Sunday 31 July 2016
End of the Week
It's been a while. I hope you're okay. I wrote a song today revolving around what I've learnt the past few weeks and what I've come to realise. If you'd like to hear it, I've sent it to your email. Excuse the few missed notes and nasal soundingness, dust from work is really getting to me. But yeah, I see things better now and I'm happy that you and I have both grown. Always be here.
Friday 29 July 2016
Sat Morning
Last night I had a splendid time at Dulux Professional launch, a wine and dine event at the Grand Hyatt. Must say there was too much greens in the dine part for my liking but the wine part made up for it. The door gift I must say was a brilliant idea, a leather clip and card case emblazoned with our respective initials. First thought when I saw it was hey, if I ever hosted an event on a grand scale like this one, a personalized door gift would be the way to people's hearts. I guess it's only fair to say that by the end of the night, I had a fresh red rose pinned to my blazer and the girls had each stolen enough roses from the bases to make bouquets. Apparently they hadnt limited their hands to the roses just on our table as well. Inspiring.
There was so much I had wanted to talk about last night, it all came gushing to me as I lay sort of comfortable in bed. My mind was aromatised by alcohol and it wafted away to you. I called you, in a kind of non committal way, whilst it would have been astounding to talk, I hadnt thought that you would pick up the phone. Why would you, after making a promise to yourself not to, right? I hadn't meant any harm of course, but I suppose I'm no longer perplexed by the lack of answers and have settled for the calm in knowing that you're still alright.
Is it harsh of me to feel like a dirty person when I remind you to drink enough water? Sort of feels like I'm padding greasy hands all over one's newly painted walls after specifically being told not to; in this case, the walls in question would be the ones she's put up around herself from, well, I don't know, me?
The song I had written and previously posted here had been an egoistical attempt at conveying how much you're worth, in a time I felt you were at a low and empty, I had wanted to give meaning behind your name, a lifetime of experiences and the things I loved about you. I should have known better however, what I understand now, that the things I loved about you didn't matter, and your life consists of so much more than a love story with some boy who can't call it quits. It was a brave attempt I must say, one of the best songs I had ever written, but I can't do it justice with my new knowledge that at the end of the day, the best song I could have written about you, a song worthy of your name, would be one with you as the lead writer.
There was so much I had wanted to talk about last night, it all came gushing to me as I lay sort of comfortable in bed. My mind was aromatised by alcohol and it wafted away to you. I called you, in a kind of non committal way, whilst it would have been astounding to talk, I hadnt thought that you would pick up the phone. Why would you, after making a promise to yourself not to, right? I hadn't meant any harm of course, but I suppose I'm no longer perplexed by the lack of answers and have settled for the calm in knowing that you're still alright.
Is it harsh of me to feel like a dirty person when I remind you to drink enough water? Sort of feels like I'm padding greasy hands all over one's newly painted walls after specifically being told not to; in this case, the walls in question would be the ones she's put up around herself from, well, I don't know, me?
The song I had written and previously posted here had been an egoistical attempt at conveying how much you're worth, in a time I felt you were at a low and empty, I had wanted to give meaning behind your name, a lifetime of experiences and the things I loved about you. I should have known better however, what I understand now, that the things I loved about you didn't matter, and your life consists of so much more than a love story with some boy who can't call it quits. It was a brave attempt I must say, one of the best songs I had ever written, but I can't do it justice with my new knowledge that at the end of the day, the best song I could have written about you, a song worthy of your name, would be one with you as the lead writer.
Thursday 28 July 2016
Tired
i might actually be embarassed about posting old song lyrics. So full of myself but oh well it's a start ain't it.
Wednesday 27 July 2016
Thurs
Last night, I had a dream we were all alone
Dressed up to the bone with no where to go
So we walked out to the hill side
We were far away from home
A stone's throw from the constellations above us
Reflected in the starlight in your eyes
Suddenly it just felt right
Pamela I'd fly across the world just to fall down at your feet
But I'd drown even deeper in your eyes just to catch you in the breeze
Pamela, maybe, you light the dark for me
But what's not can never be, between the stars and me
Those hills, were a lonely place, before you gave it a face and a hand to hold
These nights never seemed as bright, above the city lights
There lie the stories untold
Pamela I'd fly across the world just to fall down at your feet
But I'd drown even deeper in your eyes just to catch you in the breeze
Pamela, maybe, you light the dark for me
But what's not can never be, between the stars and me
And so we danced, till the morning light
We're swaying slowly, and I fell in love with the way your cheeks crease when you smile
And your grace with every step you take, and all the sounds you make
How could I live in denial
I'd fly through the moon and stars just to hold you close to me
Every breeze will bring us closer to who we're meant to be
Pamela, maybe, you light the world for me
But what's not can never be
I'd fly across the world just to fall down at your feet
And I'll drown even deeper in your eyes just to catch you in the breeze
Pamela, pamela, I'm in love with who you are
And what's ours will always be, between me and pamela, Pamela
Pamela,- M.Q.
Half the Week Gone
I don't know what you did and I haven't the slightest clue, but it seemed to have been difficult for you to do, and for that bravery I'm so so proud of you. On second thought, did you finally go to the doctor? Is that it? Sigh if only I could, I would hold her and tell her everything's gonna be okay. Because it is, I have faith in that.
Tuesday 26 July 2016
Middle of the Week
i haven't heard from her in a long while. I'm getting worried, wondering if she's safe and okay. I'm listening to Definitely Maybe on the bus to work, sounds like old times yaknow. The ones who need love the most will be the ones to push it away. Wonder if that's true. Sometimes I'm just too scared I suppose, scared to send small reminders to her to drink enough water, to have her meals, small things that she often forgets. I'm scared what I perceive as care is actually harassment. I don't know how to show I care.
How do I put it in words. "I'd bleed my heart out to show, and I won't let go". Not in that I want to chase her, but rather I won't give up on her as a person, as a human being. To be there for her like no one was when I was in that position. I care, I do care.
How do I put it in words. "I'd bleed my heart out to show, and I won't let go". Not in that I want to chase her, but rather I won't give up on her as a person, as a human being. To be there for her like no one was when I was in that position. I care, I do care.
Monday 25 July 2016
Monday Night
It's hard to show when you can't see nor say. It's hard to show someone you care. That someone out there cares for them. That it's okay to accept that care and that it's not a burden to the other. Depression has a way of making us push away the care and love we need because we feel we are undeserving. We feel that we are only pulling another down with us whenever we get the urge to reach out. I want to tell you that it is not a selfish act to accept attention and care, those who truly care will understand your temporary shortcoming and will be there while you get better. Relationships between people are never equal, never fair. There'll be days that I wake up feeling awful and only able to give my 30% but those who care will see no problem in giving me their 70%. Even if you think you've only got 10% to give, I will be the 90% if you allow me to because I know that if I was in the same position you would do the same for me. You are not selfish for wanting and needing attention and care, it only makes you human. And just because you need care doesn't mean you're any less strong or resilient or worthy. You are worth it. Everything.
Sunday 24 July 2016
Sunday Night
11.42p.m. and I stir awake, check the time on my phone, and soberly agree with myself that it's too early
5.33a.m. and my fingers reach for my phone before my eyelids could lift themselves open
5.35a.m. and my eyes strain against the glare, struggling to make out words to make sure you're okay; it's too blurry to read between the lines
6.14a.m. and I figure it's too late to fall asleep now, I've had 7 hours of sleep and the sun is about to come up
6.15a.m. and I fall asleep anyways
8.50a.m. and the hush of voices outside my door rouses me, I look around for my cat
10.17a.m. and there's breakfast on the table; in between mouthfuls I finally do the necessary, read line for line, and listen word for word
2.50p.m. and there's things to do, people to meet and places to be
5.59p.m. and I'm watching empty conversations, guitar on my lap but running out of songs after the second round of "who do you love"
7.10p.m. and I finish working out; I wonder if I should make myself dinner, meals within 30 minutes after a workout are ideal after all
9.14p.m. and I'm still wondering
9.31p.m. and I begin my dinner, old cartoons never really get old
9.43p.m. and I come across a picture of people dancing; I suddenly yearn to slow dance with her just for the fun of it
10.24p.m. and I get the strangest feeling she might talk to me
10.25p.m. and I realise I was mistaken; I decide to get the most of the night and go to bed
11.42p.m. and I stir awake, check the time on my phone, and soberly agree with myself that it's too early
5.33a.m. and my fingers reach for my phone before my eyelids could lift themselves open
5.35a.m. and my eyes strain against the glare, struggling to make out words to make sure you're okay; it's too blurry to read between the lines
6.14a.m. and I figure it's too late to fall asleep now, I've had 7 hours of sleep and the sun is about to come up
6.15a.m. and I fall asleep anyways
8.50a.m. and the hush of voices outside my door rouses me, I look around for my cat
10.17a.m. and there's breakfast on the table; in between mouthfuls I finally do the necessary, read line for line, and listen word for word
2.50p.m. and there's things to do, people to meet and places to be
5.59p.m. and I'm watching empty conversations, guitar on my lap but running out of songs after the second round of "who do you love"
7.10p.m. and I finish working out; I wonder if I should make myself dinner, meals within 30 minutes after a workout are ideal after all
9.14p.m. and I'm still wondering
9.31p.m. and I begin my dinner, old cartoons never really get old
9.43p.m. and I come across a picture of people dancing; I suddenly yearn to slow dance with her just for the fun of it
10.24p.m. and I get the strangest feeling she might talk to me
10.25p.m. and I realise I was mistaken; I decide to get the most of the night and go to bed
11.42p.m. and I stir awake, check the time on my phone, and soberly agree with myself that it's too early
Sunday Afternoon
one of my cats died today. The numbers have gone down from 4 to 2 in just a few months, two lives lost in such a short time. She was a strong one. I might say that she may be the strongest person I know. Blind in one eye from an infection, half paralysed from a fight with a dog, deaf in an ear, suffering from regular seizures from nerve damage, but she never fails to drag herself to the front of the room to greet us whenever we walked past the door. Looked straight into the headlights of an oncoming car as she failed to muster enough strength to cross the street. Thankfully we managed to get the driver's attention and they stopped in time. We brought her up and she gradually completely lost the ability to use her hind legs. She was there with black when he was dying, curled up around him to keep him warm. Strong till the very end. Rest in peace.
Saturday 23 July 2016
Early Sunday
Yesterday I went to Gillman barracks with her, intended to check out what they called an arts and music market. Blatantly disappointing was how I could beat describe it, seemed to be chock full of hipsters too good for this world, drunk at 5pm. So we went for waffles and ice cream instead, it had been a long time since I've had waffles, and well thankfully Cremier never fails to disappoint. Nice place too, little hideout amongst the many art studios there. Art studios have a way of making my mind slip and my chest ache, there's only been one girl who had made even contemporary art feel exciting to me, and sadly well, she wasn't here.
We then decided to walk down to harbourfront, a nice long walk getting to know one another a little better, I found out how her father died and she found out about my mom's and aunts' crazy antics. It was drizzling a little, and after a while it became something I was thankful for, cooled us off till we reached Keppel. I'd never been to Keppel bay, and as it turns out, neither had she, so what the hell, we decided to go that long stretch right out to where the rich kids came to play, watching the yachts lined up there pointing out which could be mine. The condominiums there looked extravagant, something straight out of the mind of Hadid herself. Balconies were spacious and long, and many of them were decked with outdoor furniture to host the occasional twilight dinner. We walked on through the decks into what we eventually figured was the tip of Labrador park, full of joggers and the occasional cyclist, passing us by with a curt ring and whirr. Fancy names in this park, I got curious about Dragon's Teeth Gate, and found that it was a remodel of a red stone William Farquhar had once used to identify, um, I can't really remember. We decided to turn back at this point.
In retrospect, I probably should've washed my hair immediately upon getting back home, having walked in the rain pretty much the whole evening. Its nice to bond with a rather new friend, but I don't know, most times I wish I could catch up just as much with those I haven't spoken to in a long time. Or maybe just that one, I tell myself.
God I miss our conversations.
As harsh as it felt to put her friend out there in my last post, there's some things I struggle to deal with quietly and one of them is insensitivity to my weakness and to those I care about. There's just things an "oops sorry! Didn't mean to be rude" doesn't fix and I've been feeling it's effects till today. In a way I guess I could just say you're naive and young, but I sincerely hope you grow up before you ever say anything of the sort to hurt her, this time, my favourite her.
To the last her, tell me about the social casts. Tell me about your opinions. I want to listen.
We then decided to walk down to harbourfront, a nice long walk getting to know one another a little better, I found out how her father died and she found out about my mom's and aunts' crazy antics. It was drizzling a little, and after a while it became something I was thankful for, cooled us off till we reached Keppel. I'd never been to Keppel bay, and as it turns out, neither had she, so what the hell, we decided to go that long stretch right out to where the rich kids came to play, watching the yachts lined up there pointing out which could be mine. The condominiums there looked extravagant, something straight out of the mind of Hadid herself. Balconies were spacious and long, and many of them were decked with outdoor furniture to host the occasional twilight dinner. We walked on through the decks into what we eventually figured was the tip of Labrador park, full of joggers and the occasional cyclist, passing us by with a curt ring and whirr. Fancy names in this park, I got curious about Dragon's Teeth Gate, and found that it was a remodel of a red stone William Farquhar had once used to identify, um, I can't really remember. We decided to turn back at this point.
In retrospect, I probably should've washed my hair immediately upon getting back home, having walked in the rain pretty much the whole evening. Its nice to bond with a rather new friend, but I don't know, most times I wish I could catch up just as much with those I haven't spoken to in a long time. Or maybe just that one, I tell myself.
God I miss our conversations.
As harsh as it felt to put her friend out there in my last post, there's some things I struggle to deal with quietly and one of them is insensitivity to my weakness and to those I care about. There's just things an "oops sorry! Didn't mean to be rude" doesn't fix and I've been feeling it's effects till today. In a way I guess I could just say you're naive and young, but I sincerely hope you grow up before you ever say anything of the sort to hurt her, this time, my favourite her.
To the last her, tell me about the social casts. Tell me about your opinions. I want to listen.
Sat the 23rdk
"but that's not what I came for, my amour
I hate to admit it but I miss the war
Gotta get you under fire quick, brace for it
I'd rather be a riot than indifferent"
-this means war, marianas trench
Damn if this isn't a catchy song, refreshing to see josh so gloriously sassy in the mv too. Life's been slowing down, a good time to catch up and patch up what's been torn and tattered. I notice I've been getting less tolerant of the way people term me and whatnot, it tends to eat at me much more than it has before and I've been more vocal I addressing it as well. Pity, it's surprising how it tends to slip from those I've counted myself close to and I just find myself thinking "oh so that's how you've been seeing me all along?" Just seems like they're lying their way around me just to make me feel better. I've also been asked to remain in a place I felt hostile, because someone wanted to see how i transition. For goodness sake, I counted you as a good friend, you could just make plans with me if you wanted to check on me. Wanting me to be there just so, what, your curiosity is satisfied, what the hell do you think I am? A zoo animal, perhaps? Come on man, how would you feel if I had told you I'm staying on just to watch the drama unfurl when you break up. Insensitive bastard wouldn't I be.
Anyways, my trust in that particular person has been ebbing away steadily, and honestly it's quite sad because we used to be so close. She told my then girlfriend once, that she worried I'd fall for her once my girlfriend and I broke up. I never thought much of it until my friends brought up how it just seemed like she had no respect for my girl at all, her own friend mind you. I covered up for her, said it might have just been the way she said it, they were good friends after all maybe they knew better than to read into things, but now. Well now I think my friends may have been right. If she hadn't meant to say that she thinks I'm using my girl as a makeshift before I move onto her that's fine, but who the hell do you think I am. That girl had meant more to me than well, anything I'd ever known.
Well no use harping about it now but it felt good to get it off my chest.
I hate to admit it but I miss the war
Gotta get you under fire quick, brace for it
I'd rather be a riot than indifferent"
-this means war, marianas trench
Damn if this isn't a catchy song, refreshing to see josh so gloriously sassy in the mv too. Life's been slowing down, a good time to catch up and patch up what's been torn and tattered. I notice I've been getting less tolerant of the way people term me and whatnot, it tends to eat at me much more than it has before and I've been more vocal I addressing it as well. Pity, it's surprising how it tends to slip from those I've counted myself close to and I just find myself thinking "oh so that's how you've been seeing me all along?" Just seems like they're lying their way around me just to make me feel better. I've also been asked to remain in a place I felt hostile, because someone wanted to see how i transition. For goodness sake, I counted you as a good friend, you could just make plans with me if you wanted to check on me. Wanting me to be there just so, what, your curiosity is satisfied, what the hell do you think I am? A zoo animal, perhaps? Come on man, how would you feel if I had told you I'm staying on just to watch the drama unfurl when you break up. Insensitive bastard wouldn't I be.
Anyways, my trust in that particular person has been ebbing away steadily, and honestly it's quite sad because we used to be so close. She told my then girlfriend once, that she worried I'd fall for her once my girlfriend and I broke up. I never thought much of it until my friends brought up how it just seemed like she had no respect for my girl at all, her own friend mind you. I covered up for her, said it might have just been the way she said it, they were good friends after all maybe they knew better than to read into things, but now. Well now I think my friends may have been right. If she hadn't meant to say that she thinks I'm using my girl as a makeshift before I move onto her that's fine, but who the hell do you think I am. That girl had meant more to me than well, anything I'd ever known.
Well no use harping about it now but it felt good to get it off my chest.
Thursday 21 July 2016
Friday Morning
I'd like nothing more than to hold her and talk with her every night. To actually do something to ease her when her mind is down or chaotic or lonely. When a dark ride crashes over I know how it feels to feel so completely alone. I know how it feels not wanting to bother anyone with your 'excessive' emotion or even lack thereof. I know how it feels to just sit idly waiting for each day to pass. I know she's an independent girl, but the darkest shadows tend to come out when its dark, and it helps being reminded you're not alone. if she wants to fight this war alone though there's nothing I can do. I don't doubt she can win this, she's a strong girl, but even strong girls need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on sometimes right? Things that make us human. I would have loved to be just that; sitting on the sidelines watching her like this, well vague ideas of it rather, I don't know, I feel so helpless. Well no honestly I just feel like I'm an invisible being watching over her but she never knows I'm there yaknow? I don't exist in her world, and while I can watch, my being just goes through her and I can't do much more. I'd be lying if I said she was just a friend. I doubt anyone I've ever loved is just a friend anyway, there's just something about people you've completely trusted with your life that never goes away. The romance simmers down, but I guess you're always gonna love them.
Wednesday 20 July 2016
Wednesday Night
i'm beginning to dissociate with names. No big surprise here really, after what was said about my birth name by the psych, I've come to step away from it almost completely. It's become rather foreign, I forget to respond to it at times and it just doesn't roll of my tongue anymore. Feels like I'm pretending to go by that name above anything else. And seeing as to how nobody calls me by my actual name at all, I haven't been able to use myself to the name being spoken by someone else. I feel rather nameless now, seeing as to how either version of my name is either dead to myself or doesn't exist to other people. Floating around like a nameless blob. Not too bad, but not too good either.
Tuesday 19 July 2016
Wednesday
There's a book warehouse sale coming up. Just thought you'd wanna know.
http://www.moneydigest.sg/sg-book-deals-books-warehouse-sale-fill-many-books-want-50-5-14-aug-16/
Edit. Speaking of books, I was reading this review of a book called Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowells. Some other book about two kids who meet in a bus and day by day became strangers to friends, to lovers and sources of each other's support and happiness from their home lives. Well this isn't so much about the book but the review itself. It said "you will fall in love with Park's words and extraordinarily relate to Eleanor's sense of insecurity". Something inside me twinged a bit.
"I want everyone to meet you. You're my favourite person of all time". Relatable.
-Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell
http://www.moneydigest.sg/sg-book-deals-books-warehouse-sale-fill-many-books-want-50-5-14-aug-16/
Edit. Speaking of books, I was reading this review of a book called Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowells. Some other book about two kids who meet in a bus and day by day became strangers to friends, to lovers and sources of each other's support and happiness from their home lives. Well this isn't so much about the book but the review itself. It said "you will fall in love with Park's words and extraordinarily relate to Eleanor's sense of insecurity". Something inside me twinged a bit.
"I want everyone to meet you. You're my favourite person of all time". Relatable.
-Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell
Tuesday Night
look out tonight, look up at the moon.
For days on end it hides in darkness, oh but look how it shines tonight.
For days on end it hides in darkness, oh but look how it shines tonight.
Monday 18 July 2016
Tuesday Morning
I've only noticed now why that trip had meant so much to me, why it felt like the best thing that has ever happened in my life. One, I was able to, for once in my life, be completely myself, far away in a place where nobody knew me, I was able to exist peacefully as who I am. No pretence, no worries, nothing. Two, it was probably the last time that I could give all I had to give to someone I loved and cared about, and God knows how right it felt.
I lost it at the gym last night, lost my temper at myself. Went to the washroom, hit myself in the head, and just kind of sat there, clutching myself. I felt weak, I felt cheated of living truthfully, I felt like there were these heavy chains wrapped around me and everywhere I go they kept cutting in or tripping me and overall kicking me into the dirt. I felt weak. I felt really really weak.
Sunday 17 July 2016
18/7/16
There's so much inside me with nowhere to go. I'm so alone.
I know you're not ready. I know I have it within me to wait till you are, to just be here if you need me. But the monster inside veers out and tells me you don't. I'm left wondering what you've been wondering all along, who am I to you? Someone to turn to or just another drunken dial.
I know you're not ready. I know I have it within me to wait till you are, to just be here if you need me. But the monster inside veers out and tells me you don't. I'm left wondering what you've been wondering all along, who am I to you? Someone to turn to or just another drunken dial.
Saturday 16 July 2016
The Morning After
i once read a quora response to the question "how does it feel like to see/talk to your ex after not having done so for some time?" The guy who responded said it felt like returning to your childhood home, where things have changed a little here and there, but you look around and you see pieces of your memories fall together in unexpected places. It feels both bittersweet and warm, it feels like finding an old phone and seeing all your old messages still there.
Last night, I came back home. Only for two hours, but it felt like home nonetheless.
Edit. How do you tell someone you miss them without telling them.
Last night, I came back home. Only for two hours, but it felt like home nonetheless.
Edit. How do you tell someone you miss them without telling them.
Friday 15 July 2016
Saturday Morning
"
The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that.
"
-rocky balboa
Sometimes we all forget we're living on the stage of life, that everyone out there wears this mask of "everything's alright" as we go out there and live day to night. We forget we're not the only ones who go home after a whole day and question what we're doing with life. It's hard to remember that at one point in life or most of it, we don't really know if what we're doing is keeping us on what we conceive is the righteous path. It's okay though. It's okay not to know. It would be ignorant of me to see the world as black and white when there's more colours out there than we could ever bring ourselves to name. If everything you do is gonna be wrong in someone's eyes already, might as well go down doing something you will thank yourself for, right?
Thursday 14 July 2016
So Erase
Lemonade, razors, floating away. Life turning bitter, life hurting, life disappearing, is that what it is? I'm not too good with reading into lyrics but well, my guess is as good as the next guy's.
Honey, paper and rope. First few things I thought of when I heard those lines. Creating sweet moments, finding an outlet for the frustration, and holding on for dear life. Days like these never come easy, it's hard to see where you're going when the light is so dim. Sometimes it feels better to just stop searching for the way out. But you can't. You really really can't. This is your fight and you're gonna give it everything you have.
Otters hold each other's paws as they sleep so they won't float away.
The Storey Left Untold - Every Avenue
Honey, paper and rope. First few things I thought of when I heard those lines. Creating sweet moments, finding an outlet for the frustration, and holding on for dear life. Days like these never come easy, it's hard to see where you're going when the light is so dim. Sometimes it feels better to just stop searching for the way out. But you can't. You really really can't. This is your fight and you're gonna give it everything you have.
Otters hold each other's paws as they sleep so they won't float away.
The Storey Left Untold - Every Avenue
Wednesday 13 July 2016
12/7/16
ive been listening to Every Avenue's "Only Place I Call Home" on repeat; every time I listen to it there's a nagging tug in my stomach like I'm stepping into a memory.
Tuesday 12 July 2016
Quarter Past Six
dont know why i'm laying awake here at 6 in the morning but I'm not tired and the time gives me room to think. There's so much I want to say to her. It's fair to say I miss her too.
I still wonder what she would have said if I had picked up the phone at 4.28 in the morning.
I still wonder what she would have said if I had picked up the phone at 4.28 in the morning.
Half Past Moon
normally I would feel ashamed of myself for missing the gym and leaving work incomplete to attend a last minute buffet slot with a friend and her mom, but today I'm rather thankful for that rash, well, on my terms it would be spontaneity.
It has only recently come to my attention that my daily rind and grind would somehow lean a little towards bizarre. When I think of my mind, I think of hundreds of folders and slots, arranged in order of time on one axis and degree of urgency/importance on another. The activities for the day are filed into those slots, and on a good day, the entire shelf for that particular day would be full, but with buffer gaps. When an event crops up within the same slot as another, factors will start churning up, two fact charts next to one another. "Can either one be postponed" "Do these opportunies come often" "special event or daily schedule", and the specs of whichever outweighs the other will slide into that slot. When there is say, a two-hour slot for meeting a friend, for example, and there is a last minute cancellation, stressed is an understatement to describe my mental scrambling to fill up that slot with another purposeful event (purposeful: achieves something which improves a situation/ betters myself/ helps someone else), the failure of doing so will be an immediate deduction in my time management for that day. Waiting for something is wasteful, sitting idly is wasteful, anything which doesn't involve a fluctuation of energy is wasteful in my mind's eye towards myself. As efficient as it may be, I practically lose my shit whenever my brain folders get messed up.
Back to today, the bottomless glass of wine is like a hypnotizing charm on the folders in my mind, they arrange themselves and fold neatly and tirelessly, it frees up some space for me, even more space to cram even more into my schedule. Recently I've begun to stir at around 6.20am, and seeing as to how I wouldn't be able to get functional sleep between then and 7.04am, I've decided to make use of the time as a pre-day warm up, to rouse me up for the day. Nothing like a light workout and a meditation session to start me off hopefully. Nights shall be reserved for preparing for the following day, one slot of rest, and working on my trimonthly report, and transportation times shall be reserved for studying italian and resting. I've written all these down for easy access throughout the day so there's no time and energy wastage to recall them.
My feet are being problematic. The left side is infected and looks like reptile skin; the right ankle is slightly sprained or something I'm not too sure but it hurts to walk. You know. I think she needs the tickets more than I do. If it will make her so truly happy. And for that it's worth it. Her happiness is always worth it.
Monday 11 July 2016
Late at Night
In time to come you will realize that life is fleeting like dandelions on a windy day. Days will pass and weeks will be swallowed whole, and nothing would have changed but you. And in the same way, two lovers can become strangers once more. There truly is beauty in new beginnings, even if it's with something you've known all your life.
Sunday 10 July 2016
11/7/16
It seems you're spiraling. Veering off course and teetering away from the flight path. I wish I could throw a net to catch you but my hands are bound, my lips are sealed. I hold onto the hope that these embers will cut the ties around my wrists, and God know how much my help can do but I will try nonetheless.
I have been healing, I'm better. I guess you're just that small achy bruise on my chest that never truly goes away.
Edit. This morning feels so surreal. Dark skies at 8 in the morning, heavy rainpour all around this tiny bus, a child and her mom conversing in the background , feels pretty nice. Ever had those moments you feel so deeply about that you would love to share with someone? For quite a few moments there you forget that they're gone.
I have been healing, I'm better. I guess you're just that small achy bruise on my chest that never truly goes away.
Edit. This morning feels so surreal. Dark skies at 8 in the morning, heavy rainpour all around this tiny bus, a child and her mom conversing in the background , feels pretty nice. Ever had those moments you feel so deeply about that you would love to share with someone? For quite a few moments there you forget that they're gone.
11/7/16
It seems you're spiraling. Veering off course and teetering away from the flight path. I wish I could throw a net to catch you but my hands are bound, my lips are sealed. I hold onto the hope that these embers will cut the ties around my wrists, and God know how much my help can do but I will try nonetheless.
I have been healing, I'm better. I guess you're just that small achy bruise on my chest that never truly goes away.
Edit. This morning feels so surreal. Dark skies at 8 in the morning, heavy rainpour all around this tiny bus, a child and her mom conversing in the background , feels pretty nice. Ever had those moments you feel so deeply about that you would love to share with someone? For quite a few moments there you forget that they're gone.
I have been healing, I'm better. I guess you're just that small achy bruise on my chest that never truly goes away.
Edit. This morning feels so surreal. Dark skies at 8 in the morning, heavy rainpour all around this tiny bus, a child and her mom conversing in the background , feels pretty nice. Ever had those moments you feel so deeply about that you would love to share with someone? For quite a few moments there you forget that they're gone.
Tenth July
times like those I wished I kept my ringtone on or that I woke up in 2 hour intervals. Drunken typing leads to honesty I suppose, and I also suppose I wasn't prepared for what I read. It's okay to call, it's okay to need someone, and my door is always open when you've got nowhere else to go. I won't hurt you, I won't break you anymore.
Friday 8 July 2016
I believe it's the 9th?
The moon is stunning tonight. Slim and crooked and stunning.
The boy lives in the shadow of the dark side of the moon. He points a flashlight in its direction but it's light falls upon only velvet blues. He searches. He sits under singing willows as the sun dips and writes out to her, folding each piece into neat paper airplanes released to the night breeze. The wind carries them far and wide across the misty lakes and lands them gently back at his feet. He wonders where she's gone. Perhaps he hasn't heard of an eclipse.
For now he throws pebbles into the dark till the stars lead him home.
The boy lives in the shadow of the dark side of the moon. He points a flashlight in its direction but it's light falls upon only velvet blues. He searches. He sits under singing willows as the sun dips and writes out to her, folding each piece into neat paper airplanes released to the night breeze. The wind carries them far and wide across the misty lakes and lands them gently back at his feet. He wonders where she's gone. Perhaps he hasn't heard of an eclipse.
For now he throws pebbles into the dark till the stars lead him home.
Wednesday 6 July 2016
7/7/2016
Days like today I feel so emotionally drained after hours under the heavy load of pretence. The idea of sitting quietly in the dark is warm and inviting as my sanity leans tantalizingly close to the edge. We rode along at the back of a van today; my cousin and I agreed that four to five in a van like this one makes for a pretty amazing getaway to the soft rhythms of early a.m. blues. Covers of old school boybands perhaps. Soon it will be time for big steps into unknown territory and the odds are stacked rather treacherously against me. Nervous? Yes. Excited? Hell definitely.
Sunday 3 July 2016
03/07/2016
I'm missing her terribly once more.
At times of the day I find my thoughts straying out to two degree mornings and loose clothes beneath shared blankets. I think of dimples and warmth and figuring things out, of hands and scrapbooks and bringing out the best in both of us. I miss us. You were the girl I never expected to fall in love with yet somehow you brought out the best I never knew I had in me. I miss talking to you, I miss seeing your face, and I miss us hanging out. I hope somewhere out there, you're happy where you are.
At times of the day I find my thoughts straying out to two degree mornings and loose clothes beneath shared blankets. I think of dimples and warmth and figuring things out, of hands and scrapbooks and bringing out the best in both of us. I miss us. You were the girl I never expected to fall in love with yet somehow you brought out the best I never knew I had in me. I miss talking to you, I miss seeing your face, and I miss us hanging out. I hope somewhere out there, you're happy where you are.
Friday 1 July 2016
1/7/2016
i hope the gift has found her happy and well. I hope she loves it and enjoys using it as much as I had enjoyed picking it out for her. At this point I'm a little worried it got lost in the mail.
Went to a playpoint product launch today - free flow prosecco, vodka, and wagyu sliders are always a good invitation. Met a girl who had a landscape architecture diploma. Years later and here she was doing interior design. Same field of work, opposite sides of the coin. Personally I'm hoping to delve into the field of sustainable design or disaster relief design during the course of my career. Currently doing an in-depth research on net-zero buildings and high efficiency HMAC equipment and systems put in place to achieve net-zero energy consumption; hopefully I'll complete it by the end of the year to add to the list of side projects I'm currently working on. This net-zero research is part and parcel of the pre-design analysis for the sustainable modern office in a tropical setting that I'm working on, which in an ideal case scenario would be a grid-independent building with passively reduced energy consumption rates and great yields of renewable energy, of which excess can be stored within a local energy grid to be tapped on during peak consumption periods.
Just to play it out a little, the modern office needs to be flexible yet highly accessible, people are constantly on the go yet require a central system for them to be connected to their colleagues. It has to be dynamic, meaning movable partitions to turn office cubicles into conference rooms within minutes. It has to promote social interaction, meaning social bases for ideas to be displayed and communal spaces with 24/7 access to burn the midnight oil. It has to have an ideal physical environment, meaning great ventilation, lush greenery and natural daylighting throughout the large part of the working day. And lastly it has to reach out, creating customs and cultural norms within the office which can bring about great positive impacts upon the environment.
I read that grid-independent buildings don't work too good, because the building footprint is often too small to be able to harness sufficient renewable energy to power the building throughout the day. Was thinking of a localized grid system though, meaning a larger building footprint formed by a cluster of blocks powering a local grid system serving that particular block. A localised grid means less energy is lost through transmitting the energy over a shorter distance and a central power bank can be put into place to serve the needs of higher demand buildings through the collective energy harnessed. However, the problem still remains that because the cluster is within the same area, times of high grid demand will be similar (bad weather, evenings and mornings), resulting in a heavy strain on the grid during those peaks.
We also talked about the harnessing of kinetic energy. Various buildings have introduced lifts which serve alternate floors, meaning people would have to walk up/down should they need to reach floors not accessed by lifts. By providing ramps every two floors retrofitted with kinetic/static-energy harnessing technology (carpets etc), a considerable amount of energy could be harnessed to power the building.
Ideally, a central system should be installed to monitor the energy usage of individual spaces within the building at any given time. With this, we can pinpoint the individual equipment demands and adjust accordingly based on on-the-ground needs of the occupants. For example, in a typical 9-5 office setting, lighting and air-con are amongst the highest energy consumers within a building. Regulations may be enforced based on the needs of the occupants, such that perhaps, access to upper office floors are only permitted between 9-5 (unless booked beforehand) but two common hot-desking floors remain open for use; this herds remaining occupants of the building past a certain time into one location, so energy consumptions for all other floors can be greatly reduced.
Gonna work more on this tomorrow. Net-zero is a tough one.
Edit.
I want to be the person who writes about your hopes and dreams alongside my own, so when either one of us feels lost, alone, or meaningless, I could turn the pages to show you how far you've come, and you'll see that line by line, I'll always be by your side.
Went to a playpoint product launch today - free flow prosecco, vodka, and wagyu sliders are always a good invitation. Met a girl who had a landscape architecture diploma. Years later and here she was doing interior design. Same field of work, opposite sides of the coin. Personally I'm hoping to delve into the field of sustainable design or disaster relief design during the course of my career. Currently doing an in-depth research on net-zero buildings and high efficiency HMAC equipment and systems put in place to achieve net-zero energy consumption; hopefully I'll complete it by the end of the year to add to the list of side projects I'm currently working on. This net-zero research is part and parcel of the pre-design analysis for the sustainable modern office in a tropical setting that I'm working on, which in an ideal case scenario would be a grid-independent building with passively reduced energy consumption rates and great yields of renewable energy, of which excess can be stored within a local energy grid to be tapped on during peak consumption periods.
Just to play it out a little, the modern office needs to be flexible yet highly accessible, people are constantly on the go yet require a central system for them to be connected to their colleagues. It has to be dynamic, meaning movable partitions to turn office cubicles into conference rooms within minutes. It has to promote social interaction, meaning social bases for ideas to be displayed and communal spaces with 24/7 access to burn the midnight oil. It has to have an ideal physical environment, meaning great ventilation, lush greenery and natural daylighting throughout the large part of the working day. And lastly it has to reach out, creating customs and cultural norms within the office which can bring about great positive impacts upon the environment.
I read that grid-independent buildings don't work too good, because the building footprint is often too small to be able to harness sufficient renewable energy to power the building throughout the day. Was thinking of a localized grid system though, meaning a larger building footprint formed by a cluster of blocks powering a local grid system serving that particular block. A localised grid means less energy is lost through transmitting the energy over a shorter distance and a central power bank can be put into place to serve the needs of higher demand buildings through the collective energy harnessed. However, the problem still remains that because the cluster is within the same area, times of high grid demand will be similar (bad weather, evenings and mornings), resulting in a heavy strain on the grid during those peaks.
We also talked about the harnessing of kinetic energy. Various buildings have introduced lifts which serve alternate floors, meaning people would have to walk up/down should they need to reach floors not accessed by lifts. By providing ramps every two floors retrofitted with kinetic/static-energy harnessing technology (carpets etc), a considerable amount of energy could be harnessed to power the building.
Ideally, a central system should be installed to monitor the energy usage of individual spaces within the building at any given time. With this, we can pinpoint the individual equipment demands and adjust accordingly based on on-the-ground needs of the occupants. For example, in a typical 9-5 office setting, lighting and air-con are amongst the highest energy consumers within a building. Regulations may be enforced based on the needs of the occupants, such that perhaps, access to upper office floors are only permitted between 9-5 (unless booked beforehand) but two common hot-desking floors remain open for use; this herds remaining occupants of the building past a certain time into one location, so energy consumptions for all other floors can be greatly reduced.
Gonna work more on this tomorrow. Net-zero is a tough one.
Edit.
I want to be the person who writes about your hopes and dreams alongside my own, so when either one of us feels lost, alone, or meaningless, I could turn the pages to show you how far you've come, and you'll see that line by line, I'll always be by your side.
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