If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask - Mayday Parade
Accompanied a friend to get a tattoo done today, was a costly 200 bucks which I paid for first, but I think she's pretty satisfied and happy with it though apparently it hurts like a bitch. She got hers done on the ribs and says "Better to burn out than to fade away" from Kurt Cobain's suicide note. If I ever wrote a note before suicide, I hope I'd write some inspirational, quotable lines in it as well, and maybe kids in the future can read it up, and refer to it as an inspiration in their lives in future. I mean, take Kurt Cobain's for one. Better to burn out than to fade away. It makes sense doesn't it? Why disappear off into the dust when you can go off with a bang, leave an impression, leave a footprint on the hearts of people who know you? To me, that's indeed a great philosophy to live by life. Some other quotes that have impacted me in a little way are:
"I am the designer of my own catastrophy."
"To define is to limit."
And others along those lines. Something about being limitless. Something about creating a life entirely for yourself, even if it is frowned down upon by others. Something about creating an impression. Something I learnt from my last relationship is that yes, its true, I'm not simple. I'm some sort of walking disaster. But you know, fuck it, simple is boring anyways. Some people like it that way, and some people are just not meant to be, and I'm already born into this whole jumble of chaos so why not make the most of it while I can? I could be the kid with the weirdest habits of rubbing toes with my pet cat while singing out of tune at the top of my lungs to Mayday Parade, I could even be the loner who's always the first to ask his friends out because everyone else has someone else to be with, but at the end of the day, I could be the "desperate kid" or "the kid who goes the extra mile". Either way, its an impression that people, like it or not, have wasted a couple seconds of their life reflecting on. The thing about us people, is that we never really notice the impact people leave on us until they're gone. And usually, when that happens, they're gone for good and there's no way for us to get them back to apologise, to tell them we love them, or any other important things we wished we could have said. Sometimes, when the person is really gone, we take a step back and think, why couldn't we have spent more time together, maybe fixed those stupid arguments we had, or have a good laugh over dinner, or anything, anything at all.
After I thought about this, I realise that I've taken many people for granted. My parents, my cats, my primary school friends, some secondary school friends too, those that I haven't kept in contact with after moving on to a new school and having new friends. I don't want to be the person who regrets not having spent more time with them just because of a stupid phase that I'm going through in life. Lets face it, life is unpredictable, what is there one day may not be there the next. You may very well wake up one day and your best friend whom you haven't talked to in a year has committed suicide, your brother might be in a coma, your favourite deskmate from 7 years back may have been in a flight accident. I know this is a very bleak way to look at things, but the most fulfilling journey starts when the light goes out. For now, I'm trying more consciously to put aside days to spend fully with my family, not because they say so, but because I want to. I'm spending minutes, sometimes hours, in the day, lying with my cats, stroking their fur, talking to them like a madman just because I can. I'm keeping in touch with some friends that I haven't spoken to in months and years, and making plans with them to catch up some time. Its a wonderful feeling, and exciting to meet someone again after you think they're out of your life. Wake up call. Most of these people are actually still in your life, and are willing to be, its just whether you pay attention to the background details as much as the fore.
Similarly, between my ex and I, she obviously has the lead in moving on; that, I admit, I have never been good at. I'm left with two choices: On one hand, I can pack up my bags and leave right now, I'll hurt for a while but never have to see her again, she'll miss me a little and then move on with her life; On the other hand, I could stay and slowly get used to the pain of seeing her with someone else until it slowly doesn't affect me anymore, and on the bright side, we both won't miss each other. Admittedly, I still care about her. Though I don't agree with many of the things she has done or is doing right now with her life, I believe those are her decisions to make, and whether it works out or not, those are her mistakes to make as well. Standing by that belief, I can only hope that she doesn't get hurt again, because truthfully it would break my heart again to see someone I care for get hurt. I'm stepping on the line of leaving right now, because I don't want to hurt or see her hurting anymore. I don't want to see her again because I know when that happens, the only thing I'll feel is pain. But at the same time, I don't want to regret. My life is a balance on chances and I do believe that anything can happen. I don't want to regret leaving because I might have been the one to be there for her or save her life. Because honestly, I do care. I know we both said that we wished we hadn't met/hadn't been anything more than friends, but lets face it, if things didn't happen that way, things would be very different from where we are now, maybe you wouldn't even know him, maybe I would be crying over somebody else.
If I wrote a suicide note, I'd try my best to write words for everyone who ever made an impact on me. My dad, my mom, Papaya, Bread, Black, the cat downstairs who never fails to meow at me every morning, my neighbour who always gave me sweets as a child, my classmates over 11 years, some of my friends of over 13 years, everyone I've ever loved and lost, be it those I admire, I've loved, my ex, my teachers, those I loved and hated, those friends who left, all those people who've made me who I am today. One day, I hope to create an impression.
No comments:
Post a Comment