Weds

As I'm writing this its 11:11 and I wish for her safety. Yesterday she apologized to me for her absence, and it scared me because making amends sounds like goodbye.

Today she's gone. Disappeared without a trace. Who was I to think a happy spell wouldn't lift, honestly I should've known better. It takes time, it always takes time, and till then all you can pray for is the patience to care for it whilst it heals.

It's like tending to a wound. 

On the Way to Site

When I take the time to think about it, I realise how these two states can exist one next to another, coincidal and coinciding. I do get angry, I do get sad and that's okay. I get angry because you shouldn't  treat yourself like that, I feel sad because I felt alone. And that's okay. Because just because I get mad or upset doesn't mean I care about you any less. My temporary emotions don't mean I don't love you.

Sunday Night

What do you do when the person you care about is in a mental lockdown? When their world crumbles and you're too far away to catch them in your arms. What do you do when their better judgement tells them to shut out the world, so you can only grab at the bars on their door as you watch them sinking. What do you do when their pain bleeds into your own, when your every waking moment is misted with fear and heartache for the hurting soul that isn't yours. Do you knock on the door with bruised knuckles, adamant on making sure she knows someone's still there, or does the knocking only aggravate the feeling of being shut inside? What do you do when you call out but there's no response, it's like leaving the light on for a ghost.

I can't answer any of these questions, I really don't know. But rest assured that I understand you might need time to figure this out on your own, or any other reason that I'm unaware of, but I'll be here when you open that door, that way, even if I was there just to walk you out, you'd know you weren't alone all that time.

This is not about me.

She runs. She runs and runs as the walls creep closer towards her. Her calves squeeze excruciatingly but she cannot stop. The walls are never ending, they twist and turn in a colossal labyrinth that wraps around her like chaos. She can feel her heartbeat in her feet now, and her lungs are on the brink of collapse. She heaves massive gasps of air and sputters a little. She is exhausted, so so tired, but she cannot stop, at least not now. She knows not of love or hate or dread or excitement, only knew the exhaustion that never goes away. Her ribs feel white hot now, as if a coil of wire was wrapped around them and heated instantaneously, they burned and throbbed and screamed, and then the pain lulled. Her feet are still in motion, one ahead of the other at all times, but the silent whisper of footsteps is the only thing she feels at home with. There is no more pain, neither was there anger, in fact, all she felt was the grey, bland matter at the back of her throat. She footsteps slow to a halt. The walls are still coming.

Wednesday Night

today had been a good day all in all. Rather fruitful, rather peaceful and not too stressful. Looked like the world was the right way up for once in some time.

I called her up to thank her last night, for all she had done for me. I think she was rather sleepy, but she took the time to hear me out anyways, and I'm grateful. I hope the plans don't fall through and we would be able to meet up on Friday, after all, it'll probably be the last time I see her in a long time once more since she'll be flying back soon after.

If she's reading this, I hope she'll get a good sleep tonight without waking up too much. Only recently realised how truly exhausting that is.

Tuesday Night

ive come to realize that I act a lot without thinking. Or rather, my thinking process lags about an hour or so after my course of action. With that I have many regrets. It's something I need to learn to overcome.

And above all these I guess I've come to appreciate how patient the people around me are in tolerating and forgiving my rash decisions. I've come to appreciate that people deal with stress differently, some keep it to themselves and I now know how tough that must have been. I've come to appreciate the effort that goes behind finding motivational pictures with my favourite animal on them, to send me when I'm down because one might not be confident in their own words. I've come to appreciate the care and understanding that has been shown to me in all my stubborn and demanding ways.

Maybe my time has come and gone, but that person who doesn't think she's enough, who doesn't think her words capture the required meaning of a moment, she gives all that she can, and she tries so so hard, and that is absolutely amazing.

Monday night

last night had been the first night in many that I had a dream. It felt like I hadn't even fallen asleep really. Must have been in that subconscious state for hours.

I dreamt I was at this building, spherical and emerald green with grand central elevators. I was leaving. To somewhere I don't know, but I was preparing to leave. I was making an appointment to see the headmaster of that academy, and I was ushered through a massive libraric space with shelves which grazed the tall ceilings. I was made to sit in line, behind people, other people who were leaving. We were being transferred somewhere. We were leaving. The entire dream was centered around our departure, as one by one people took the elevators and disappeared forever behind the automatic doors. It felt almost clinical, too organized.

When I awoke it was a feeling I had never felt before. It had been extremely lucid, I felt unrested and weary and for some reason, unaware of my surroundings. It felt rather surreal, like I was walking out of one dream into another. In my hazed state, for a while there I thought I had died. That I was walking around in a state of limbo and if I turned around I would see my uninhabited body motionless on my bed. I needed a grasp of reality. I tried to tell someone but I think they must have thought I was mad and let it be. Eventually the buzz of work settled me down I suppose.

Not an experience I would ever want to have again.

Saturday

Sometimes at times you least expect it, it comes knocking at your door. Or, well, you could walk out your door and just walk right into it. Four times. It wasn't awkward in any way. If anything, I felt rather, well, shy. Is that how you feel when you can't stop wanting to look at someone but you can't seem to hold your gaze? She looked as stunning as I last remembered, she looked just like I imagined, and it was hard to pretend I wasn't floored and gaping like a fish, struggling to catch my words. There were a couple of other people there too, friends I haven't met in a while, and the things I said to them were neither witty nor well thought of at all, in the typical fashion that nervousness catches my tongue.

The last time we ran into each other was amidst a bustling arts market over in town. I was actually heading towards to food and drinks market close by but found myself walking towards the arts market instead. I remember thinking out loud that this wasn't something they had set up the last year; and thinking a little quieter that this was a place she would've enjoyed looking through. Funny how fate added up. Even funnier how I even snapped a photograph of the moon earlier that evening, privately thinking that she should be out to look at the moon in all its wispy charm that night, but not daring to drop a text in case I came across as needy. Back to the arts market. I decided to break the silence because, I had to say something to her. She broke a smile. I broke inside. You know the sound of a dry, crisp fallen leaf being crushed underfoot? Yeah, that. It felt gratifying, it felt contagious, and all in all it was a smile that I felt could've changed the world. No kidding. She was right, I do care about her, and I'm not afraid of admitting it.

God I was such a lucky man for the better part of the last two years.

18 night

I keep seeing these posts on tumblr like "if you see something beautiful in someone, speak it" or along those lines. What they fail to mention is that sometimes people would rather you stay far far away from them and keep your mouth shut.

18/8

It's like a switch, flicking on, and off, and on, and off. I guess when you make yourself too available to people your value decreases. But like I've said before and I'll hope to god I'll have the strength for it, i don't need to be valuable if it means I can be counted on and trusted. Quite funny really, here's the kid who's trying more than ever to boulder up that bell curve of being a trustworthy person, the very same kid apparently no one approves of their kids being friends with. Sometimes I feel like one day I might just snap and cut everybody off and go back to my old ways. But that's low isn't it? A low blow to no one but myself.

Anger. The thing about anger is that it's a secondary feeling. They say anger is a product of having felt other strong emotions such as hurt, disappointment, humiliation. I've always been a rather angry person, I felt that in that way I am protected, I'm shielded from what I see as the unfair hand the world has dealt me. Over the past two years it seemed to have gotten better, I felt at peace, or at very least, that I could take life on. I mean, with my whole world right in my arms, who could blame me. But now it's different, it's like the anger is seeping back in drop by drop, sparked by mundane things like constantly being interrupted by your boss, or the office couple sopping with amore in your face every. single. day.

I'd chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of, closing the goddamn door, no? ~

Ok but seriously, it's getting weird for everyone. Geez no wonder nobody likes office romance. On the bright side though, the new guy and girl both seem awfully nice and easy going, so in between that and my deskmate coming back tomorrow, well the world seems a little brighter.

Apart from all of us being completely slandered because we are, in their words, "not as clever or capable" as someone else, there isn't much to complain about life right now. I think my parents have talked things through and are working something out, the recent concert was bloody brilliant and made a bunch of friends, one of whom is a complete camel just like I am, from cross country apparently, and she and I get along great. Yeah okay some of the other people we picked up might have been a little strange.

And yet with my life falling together, you still manage to find away to reside in the back of my mind all the time. I'm not complaining, you've always found a way into the things around me.

6.42 in the evening

I just figured I'd take this time to access my feelings and thoughts and try to come to terms with them.
I went to NEX earlier today to pick something up with my parents, we walked through the shops I've gotten used to going to, only with different company. It was a strange feeling walking through these same spaces with one foot in the now and the other in a memory of what those places has come to mean to me. It felt a little hollowed out now, the shops seemed a little duller and the place less vibrant, even the little dogs at the pet shop weren't in their cages. Seemed like half the joy I've gotten from this place was going there with someone I really enjoyed spending my time with. I tried thinking of other ways to go around it, but that really seemed to be it. Spending time with someone like her, no matter the place, would just seem brilliant, and the ambiance just tunes up a little lighter somehow. Most times I wonder if she felt the same way too, like how the same old places still remain an adventure to go to when you're with the right people. I wonder if she's gotten past that point, where she's pushed out every memory of me away to move forward.

I notice I've been getting angry more easily lately, I've been sprouting tiny random hairs on my lip and chin and my strength has shot up quite a bit, figured it must be some kind of weird hormonal bust. The stress from work is also adding up, there's no one I can talk to about it besides the other two at my office but one has a 'get used to it' attitude, which makes it kind of pointless to talk in the first place, and the other has been really busy so we don't have much time to talk anyway. So many of the people I'm closest to have started developing this whole "well that's life" attitude lately. Makes it hard to talk to them about anything at all. I wonder if I had had this attitude a long time ago, before I had begun to value my friendships more deeply. I suppose it's just easier to throw circumstances into the giant umbrella of "hardship=life" without being sensitive to the people seeking your empathy. I've learnt that the attitude of just sucking things up does what it's supposed to, it hardens you up. It turns you into a  military grade nonchalance, unbeatable by the forces of nature. And that's part of growing up. But I guess many times we forget that we're not boulders or rocks, we're humans and we break, hell, even mountains erode away, geography bitch. And I think we need to recognize these signs of erosion in other human beings, recognize the point at which to empathize and give them what they need to heal. For some it may be validation that what they feel is okay, for others, it's the promise of undying support, and for others still, just understanding and accepting a mistake that's done. I'm still learning, but I have a good guess that to grow will involve a balance of strength, sensitivity, the wisdom of knowing when's when, and the grace to pull it off. These days, it feels hard for me to reach out, those times I need advice or help, because well, if I had needed a "well, that's life", then I could have simply told that to myself. I mean, I couldn't tell someone "well, that's life" to a girl whose grandma just passed away, that's insensitive really. But seems like that's all that's being chucked to me wherever I turn. And then there's the other issue of seeming to bother people. But I guess unacknowledged phonecalls and stark-short replies are a way of telling me people have their own problems to deal with so I might as well keep mine to myself. I suppose now's the time to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything's alright because hey, everyone else is doing that, aren't they?

Recently I apologized to someone I haven't spoken to in about over a year. She and I had done something between us, and while it was a secret to her, the news got out through me. She had trusted that I would keep my mouth shut, yet I didn't. I had taken it in my stride when she had asked me about it, took it really lightly and laughed it off, I never really considered the incident from her point of view. We graduated, she moved out of my neighborhood and we drifted apart and I never gave a second thought about it. Recently though I had worked with someone with the same name as her, and it jolted my mind back to how we left off, friends, but not on such good terms. I dug up her number, and apologized for what I had done, how it had been unfair to her and it was insensitive of me to had taken it lightly. We talked a little after that, and left off, but I'm glad we had gotten that behind us. I'll try to be more careful with how I deal with things.

I think, at the end of the day, I miss my best friend. I'm not depressed, I can see what the world has to offer, but life is more tolerable and enjoyable wih you here. That's what it was like being in love with you, living life in the most brilliant technicolor definitions. That's the notion of caring for someone isn't it? It's not about the make outs and I love yous so much as being there for someone when they need it, trusting your guts to know when they need it, knowing they can trust you whether they're there with you or not. It's about keeping each other alive so we dont have to face life with that "well that's life" attitude, so we don't harden, so that we may for once believe we are capable of love and being loved. But I keep messing things up. I'm too impatient. I still have lots to learn.

Night Time

is it true, I wonder. Or was it just a written piece she admired. Did it hold dead value to her, or did it just appeal to her literary nature? Is she really looking forward to forgetting my name?

I miss my best friend.

On another note, I really do love my batchmates of 9 years. Nonsense never gets old.

16th

its been a while since I last blogged here, guess the need for it sobered up a bit since I talked to her. I guess the truth is I'm frightened. Its like walking down a street at night expecting to be jumped at any moment; I keep feeling that everything I say is too much or too close and next thing I know she's gonna shut me out once more. For a moment there I thought she wanted to talk to me, thought she wanted me there when she felt alone, but I suppose her fears get the most of her once again.

If the world's only gonna see a fox as shifty and untrustworthy, then there's no point trying to be anything else.

I guess I'm not the easiest of people to be close to. Paranoid, anxious and craving company. Except the company I choose are few, those I can let my guards down around. I don't know how to tell her that its okay if she needs someone, it's okay if she needs me, that its okay to delve in things that make her feel alive and safe. Like she once said, we're still young after all.

Am I taboo?

88

Tonight I can't sleep. There's no one around to ask if I'm okay, and no one I can tell. I can't sleep. The truth seems hypocritical sitting amongst the words I've spoken. I can't help thinking everything would be less complicated if we could be truthful with ourselves. I turn that question over around to myself and ask if I could handle the truth to begin with. Facing the truth means coming to terms with the fact that I'm as replaceable as anybody else and that the ones you wake up at 3 in the morning thinking about may not be craving your closeness. Truth is I don't know and truth is this isn't a question I can answer on my own. But for now, I just can't seem to fall asleep.

78

I'm positive that this year might be my loneliest year yet. Most times it feels like everyone has somewhere they belong and fit in except me. I don't trust very easily and it's those vital parts of who I am that will ruin my friendships in one way or another. I guess I'm that person that nobody wants their kid to have anything to do with. I look like I don't conform, I'm not part of the racial majority here, and I'm not the sweetest kid to look at. It feels like utter shit because you know you're not a bad person, you don't make friends to screw people up, yet there's that presumption that you will, people don't trust you, and all your worth goes down the drain.

Expectations. I don't know much more clear I could be. If I love someone I don't usually expect them to love me back. I give because it's a nice thing to do for someone and because that is what I would have liked had I been in their situation. I usually don't expect anything out of it because, well, my immediate presumption is that good things never last with me anyway. I've grown up never to expect good things so as long as I could give, I do because at least then someone else wouldn't have to feel the same way I do sometimes.

How conflicting is it to really love someone yet not being sure of what love is anyway.

Early Friday

it felt like coming home from a long trip away, taking in the old that now seems new that is your home. It felt like something clicked into place where it should and that the air around me is lighter. It felt like coming home.

But still part of me is holding back. Part of me is afraid, somewhat. What if this bout of happiness is short-lived? What if this conversation only happened because you're away from your friends? While I'm happy for this new beginning, I'm still not ready to embrace wholly what this step is, it's like one foot is out the door yet the other is holding back. I don't know what you want, I'm just afraid that one day you'll decide that I'm too close to you and that I should leave you alone again. I want to be able to open up to you again, but only if you let me. 

4th Morning

Wildfire by Marianas Trench. How have I never heard this song before?

3 August

thats my problem isn't it. That I care too much. Care to the point that I'm told to, bugger off or something. Well I'm sorry I was never given that option.

Work has been stressful. Kinda hard to understand the logic behind getting some people to run their own projects and others, to simultaneously run projects and draft for others at the same time, and some expect the same results. No bro. Proud architect of 7 projects and draftsman of 20 here speaking. Task delegation is so poor. Exactly why you have some people able to concentrate and focus entirely on their projects while others, well, pretty much keep going "UGH." and sighing deeply while staring into space and well after a while laugh quietly to themselves at the mishap. Don't know what they're aiming at here, but they've definitely succeeded in making some of us completely lose care and interest about what we're supposed to do. Absolutely ridiculous.

My heart's been feeling unsettled. Feels like there's a rock lodged there or a gear or a notion of something missing, but I try not to let it bother me so.

M:Morning

"I learnt two things that day. One, I was never gonna let anyone see that they got to me." "And..two?" "If the world's only gonna see a fox as shifty, and untrustworthy, there's no point in trying to be anything else."

-Nick Wilde, Zootopia

I've been feeling this way lately. I've been fearful of getting too close to people, I see the way they look at me, even if they're not, I feel their eyes singe into my scalp as though trying to see into any evil intentions I might have. I don't want to hurt anyone. I swear to God I don't. But nobody believes me. And now I'm starting to believe it myself.