Six Degrees of Separation

Six Degrees of Separation - The Script

This song means a lot to me, especially in times such as now.
I never thought I'd be the one to suffer longer after a break up, I always thought the pain was exaggerated, all them things people say about the pain of break ups, the physical and emotional break downs, they're all real after all. Maybe it is because she was my first love, my first girlfriend and she may be more used to handling this as compared to me. I know its wrong of me to link many things down to my trans identity, but I guess this is one of those things that have been severely affected by the terms of my identity. My love was a kind one, never blamed the break up on me, though up till now I still believe it to be so. Had I not been born in this body, perhaps we could have had a better physical intimacy while the relationship lasted, I'm aware she felt as though she could not do much to quench my desires at some points, I could physically please her while she couldn't do much for me, especially when it triggers my dysphoria. Had I been born in a male body, our relationship would have been better accepted by family and friends. We would not have had to break up due to the pressure she was receiving from her family and religion, because we would be 'normal'. At this point, I honestly feel the burden of unfairness pressing down on my back. It doesn't seem right to me that a human being can simply be denied from expressing love to another just because it is deemed inappropriate due to the physical state of the body. What does this physicality do? Does my body inject poison into the other person and kill them? Does it render the other person completely under the control of myself, where I will convince the person to sin and declare evil over the world? No, this body does nothing, furthermore, in this state it makes the relationship rely purely on emotions rather than the physical pleasures one may seek to experience.  In simple words, I completely loved her for anything other than the temptation of physical intimacy. Isn't that what true love is about? i don't see why it is wrong of me to love another person, , since when did love become something so evil that I have to be looked down upon and shunned for expressing? I simply do not understand why one must be denied giving another simple happiness just because of our earthly physical structure. How can loving someone make me an evil person? At this point, I am far ready to apologise for any things I may have said that may have been misinterpreted or sound as if I wanted anything other than her simple love. But she told be the other day that my apology would not be accepted readily, someone tell me who's the one who's stopping me from making things right now? Sure I may have been in the wrong then, but I want to make things right again, if you do not consent to that then I must say I'm not the one partaking in any bad deeds anymore.

And lastly, if I had not been born into this body, I would have had much, much less insecurity issues when it comes to the relationship we shared. I would have felt I was at equal standing with other men and not lacking in any other ways, I would have felt much more fair and satisfied when it came to any terms of judgement, and I would have been more confident into giving her every single bit of happiness she ever wanted. She would not have had to face the weekly late nights of dysphoria that could send me from laughter to tears in seconds. I would not have had the constant fear that she was being misjudged or mistreated because of me, and I would have felt more able to defend her should anything happen.

Back to my first line, I never knew I would be the one to suffer more from a break up. Its a constant turmoil of emotions now while she seems to be moving on just fine with her life and that itself is killing me inside. I know its not fair to keep her here, so I'm not telling her directly that I hate her for moving on so fast and leaving me behind. I hate her for being alright with me not being there while I still face tearful nights every now and then. And I hate her for destroying my future, my dreams, my hope and every ounce of love I gave her with every step she took to leave.