Don't Believe

Today, I finally got myself some vitamins, supplements, or however you'd wish to put it. On the bright side, these are likely to increase T in my body naturally, even if just a little, but on the bad side, I already ran out of protein powder. About the protein powder, it took much faster than I expected to finish the tub. The lady at GNC said something about 27 servings, but after I was done, I realised I had only gotten about 10 servings out of it. Time to buy a new tub soon; I realised that it tastes much much better with chocolate milk than when mixed with plain cold water, maybe because the plain water makes the malt taste more apparent while the chocolate milk masks it a little. Surprisingly, with the chocolate milk, it tastes less sweet as well, which makes it much easier to drink during workouts, when the last thing I want is a sugary aftertaste in my mouth. About the vitamins, I got myself Garlic capsules at 500mg per capsule (2 caps per serving), Zinc + Magnesium capsules, and Korean Ginseng capsules. All of these I heard have had some sort of impact on other transmen, even if the results are not as obvious as those on T (I don't have that liberty, unfortunately). They're supposedly effective in heightening natural T levels together with weight lifting workouts, and improving stamina and energy in the person as well, which helps you achieve a more effective workout. Some other things I'm looking into getting are Tongkat Ali (thankfully it's really easy to get a hold of this in Asian countries), tribulus, creatine, and T enhancer/E suppressant. All these target testosterone boosting much more actively, or so I've heard, and block out E at the same time. To be honest, I can't wait to get results but at the same time nervous as to how people around me might react. Moreover, I don't wanna overdose myself on supplements just yet because my body may not be able to handle the sudden influx of bullshit coming its way and may just, who knows, shut down or something if my liver can't take it.

I'm looking to buy a compression shirt as well, mostly to wear to exercise at the gym or something because the material is so comfortable and cooling, but maybe also to wear as an under-layer if I'm feeling particularly dysphoric. The one I'm looking at right now is a sports compression running shirt from Adidas, there's several designs to it and they're all pretty rad so I like them. I don't think it will work as great as an actual binder, but this will do for now, it's a tiny little step. And if it doesn't, a chopper and a sedative will always work. I also bought a new shirt today, a sweet denim shirt, short sleeved, which really looks awesome for some reason, never thought denim and short sleeves would go well together. I really hope to bulk up more though, that way I can fit better into a standard men's S rather than just muscle fit/slim cut ones. Sucks to be born in such a small frame, really. I measured my weight today again after 1-2 weeks on just protein (no added supplements) and workout, and I see a nicely added weight of 2.4kg so far, that is SWEET. Still off of my target of 60 kilos, but I'm getting there. My target should be to hit 62 kilos by mid next year, and 65 kilos by end of next year. Now I'm almost 58.5 kilos so I'm quite happy with my progress.

Turns out my parents are serious on getting me a mat for my room so I won't mess up the floor with my weights. At first I thought they were talking about standard gym mats or yoga mats. Boy was I ever wrong. Nope, what THEY have in mind are jigsaw pieces alphabet rubber mats like those for kindergarten classes. Yup, it's quite good I guess cos it absorbs the shock better and I don't have to keep on gently placing the weights down or cringe whenever a metal piece drops on the ground. They haven't bought one yet, but that's coming into my room pretty soon. I took a look at some pull up bars today as well, it's about 23.50-26.00 bucks for a soft grip double bracket metal bar that can be fixed between the door frame so I'm hoping to get one soon enough. My only concern is that my head will knock into the ceiling whenever I pull myself up, but that's pretty minor so all's good there.

On a side note, I had a really nice conversation with my ex this morning, she's always much nicer to talk to when she's alone, more patient with me and more..familiar. She says she scares herself, and that really got to me for a while. It almost seemed like a the ice was cracking..like the trapped girl was trying to escape...almost. She scares herself because of how fast she moves on, she scares me because of what she becomes when she gets all she's wanted for a long time. Her parents seem more lenient now, letting her stay out over 11 with her friends compared to a strict 'call straight after school', 'call when you reach ___' routine that I was really familiar with, she's got a guy, a group of friends, quite good results without studying that much, full commitment to street dance, goes out more, she's pretty much getting what she wanted for a long while. And for some reason, this scares me. The strictest parents create the most rebellious child. She had really strict parents and rules. I'm afraid she'll go all-out wild. She won't..right? I don't know, I don't know. And stupid me just can't stop worrying. I wish all conversations I have with her are like this morning's. Full of innocent fun and appreciation. (Call me an evil sinner one more time, I dare you.)

You Had A Problem With The Truth

If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask - Mayday Parade

Accompanied a friend to get a tattoo done today, was a costly 200 bucks which I paid for first, but I think she's pretty satisfied and happy with it though apparently it hurts like a bitch. She got hers done on the ribs and says "Better to burn out than to fade away" from Kurt Cobain's suicide note. If I ever wrote a note before suicide, I hope I'd write some inspirational, quotable lines in it as well, and maybe kids in the future can read it up, and refer to it as an inspiration in their lives in future. I mean, take Kurt Cobain's for one. Better to burn out than to fade away. It makes sense doesn't it? Why disappear off into the dust when you can go off with a bang, leave an impression, leave a footprint on the hearts of people who know you? To me, that's indeed a great philosophy to live by life. Some other quotes that have impacted me in a little way are:
"I am the designer of my own catastrophy."
"To define is to limit."
And others along those lines. Something about being limitless. Something about creating a life entirely for yourself, even if it is frowned down upon by others. Something about creating an impression. Something I learnt from my last relationship is that yes, its true, I'm not simple. I'm some sort of walking disaster. But you know, fuck it, simple is boring anyways. Some people like it that way, and some people are just not meant to be, and I'm already born into this whole jumble of chaos so why not make the most of it while I can? I could be the kid with the weirdest habits of rubbing toes with my pet cat while singing out of tune at the top of my lungs to Mayday Parade, I could even be the loner who's always the first to ask his friends out because everyone else has someone else to be with, but at the end of the day, I could be the "desperate kid" or "the kid who goes the extra mile". Either way, its an impression that people, like it or not, have wasted a couple seconds of their life reflecting on. The thing about us people, is that we never really notice the impact people leave on us until they're gone. And usually, when that happens, they're gone for good and there's no way for us to get them back to apologise, to tell them we love them, or any other important things we wished we could have said. Sometimes, when the person is really gone, we take a step back and think, why couldn't we have spent more time together, maybe fixed those stupid arguments we had, or have a good laugh over dinner, or anything, anything at all.

After I thought about this, I realise that I've taken many people for granted. My parents, my cats, my primary school friends, some secondary school friends too, those that I haven't kept in contact with after moving on to a new school and having new friends. I don't want to be the person who regrets not having spent more time with them just because of a stupid phase that I'm going through in life. Lets face it, life is unpredictable, what is there one day may not be there the next. You may very well wake up one day and your best friend whom you haven't talked to in a year has committed suicide, your brother might be in a coma, your favourite deskmate from 7 years back may have been in a  flight accident. I know this is a very bleak way to look at things, but the most fulfilling journey starts when the light goes out. For now, I'm trying more consciously to put aside days to spend fully with my family, not because they say so, but because I want to. I'm spending minutes, sometimes hours, in the day, lying with my cats, stroking their fur, talking to them like a madman just because I can. I'm keeping in touch with some friends that I haven't spoken to in months and years, and making plans with them to catch up some time. Its a wonderful feeling, and exciting to meet someone again after you think they're out of your life. Wake up call. Most of these people are actually still in your life, and are willing to be, its just whether you pay attention to the background details as much as the fore.

Similarly, between my ex and I, she obviously has the lead in moving on; that, I admit, I have never been good at. I'm left with two choices: On one hand, I can pack up my bags and leave right now, I'll hurt for a while but never have to see her again, she'll miss me a little and then move on with her life; On the other hand, I could stay and slowly get used to the pain of seeing her with someone else until it slowly doesn't affect me anymore, and on the bright side, we both won't miss each other. Admittedly, I still care about her. Though I don't agree with many of the things she has done or is doing right now with her life, I believe those are her decisions to make, and whether it works out or not, those are her mistakes to make as well. Standing by that belief, I can only hope that she doesn't get hurt again, because truthfully it would break my heart again to see someone I care for get hurt. I'm stepping on the line of leaving right now, because I don't want to hurt or see her hurting anymore. I don't want to see her again because I know when that happens, the only thing I'll feel is pain. But at the same time, I don't want to regret. My life is a balance on chances and I do believe that anything can happen. I don't want to regret leaving because I might have been the one to be there for her or save her life. Because honestly, I do care. I know we both said that we wished we hadn't met/hadn't been anything more than friends, but lets face it, if things didn't happen that way, things would be very different from where we are now, maybe you wouldn't even know him, maybe I would be crying over somebody else.

If I wrote a suicide note, I'd try my best to write words for everyone who ever made an impact on me. My dad, my mom, Papaya, Bread, Black, the cat downstairs who never fails to meow at me every morning, my neighbour who always gave me sweets as a child, my classmates over 11 years, some of my friends of over 13 years, everyone I've ever loved and lost, be it those I admire, I've loved, my ex, my teachers, those I loved and hated, those friends who left, all those people who've made me who I am today. One day, I hope to create an impression.

Irisdescent

Irisdescent - Linkin Park

Today is one of those days I need someone by my side, but of course there's no one there except a bunch of memories I don't want to look at. It doesn't help that my tumblr is messing up so I can't talk to any stranger there either. The dysphoria's really bad tonight. To the future me, if you look back at this blog, realize how much you're suffering now. Please make it all worth it in the end. Your past self is thinking of drinking again, he's crying quietly in his room, and no one knows about how much he's hurting right now. He doesn't even know why its hurting him so bad, it just is. He feels lonely even though so many people are talking to him; they're not the right ones to talk about this, he doesn't want to drag them down into his misery as well. His chest feels heavy and he has to heave heavy breaths in order to feel like he's really breathing. He wonders why this is happening.

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.

Christmas Dinner

Today turned out to be a wonderful day. It's been a while since I've felt so excited to go out and meet my friends, and today especially so because I haven't seen these friends in a long long while. So today marks our wonderful reunion as a batch going out together just like good old times.

But first off, I went to meet a very good friend over in town for lunch. We went to Wild Honey hoping to surprise a friend of ours who was working there, but turns out, she was sick that day and didn't turn up at work. We still knew two girls there though (my friend's colleagues) so it was quite nice to sit there and enjoy the ambience and talk to them when they walked past and made funny faces at us. Had a long needed talk with my friend, sorting things out and seeing where things stand, talking about school, what happened between my ex and I that made us really break off (didn't have time to talk face to face about it before), discussed whether our waitress's name was Algenia or Nigeria or Algeria, talked about the colour of braces my friend (whose birthday i forgot yesterday /:) should get, et cetera et cetera. The dessert lunch itself was pretty good, she had brownie with ice cream while I had apple crumble with ice cream and wild mocha dolce, which is a blend of espresso, chocolate shots, honey and milk and tasted damn rich and good. After we were done, we walked around town for a bit before we both had to leave.

I went down over to Harbourfront then to meet my batchmates and man do I miss seeing them. Most of them still remained the same retarded, camwhore, easily amused people they were before, and I guess that's why I love them so much. And we haven't gotten together in ages (over a year) which makes today even more special. Initially we wanted to catch a movie, but turns out we couldn't get tickets for the 10 of us so we decided to hobo around and take photos before going for dinner. We revisited many of the places that we took photos at 5 years ago and thankfully most of them were still there including the playground and the orange bench and the many colourful figures around the area. After all of us finally arrived, we then walked down the long straight road to Sentosa for dinner. Long story short, we had a long wait till we could get a dinner spot for dinner as most places didn't accept reservations for festive seasons. We settled down at Hardrock Cafe for our long awaited dinner and really had a great time eating lots of food (the chilli crab dip was awesome with nachos) and talking with this bunch of people we already regard as family. We had a round of Truth and Truth, and after being asked, I finally came clear to them about my ex and I as they never knew about her, only suspected things were going on. Surprisingly they said I was so super sweet and they should send their future boyfriends to me for lessons, but there was one idiot who broke the joy when she suddenly asked "so are you sad?" I mean, seriously, it made me think of stuff again, and made me check my phone, which was a bad idea, as I saw that she had wifi where she is right now but we're not keeping touch. I thought it over again and well, maybe it's good we're not talking so often too. Anyway once we were done, we took a load more photos in sentosa, trying to get the nicest lightings and stuff by the sea, and for some reason I felt like some pimp because one girl had her head on my shoulder while I had my arm around another girl. Funny though. Then the whole way back to Harbourfront we were yelling and singing out songs and Christmas carols and taking photos and basically just having a great time.

Today was a day well spent. Need more days like this and I really wanna go out with them again, those idiots never change(:

Post Christmas

I'm slowly starting to feel alive again. Starting to care about people once more. And this time, I'm mainly caring about two. One who's currently sick right now, and one who is suicidal. I'm actually very worried for my friend who's suicidal, she's self harmed before and I know she might do it again if provoked. I know it'll help her relieve some pain but I don't think she deserves to fall into that pit again no matter what she's done. She's not opening up to me or anyone, and I worry that she might do something ridiculous. She's already drinking every week and I think her alcohol dependency might increase because of whatever is happening. She feels that she doesn't deserve anyone's trust, or anyone to care at her at all, and that's the same feelings I felt when I was at my low too, but I don't think anyone deserves to be alone on this right?

The other friend I've been pretty close to her since I broke up with my ex, and she's been there for me since. I somehow feel I might start developing feelings for her, but only cause she's seen me through the break up and has been there for me so I really don't think it's worth it. It's more of liking someone because you hang out with them a lot and they helped you back up on your feet and made you happy again, not that spark. So that's a no for me. And one last thing to mention before going to sleep, I kept thinking of my ex today, and my mind kept wandering back especially to the times when we were fooling around in secondary school. Zoomed in to the part where we were sneaking around the choir room and found a little window leading to the roof, and during netball carnival when I kept seeing her around even as I was playing and sprayed her with an isotonic drink later on, and during options period when we lost track of time watching Tangled in the theatre, pillows and all. At first I thought I was missing my ex. But now I realise it's more of me missing the person she used to be, the more simple girl who loved to sing and dance, who loved and valued her friends, all her friends, who didn't really seem to need a relationship as long as she was happy with what she had, who was really a nice person to be with.

I felt guilty that I might have affected her in a way that changed her so much. But if she asked me to date her now, I wouldn't. I prefer the girl with the worn out shoes and spectacles than this gorgeous girl now.

Christmas 2012

This Christmas is proving to be much more lonely than I expected the last time I thought about it. Which wasn't such a long time back. I had a good time today, out with some old friends whom I haven't met in a long time. Over a year actually, since the last time we went out. Had an early morning up to pass my ex's present over to her friend to pass to her. The morning was spent rollerblading in the rain, which felt amazing, its been such a long time since I last rollerbladed and the rain made it feel even more wonderful. Knowing the weather here, a little rain does wonders to keep us cool and happy for a change instead of the usual hot, sunny weather. We skated much further than we usually did, and didn't even fall at the part we always used to because of the curve of the road, and we didn't notice it much because we were having a great time catching up on life with each other. A little later on, we met up with another friend for lunch and went out for awhile, we bought stuff needed for the gathering on Thursday, and played at the playground and arcade as well. I think we're really awesome at the thing at the playground where it keeps spinning when you're on it, up to the point that we couldn't even stop the damn thing and it spun like some shit until we toppled out and lay on the ground like fish out of water.

So yes, I did have a good time. That didn't stop the feeling of loneliness from creeping up today. Maybe I'm just comparing today to the kind of warmth I felt last year. Its like spending it out in the snow, yaknow? Being outside, you can enjoy the lights and festivities, see what everyone else is doing, but that's just it. You can never be a part of that, you can never feel the warmth of sitting next to fire in the comfort of a home. You feel like a traveler with no real destination. And I know its okay to feel that way as you're finding your place, but seeing my ex with someone else she loves, seeing her with all the new people she's with, it really chills me to the bone that I'm not part of her life anymore. I'm over her, in a sense whereby I'm quite okay with her being with someone else without going into specifics, but I do miss her being there. I miss her being someone I'm completely comfortable with, I miss being able to talk to her without having to fall asleep in between replies, and I miss her being the person who will actually care whether or not I'm there and put an effort into picking up her phone just to check. At least she's happy and I'm good with her being happy, I don't hate her for it or anything.

Days, please get better.

Misery

Misery - Maroon 5

For once the title of this post doesn't really match up to how I'm feeling right now. The weight on my shoulders is lightening, just a little, but enough to call a breakthrough. I'm not just getting over this misery, I'm actually feeling free and happy with this single guy lifestyle. One of the people I know recently had a break up as well, as of now she's travelling around to find her inner peace and carefree nature again. But then again, she's 25, is working as an insurance agent and has a cashload on her. But I think we both have the same goals as of now, to settle ourselves down inside, just that I have to do it within the confines of this country. If I had the cash, I wouldn't even be here to type this right now.

I guess it will take later to come to terms with current issues of my ex, but what will probably come sooner is that total release I'm looking forward to. Strange analogy, but its like a wolf pack. When a stray wolf comes over to take the pack, clearly the current alpha wolf will fight to the death to maintain his position. But if he loses, bitten to the dust and deserted by the pack led by the new wolf, its a new game altogether. Its more likely that he'll leave for good and live for himself rather than stick around and attempt to befriend the pack that left him. Maybe in a good few years, but the thing is, he's more likely to forget their existence first before ever meeting them again.

Funny how I stuck around when I was being treated the worst, and left when things were opening up. And if things start looking up, I guess I'll be gone for good, for both of us. Always thought you were an independent lady, but I guess you do need a guy in your life. Its something I can work without, and I hope I'll stay that way.

Bottom's Up

Your Love Is A Lie - Simple Plan

Yesterday was a damn good time spent out after a depressing night. Went to meet a friend to go to Haji Lane to look for her Christmas present and Christmas shop with her for her grandparents' presents. First time for me going to the shops in Haji Lane because its quite out of the way for me, but turns out the shops there are really good. Many blog shop kind of concepts, with attics and mini bars, and the prices were pretty reasonable as well. I had a generally good time there, though I kept thinking of stuff along the lines of "Oh next time I can bring her here to shop...." then there's a sudden hit of reality, and "....okay guess not", and it didn't help that many of the shops were playing music I used to associate with us, so I got quite quiet at times, but overall it felt much better than if I were to be at home alone definitely. I ran into Lynette and her friend there twice too, so my mood was much better after that. Then we headed over to Vivocity to continue shopping for the stuff, she's looking for a shirt to get me for Christmas too, or maybe a sweater or something. I'll probably be getting her either a sweater, wallet, or if all else fails a camera. Maybe split with some of my friends or something. It was a much noisier and crowded place compared to Haji Lane so I felt much better with all the distraction around, except for when we were in Build-A-Bear for some reason. Afterwards, we had dinner at Earl Swensen's before going to meet my cousin for drinks. My appetite still hasn't improved from the last couple of days, and will go from really starving to a nauseated kind of full within a few minutes of eating so that's pretty bad, hopefully it'll get better soon, I need my calorie intake.

So the three of us met up at CHIJMES and decided to try out Club Lava, under another friend's recommendation that the food there was good. The atmosphere inside was great for me actually, it was noisy, which kind of made it hard to talk to the others (we had to shout and eventually go right up to the other person's ear), it wasn't crowded at all yesterday which was awesome (better service and more space to ourselves), there was a live band with two amazing singers and a bassist who looked like he was on drugs, it was dark and cold, with roaming spotlights so you kind of get the idea. It was the first time my friend met my cousin so it was a little quiet and awkward at first with the two of them using their phones, but after a while you could tell the two of them got along really well and are planning to go out again next week for more drinks. We started off with beers, a flaming waterfall, and then went down to shots. They didn't sell shots there by the dozen, so we had to go round by round. It was my first time doing shots, and I don't regret it at all, it hyped me up much faster than anything. We went mostly for Bailey's based shots because of taste preference but tried the tequila shots too. The thing about the tequila shots we ordered was that it came with a lemon slice that you're supposed to suck before taking the shot. The shot was fine, the lemon, was bloody sour. After a couple more rounds, we went for mocktails to slow ourselves down first because it wasn't that late yet and we didn't want to end up drunk so early. By then, the atmosphere was getting much more hyped with more people streaming in, the music more blaring and so on and everyone just started going crazy then, there was this Indian group behind us who started dancing as if the whole place was a Bollywood set up, hilarious. Everyone started screaming along to the songs, and with the neon lights chasing the mood up, it was really one hell of a time. We ended the night on two more rounds of shots before my friend had to leave because her ride had come to pick her up. The bill came up to over 600 bucks but it was worth it I suppose, it definitely did make me feel much better and I had a great time.

We left the club at about 1am to cab back over to my cousin's. The thing was, I think our cab driver was a pretty pious man, or at least he seemed so, and there we were talking (We realised later on that we were yelling) at each other about some religious issues and how some people just follow without knowing why they are required to do certain things. Well, at least the guy dropped us off safely. And somehow, we decided to get McDonald's. McNuggets, to be specific, 20 pieces. And then we ate one, two, and just sat there laughing at the damn box because there was no way we could even finish 5. Had a couple of conversations, one with my ex, a friend, and Lynette who surprisingly talked to me real long until we went to sleep. Turns out someone isn't as unfriendly as I thought.

Postcards and Protein

Kim - Eminem

Always thought this song had a lot of significance behind it, tonight is one of those nights that I feel a lot of the significance  behind the plotline of this song. But i'm not going to delve into the details of it because:

MY DAY HAS BEEN MADE.
So what happened was that as I was plugging my phone in to charge after reaching home, it suddenly lighted up with a message from a name I haven't seen pop up on my phone for a very long time. My good friend of four years, that I haven't kept in contact much with ever since I went to a different school. And she said something along the lines of "Hey! Did you receive my postcard?? I went on a school trip to Aussie and it was a souvenir but I won't be seeing you this hols so I sent you the postcard instead!" and wow. I'm really touched. The two of us used to have this journal between us where we document things down like the different holidays we go for and events and stuff so  we could both read through it and leave things inside and all, and it was a really good memory book. Well, that doesn't really relate to anything right about now but I really really appreciate that she remembers our friendship even after almost a year of not talking to each other except for an occasion hello when i bump into her sometimes. It just makes me see realize how much she cherishes the friendship and  how things didn't change between us.

Another great thing that's happened is that I've finally bought weights for home use. So far its only 20kg in total which is too light for normal use, but well, its good to begin with. Some things that I'm looking to add on will be more weight plates, mats/bench, a straight/curve bar for barbells, and a pull up bar to install on my door frame so I don't have to go downstairs to the fitness station to use to bar. Another good thing would be stable rails for shrugs and dips too, I'm currently using chairs for this, and trust me, they tip over pretty easily plus they're too low for proper posture. I should probably post up my workout routine here just to keep track of how it goes over time. And additionally, I also finally bought protein powder to aid me along. I'm using GNC's 1850cal weight gainer whey protein to try for the time being. In future I may go for either the 100% or the bulking up one as well, but this is good for the time being. Having tried it, I think the taste it a little too sweet for my liking and after a while, it feels too thick to easily swallow after a workout. Second time drinking it today, I think I'm getting used to it a little and I think the taste will sort itself out after time hopefully. Not a big problem. The price itself is not bad, a tub of the whey protein, a blender, and the weights for about 120 bucks, a great deal, thanks GNC for the awesome promotion. At the moment I'm weighing in at 57.5kg, lets see how that changes over time.

One bittersweet thing that happened today was that my ex showed me a picture of her in her new cheerleader uniform. The thing is, that when I was with her, I'd always talked about how she's always the star cheerleader in her school and how I'll be the loser kid who falls hopelessly in love with her, and I'd think about how she'd look like in a cheerleader uniform, think about how it'd be to go out with her like that and have everyone being jealous of me and all. And well, I was right in a way that she looks absolutely stunning in the cheerleader uniform, though its handed down from a senior of hers, it looks as though its tailor made specially for her fitting. Its just sad how when this day actually comes, I'm not even in any position to call her my cheerleader girl anymore.

Six Degrees of Separation

Six Degrees of Separation - The Script

This song means a lot to me, especially in times such as now.
I never thought I'd be the one to suffer longer after a break up, I always thought the pain was exaggerated, all them things people say about the pain of break ups, the physical and emotional break downs, they're all real after all. Maybe it is because she was my first love, my first girlfriend and she may be more used to handling this as compared to me. I know its wrong of me to link many things down to my trans identity, but I guess this is one of those things that have been severely affected by the terms of my identity. My love was a kind one, never blamed the break up on me, though up till now I still believe it to be so. Had I not been born in this body, perhaps we could have had a better physical intimacy while the relationship lasted, I'm aware she felt as though she could not do much to quench my desires at some points, I could physically please her while she couldn't do much for me, especially when it triggers my dysphoria. Had I been born in a male body, our relationship would have been better accepted by family and friends. We would not have had to break up due to the pressure she was receiving from her family and religion, because we would be 'normal'. At this point, I honestly feel the burden of unfairness pressing down on my back. It doesn't seem right to me that a human being can simply be denied from expressing love to another just because it is deemed inappropriate due to the physical state of the body. What does this physicality do? Does my body inject poison into the other person and kill them? Does it render the other person completely under the control of myself, where I will convince the person to sin and declare evil over the world? No, this body does nothing, furthermore, in this state it makes the relationship rely purely on emotions rather than the physical pleasures one may seek to experience.  In simple words, I completely loved her for anything other than the temptation of physical intimacy. Isn't that what true love is about? i don't see why it is wrong of me to love another person, , since when did love become something so evil that I have to be looked down upon and shunned for expressing? I simply do not understand why one must be denied giving another simple happiness just because of our earthly physical structure. How can loving someone make me an evil person? At this point, I am far ready to apologise for any things I may have said that may have been misinterpreted or sound as if I wanted anything other than her simple love. But she told be the other day that my apology would not be accepted readily, someone tell me who's the one who's stopping me from making things right now? Sure I may have been in the wrong then, but I want to make things right again, if you do not consent to that then I must say I'm not the one partaking in any bad deeds anymore.

And lastly, if I had not been born into this body, I would have had much, much less insecurity issues when it comes to the relationship we shared. I would have felt I was at equal standing with other men and not lacking in any other ways, I would have felt much more fair and satisfied when it came to any terms of judgement, and I would have been more confident into giving her every single bit of happiness she ever wanted. She would not have had to face the weekly late nights of dysphoria that could send me from laughter to tears in seconds. I would not have had the constant fear that she was being misjudged or mistreated because of me, and I would have felt more able to defend her should anything happen.

Back to my first line, I never knew I would be the one to suffer more from a break up. Its a constant turmoil of emotions now while she seems to be moving on just fine with her life and that itself is killing me inside. I know its not fair to keep her here, so I'm not telling her directly that I hate her for moving on so fast and leaving me behind. I hate her for being alright with me not being there while I still face tearful nights every now and then. And I hate her for destroying my future, my dreams, my hope and every ounce of love I gave her with every step she took to leave.

SlutWalk 2012

Today was the annual event of SlutWalk, an awareness event which aims to tell the public not to rape, rather than how not to be raped. It is a program that reaches out to rape victims as a support group, as well as people from different walks of life as they learn more about the aim of this cause. This year, the event was held in Hong Lim Park, near the speaker's corner at Clarke Quay. The event went pretty smoothly with non-stop entertainment and good music, and all the action didn't die down even when it started raining heavily. Instead, some people happily volunteered to 'usher' people from one booth to another or to and from the MRT station. Some of the booths included a free mocktail booth, a t-shirt booth, a muay thai booth an a photo taking booth. Though the event is not widespread due to poor advertising in the local media, the people who did turn up are all hyped up and enthusiastic, and you can tell that they are actually here to support the event, to be informed and not just to look around. I suppose the issue is quite controversial to some extent but the speakers who talked were very convicted and engaging, which supports the crowd very well, making everyone boo the negative response to certain rape target groups. Some of these groups include men, gay men, transsexual women, lesbian women and wives who have been raped. So clearly this event opens up to many from the above said groups who turned up as well.

That's the thing about SlutWalk that makes me enjoy attending it. It brings so many different people from various walks of life together and you can just see this convergence of colours, people who might otherwise be seen as queer by society, gathering together to support a cause. Just standing at one place, I could easily spot a guy with a bright orange mohawk (a real one, not those fake ones that people always pass as a mohawk), a Caucasian lady with bright red hair, leather clad women with full house piercings, queer looking photographers who look like they've probably been bullied their whole lives, people with dreadlocks and sporting hippie pants and colours that society's 'hipsters' can only dream of wearing, and many young queer people just like myself. And no, this isn't some underground wild event where people get drunk and fight and what not. This is a properly staged event open to families and children, where all these people gather not to wreck havoc as people might think, but to support one another and simply have fun. It is a platform for people to speak up as well as to make new friends. I myself have been introduced to quite a number of new people today, Vanessa and some other girls from muay thai, ashlee and her friend, introduced to us by Victoria, as well as Victoria's girlfriend. It's just a short intro, a firm handshake (I felt so old and formal just about then) and starting up a conversation immediately. I was taught a bit of boxing by Vanessa and we clicked quite well, then had our drinks spiked by Victoria's girlfriend too, with the bottle of whiskey she stashed in her bag. Apparently this muay thai girl (I think her name is Shane) has met me before, surprise surprise! Then afterwards got word of a big party at HomeClub going on tonight, Victoria said she could get us on the guest list to get us in but won't guarantee she won't be drunk hahah, too bad can't make it tonight though.

Now why I chose to write about this here is because I really felt safe and happy at this event. To know there are others like me around, to be in a place where no one looks at you weird, it just gives me this feeling of acceptance by strangers more than I feel from people I know. I feel as though all of us gathered there, at one point in life or another, have been looked at differently, judged and misunderstood just for being what they are. It's like there's this unspoken bond between all of us, an understanding only those who have experienced will understand. And to see so many of these people there, interacting, playing, having fun with friends, loved ones, and strangers, it helps me see what a lively community this is, and that it's okay to be who I am. And honestly speaking, these people are by far the most friendly, fun-loving, carefree, caring and accepting people I've seen. They talk to strangers like old friends no matter how that person is dressed or looks, they are very willing to help you even if you don't know them at all, and they do it sincerely because they enjoy it. To the judging eyes of society, these people gathering around the train station look like trouble makers, rebellious misfits, queer strange youth who have got to be detrimental to society, but once you take the step in, they welcome you like a blood brother and treat you just like family. As someone who has been judged all my life, I finally feel relaxed and at home in this sort of environment, like I don't have to be ready to put up my defences at any point.

The air that hung in that park felt raw, and beyond any masquerade that's so in season right now. It's a reality that lives behind the walls and it taught me to embrace the unique aspects of life. I'm definitely looking forward to any other events of the like.

Self Intro.

Between - Courier

First time writing on this blog, I guess I should do a simple self-introductory here first. Name's Jokim (as of now), a transman and only child to my parents. Currently single as I'll ever be, girlfriend left me couple months ago so, yeap.  17 and studying architecture as of now, hopefully going into architecture in the future and maybe some psychology and theology or studies on religion in the future.

Why you may ask, because there's many many questions I'd ask before following a religion, there's many things I want to know and get clear, because anyone will know there are so many gaps and perspectives yet to be looked into that I believe makes the word 'religion' much different from what most people currently believe in. I believe there's a reason God would state the Ten Commandments in that way, there's a reason certain things are sins and certain things are not, and I believe its best to study and get down to the bottom of things before I follow anything blindly.

I just read an article earlier on, about the sin of baseball. Simple old baseball. Okay but before that, what would be considered a sin in the first place? Something bad. And why is it bad, it might be destructive to ourselves as people, it might bring us further from God through such destructive mindsets. It might be something that harms others, beating someone up maybe, because as a person I am forbidden from doing so, because doing that puts me in a selfish position that disregards another person's rights, and such a selfish mindset might separate me from God. So back to baseball, is playing baseball a sin? I wouldn't say so, I mean in all fun and games, its just about enjoying yourself. But suppose I play baseball all the time, such that my friendship and family ties are strained, and in other words, I put baseball above anything else. Similarly, this puts me in a selfish position, which once again might nurture me into a mindset that separates me from God. So is playing baseball a sin? No, but perhaps you might have to get your priorities straight.

Now why do I choose to delve into this, its simply because for me, a transman, every day is a fight. I am constantly seen as a mistake, a wrong, some kind of sinful error in all walks of life and religion. I lost someone I love dearly to religion, and it puts a strain on my relationship with my parents. I really want to put an end to it, not through conformation, but through thorough understanding. If being a transman is a sin, I want to know why. If God made me this way and I tried to conform to society's standards of 'normal' would that not be running from my identity, how I was made, and wouldn't that then be a sin? And if God makes no mistakes, then I am supposed to be born this way aren't I? And as a trans person myself, I can speak for the community when I say that this is not a choice that we are given, if a man loves a woman, it is something instilled within her as a person, part of her identity as a human being, makes him identify himself as a man, who loves a woman. He has no problem identifying himself into that role. Similarly, as a transman, it is not something that I have to train myself into becoming, I never chose to go down this road. It is something within me that makes me identify as a man, despite the body I am given. Honestly, if I were given a choice, wouldn't I choose the road easier to live by?

I am not here to preach, just to seek an understanding, and what I understand as I study articles and passages, I will post up on this blog. I believe that every one stands by their own religion, though some parts of them do overlap and collide. Where these parts converge are where similar beliefs gather and collective religions appear. I could say that I am of the same collective religion as my parents. We believe in the same things to a certain extent, but the standards by which we judge ourselves and control ourselves might differ. There are many perspectives to the story. For example, if a person fully accepts my identity as a transman while their parents do not, could the person be sinning for accepting a me, someone who is supposedly living a sin, or are the parents the one sinning for not loving the people around them regardless of their mistakes. It is controversial I suppose. As for myself, I am a stated Muslim but I would say I'm still searching. I believe there is a greater good above us all, and that is what we are all aiming towards, just in different ways that we believe is THE way to that greater good. So yes, I'm still searching.

So well, guess I sidetracked a lot there. Back to my self intro, things I like to do:
- I love to play the guitar, I'm not that good at it but hey I'm getting there! Just makes me happy to lose myself if the hum of each string as it's being strum, it helps me relax between work, and it's something I can do just about anywhere. So I carry a guitar pick with me just because I'm terrible at strumming without one, then in case I'm out with friends or anything and there's a guitar somewhere around, I can just pick that up.
-I love to travel, taste a bit of culture from different parts of the world. It helps me put puzzle pieces of understanding together with little bits and pieces of experiences. Haven't been around much, only around Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, China and New Zealand. Hoping to hit Dubai next year for my architectural study and Aussie with my cousins. And just because with travel comes beautiful skylines and awesome food.
-I love late night texting and tumblring. Night's when the emotions become clearer I suppose so its easier to put things across to someone and tumblr is just a wonderful platform to put my thoughts into pictures and words. And one more thing about the dark is just that it's like this warm blanket that covers me, I feel safe in it more than I do in any public setting.
-I love working out in a preferably empty gym, it lets me have the equipments easily available to me. At the moment, the gym closest to my house is under construction for a month so that's annoying me quite a bit. Favourite workouts for me would be the back, shoulder and chest workouts but I try to keep everything under check.
-I love trying out new places to eat, different places set a different ambience and to me it kind of affects the feel when I eat something there. Plus there's this sudden influx of underground cafes here so why not try them all? Its surprising sometimes, I've never quite found as wonderful a snack as crispy spider legs!

Okay what I like about architecture. Actually when I first started out with it, I had no clue where I was going with this, but over time some kind of passion has developed I suppose. To me now, the study of architecture is not just about building houses, its about building dreams. A house is merely a building of cement and reinforced concrete, but a home is something someone can connect to, its something you would want to wake up to every day, its a place you would be more than comfortable to be alone in, a place you would want to share your life in. It is a life partner, and it is up to the architect to nurture barren land into this soulmate that you know your client will love. And it brings me some enjoyment to work with what the client likes and dislikes, what his affinities are and what are little subtle things he might want in his home, its like I'm on this huge quest, and its tough, yet satisfying.

And that is a very very long self intro I must say but there's still many things I haven't covered. So, we'll move on from here. This blog will be to record my journey as a transman , and will hopefully be kept alive most of the time.