Tuesday Morning

I've only noticed now why that trip had meant so much to me, why it felt like the best thing that has ever happened in my life. One, I was able to, for once in my life, be completely myself, far away in a place where nobody knew me, I was able to exist peacefully as who I am. No pretence, no worries, nothing. Two, it was probably the last time that I could give all I had to give to someone I loved and cared about, and God knows how right it felt.

I lost it at the gym last night, lost my temper at myself. Went to the washroom, hit myself in the head, and just kind of sat there, clutching myself. I felt weak, I felt cheated of living truthfully, I felt like there were these heavy chains wrapped around me and everywhere I go they kept cutting in or tripping me and overall kicking me into the dirt. I felt weak. I felt really really weak.