Post Christmas

I'm slowly starting to feel alive again. Starting to care about people once more. And this time, I'm mainly caring about two. One who's currently sick right now, and one who is suicidal. I'm actually very worried for my friend who's suicidal, she's self harmed before and I know she might do it again if provoked. I know it'll help her relieve some pain but I don't think she deserves to fall into that pit again no matter what she's done. She's not opening up to me or anyone, and I worry that she might do something ridiculous. She's already drinking every week and I think her alcohol dependency might increase because of whatever is happening. She feels that she doesn't deserve anyone's trust, or anyone to care at her at all, and that's the same feelings I felt when I was at my low too, but I don't think anyone deserves to be alone on this right?

The other friend I've been pretty close to her since I broke up with my ex, and she's been there for me since. I somehow feel I might start developing feelings for her, but only cause she's seen me through the break up and has been there for me so I really don't think it's worth it. It's more of liking someone because you hang out with them a lot and they helped you back up on your feet and made you happy again, not that spark. So that's a no for me. And one last thing to mention before going to sleep, I kept thinking of my ex today, and my mind kept wandering back especially to the times when we were fooling around in secondary school. Zoomed in to the part where we were sneaking around the choir room and found a little window leading to the roof, and during netball carnival when I kept seeing her around even as I was playing and sprayed her with an isotonic drink later on, and during options period when we lost track of time watching Tangled in the theatre, pillows and all. At first I thought I was missing my ex. But now I realise it's more of me missing the person she used to be, the more simple girl who loved to sing and dance, who loved and valued her friends, all her friends, who didn't really seem to need a relationship as long as she was happy with what she had, who was really a nice person to be with.

I felt guilty that I might have affected her in a way that changed her so much. But if she asked me to date her now, I wouldn't. I prefer the girl with the worn out shoes and spectacles than this gorgeous girl now.