a great time catching up on life with each other. A little later on, we met up with another friend for lunch and went out for awhile, we bought stuff needed for the gathering on Thursday, and played at the playground and arcade as well. I think we're really awesome at the thing at the playground where it keeps spinning when you're on it, up to the point that we couldn't even stop the damn thing and it spun like some shit until we toppled out and lay on the ground like fish out of water.
So yes, I did have a good time. That didn't stop the feeling of loneliness from creeping up today. Maybe I'm just comparing today to the kind of warmth I felt last year. Its like spending it out in the snow, yaknow? Being outside, you can enjoy the lights and festivities, see what everyone else is doing, but that's just it. You can never be a part of that, you can never feel the warmth of sitting next to fire in the comfort of a home. You feel like a traveler with no real destination. And I know its okay to feel that way as you're finding your place, but seeing my ex with someone else she loves, seeing her with all the new people she's with, it really chills me to the bone that I'm not part of her life anymore. I'm over her, in a sense whereby I'm quite okay with her being with someone else without going into specifics, but I do miss her being there. I miss her being someone I'm completely comfortable with, I miss being able to talk to her without having to fall asleep in between replies, and I miss her being the person who will actually care whether or not I'm there and put an effort into picking up her phone just to check. At least she's happy and I'm good with her being happy, I don't hate her for it or anything.
Days, please get better.
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