I just figured I'd take this time to access my feelings and thoughts and try to come to terms with them.
I went to NEX earlier today to pick something up with my parents, we walked through the shops I've gotten used to going to, only with different company. It was a strange feeling walking through these same spaces with one foot in the now and the other in a memory of what those places has come to mean to me. It felt a little hollowed out now, the shops seemed a little duller and the place less vibrant, even the little dogs at the pet shop weren't in their cages. Seemed like half the joy I've gotten from this place was going there with someone I really enjoyed spending my time with. I tried thinking of other ways to go around it, but that really seemed to be it. Spending time with someone like her, no matter the place, would just seem brilliant, and the ambiance just tunes up a little lighter somehow. Most times I wonder if she felt the same way too, like how the same old places still remain an adventure to go to when you're with the right people. I wonder if she's gotten past that point, where she's pushed out every memory of me away to move forward.
I notice I've been getting angry more easily lately, I've been sprouting tiny random hairs on my lip and chin and my strength has shot up quite a bit, figured it must be some kind of weird hormonal bust. The stress from work is also adding up, there's no one I can talk to about it besides the other two at my office but one has a 'get used to it' attitude, which makes it kind of pointless to talk in the first place, and the other has been really busy so we don't have much time to talk anyway. So many of the people I'm closest to have started developing this whole "well that's life" attitude lately. Makes it hard to talk to them about anything at all. I wonder if I had had this attitude a long time ago, before I had begun to value my friendships more deeply. I suppose it's just easier to throw circumstances into the giant umbrella of "hardship=life" without being sensitive to the people seeking your empathy. I've learnt that the attitude of just sucking things up does what it's supposed to, it hardens you up. It turns you into a military grade nonchalance, unbeatable by the forces of nature. And that's part of growing up. But I guess many times we forget that we're not boulders or rocks, we're humans and we break, hell, even mountains erode away, geography bitch. And I think we need to recognize these signs of erosion in other human beings, recognize the point at which to empathize and give them what they need to heal. For some it may be validation that what they feel is okay, for others, it's the promise of undying support, and for others still, just understanding and accepting a mistake that's done. I'm still learning, but I have a good guess that to grow will involve a balance of strength, sensitivity, the wisdom of knowing when's when, and the grace to pull it off. These days, it feels hard for me to reach out, those times I need advice or help, because well, if I had needed a "well, that's life", then I could have simply told that to myself. I mean, I couldn't tell someone "well, that's life" to a girl whose grandma just passed away, that's insensitive really. But seems like that's all that's being chucked to me wherever I turn. And then there's the other issue of seeming to bother people. But I guess unacknowledged phonecalls and stark-short replies are a way of telling me people have their own problems to deal with so I might as well keep mine to myself. I suppose now's the time to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything's alright because hey, everyone else is doing that, aren't they?
Recently I apologized to someone I haven't spoken to in about over a year. She and I had done something between us, and while it was a secret to her, the news got out through me. She had trusted that I would keep my mouth shut, yet I didn't. I had taken it in my stride when she had asked me about it, took it really lightly and laughed it off, I never really considered the incident from her point of view. We graduated, she moved out of my neighborhood and we drifted apart and I never gave a second thought about it. Recently though I had worked with someone with the same name as her, and it jolted my mind back to how we left off, friends, but not on such good terms. I dug up her number, and apologized for what I had done, how it had been unfair to her and it was insensitive of me to had taken it lightly. We talked a little after that, and left off, but I'm glad we had gotten that behind us. I'll try to be more careful with how I deal with things.
I think, at the end of the day, I miss my best friend. I'm not depressed, I can see what the world has to offer, but life is more tolerable and enjoyable wih you here. That's what it was like being in love with you, living life in the most brilliant technicolor definitions. That's the notion of caring for someone isn't it? It's not about the make outs and I love yous so much as being there for someone when they need it, trusting your guts to know when they need it, knowing they can trust you whether they're there with you or not. It's about keeping each other alive so we dont have to face life with that "well that's life" attitude, so we don't harden, so that we may for once believe we are capable of love and being loved. But I keep messing things up. I'm too impatient. I still have lots to learn.
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