31.12

Every year I spend the new year's on the floor of my room and this year will not be different. Thankfully there will be no crying this year because I am simply too tired running on 2 hours of sleep and I haven't been feeling well as I haven't been eating regularly the past few days.

Sometimes I think that parents are ignorant of hor their upbringing affects the development of their child. Though done out of goodwill, at times protectiveness isn't enough to keep your child safe from themselves. Through my childhood years, I've always packed food from home because it's 'better'. As a result, I never got the experience of buying food from the school stalls as a kid, and when I went into secondary school, I wouldn't eat until I'm out of school be it at 3pm or 7pm. As a result, I've grown up to be afraid and very anxious when it comes to ordering my own food. Now you know.

As a child, I was always encouraged to stay quiet because 'quiet kids are good kids' and so I never let myself participate in any activities even though I wanted to. It didn't help that I felt different, in a way, so I never felt like I could fit in with any clique per se. My parents never believed in so called western traditions, and so on to add on to the protectiveness, I was never allowed to go for a sleepover, even some camps, after school was for straight home and to study, and I never went to much parties. I can't say much has changed. Growing up this way, at a certain point I did start to believe that all this was right in every way and so I pretty much clung onto my mom's side for as long as I could remember because 'friends aren't important and will always leave when they don't need you but family will always be there'. As a result, forging friendships for me was always rather difficult. Getting to know someone is fine, but as soon as the friendship starts growing, I feel wrong for wanting the friendship to develop. That's why I tend to keep to myself in social situations, even in class per se, because I've always been taught that people have better things to do than to spend time with me. And unabled to attend these things only make me feel left out of what feels like moments to remember in my short life. Now you know.

At this point, there is no sadness anymore. There is just loneliness and unworthiness and these are my friends for the year.

26.12

well I'm not who I used to be either. I could say the same as you, I'm a different person now. The old me would fall asleep at 11 and tell you all about my dreams the next day. All I do now is cry myself to sleep at odd hours and wake up at 4.30 in the morning from nightmares and shake under the covers and call people who won't answer and cry myself to sleep again. Must be a really lonely existence.

I'm sorry for bothering everyone with my life

24.12 part 2

I now realise that whatever I wrote this morning is complete and utter bullshit about the possibility of her feeling the same way because no one who gives two shits about you would give a two word reply and ignore you for the rest of the day. I'm not even going to call it delayed response anymore, because half of what I said apparently doesn't process anyway. I'm trying, but it would be nice to know I matter to someone too.

Also I probably sprained my back.

The moon doesn't exist if nobody acknowledges its presence. And in a world where the moon doesn't exist, all we know of is a hole in the sky.

24/12

yesterday wasn't all I pictured it to be. To be fair I pictured the first time meeting up to be us sitting in a shopping mall service corridor. But well that didn't happen.

It felt easy to fall in love with someone like her. When talk comes naturally and you feel someone on your level, I guess it tends to be that way. I yearned to be closer to her, to hug her, it all sounds kind of stupid written down but it was a feeling of home I thought I'd forgotten. If this was a John Greene book, he'd probably write something like "I wanted to explore the world, but all the railways and road lines in the world only led me into her arms. Though who could complain if all I had been looking for was a place to rest my heavy lungs, and in her arms was what felt like home." For a few fleeting moments I could even fool myself to think that she loved me back, but of course she didn't say it; I don't blame her, for who would build a home of a canvas tent?

Now that the night's passed it feels like yesterday was almost surreal, like a brush with death where you see heaven's gates blinking in the light from afar and then next thing you know, you snap back to reality where the only lights are the incandescent hues above you on the hospital bed. It felt so natural, it felt so right, but now it all feels so far away. If someone doesn't love you anymore, there's nothing you can do about it isn't there?

Planes

these times I feel weighed down by anxiety when someone I care about is About to go on a lengthy journey on a plane. There's been so much going on in the airways that I find it almost necessary to feel this sort of fear. Of course I can't say it, but I pray for your safety and then you'll have a pleasant journey and that you'll make it home safe and sound.

20.12

the world works in funny ways. You ignore my messages, never pick up my calls, never have the time to skype, go from being nice to me one day and messaging me in your sleep to completely disregarding my existence in the next hour, allow anybody else but me to make plans with you cause somehow your schedule can be arranged to accommodate the many days they want to meet you and not the one day I arranged, and THEN you ask me what makes me think you don't wanna see me. If I'm burdening you with my friendship do let me know. If my friendship means something to you then do let me know as well because I'm not a mind reader and I can't read through your layers of apathy. And if there's something I did wrong then let me know too so I can understand why I suddenly don't exist to you.

You should know that you were absolutely wrong when you said that actions only affect us and nobody else. Cause this is proof right here that your actions affect the people around you. Sure this may be my caring too much but it sure is better than ignoring the people who care for you, love you, and miss you everyday. If we ask about you it means we care, it doesn't mean we're trying to put a lid on you or something. I don't know, maybe you could just tell us 'hey, I think I need some time alone for today', I'm sure that's easier to comprehend than blue ticks and cold shoulders. In moments of clarity, that's when you talk to the people around you about what's going on and don't let them think that they're not needed in your life.

I'm not angry at you, I'm really not and I know what depression can be like so I understand when you just want to shut the world out. we tend to think that we can handle all this on our own but sometimes it's really better to talk it out even if you don't feel like it. Thinking alone with ourselves and our demons can only lead to overthinking and that really isn't the best way to feel right now. I'll be here if you need a friend, till then, I hope you haven't forgotten my name.

19.12

i guess you can really tell how much you matter to someone from how much effort they take to remember you and I suppose from this I can tell that I don't matter that much after all.

Life has been bad, it's really grey and cloudy and I haven't been feeling well. I haven't eaten properly in a few days and I haven't gone to the gym in 5 days, so things really could be better.

At this point I feel like you hate me. And I'm scared of you.

Only Fools

I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on the hill and children's names
I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray
But everything is shattering and it's my mistake

Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall
Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall

Only this time I'm the fool for believing that anyone could've loved me for long enough. I laugh at bread that goes bad in a week, wonder if they laugh at humans with an expiry date.

Thirty Eleven

One day I will be the guy that a girl could bring home to her parents
One day I will be the guy who can express how much he loves the beach
One day I will be the guy who finally isn't shortchanged in results in comparison to effort
One day I will be the guy who isn't too afraid to fit in
One day I will be the guy who doesn't laugh at his own thoughts of getting married
One day I will be the guy who isn't too guilty to ask someone to stay
One day I will be the guy who is worth the struggle
One day I will be the guy who can see himself grow old
One day I will be the guy who's glad that he made it past crying every night
One day I will be the guy who's finally able to explore his ambitions beyond fixing himself
One day I will be the guy who's parents can finally be proud of him
One day I will be the guy who is a long term option, loveable, marryable
One day I will be the guy who is happy to learn to use a razor
One day I will be the guy doesnt need to prove himself anymore
One day I will be the guy who's glad he chose to fight

Today might not be that day, but one day it might.

Happily Never After

at this point I think I'm done with love.  I read once somewhere that said love isn't a feeling, but a choice. It isn't the stardust filled fairytale we all grew up to believe but days of tireless effort to make things work. And I guess I'm just not someone worth trying for, worth fighting for, worth waiting for. I never knew the certainty of the future, living on the brink of life and death each day has taught me that I may not be around tomorrow to see my fears come true. And living in darkness during most of my waking moments only taught me that when I find happiness, I must fight for it with all that I have. But what happens if it's happiness who chose to go? For me it's more about validation than romance. The chance to truly be myself around someone only once in a long long time. But now I know when the next chance comes not to take it for fear of putting all those I care about it pain. I can only fight for happiness that chooses to be fought for. But now I've come to realise that I'm just not meant to have happiness, at least not in this way; holding happiness in my arms is simply too much to ask for. I wouldn't call myself unlovable, but maybe just too difficult a battle. Loving me means you have to put on your armour and ride out into war, and really who am I kidding, who the hell wants to go to war? The happiness that love brings is only an illusion, and I'm done with life playing me for a fool. So the next time love comes knocking at my door, I'm bringing out the locks.

25.11

is it too much to ask for to have a little conversation for this one hour a morning. Or maybe this is the time you're busiest, I don't know. But it kinda sucks to have a one sentence reply throughout this long bus ride and after that I can't talk to you anymore. Feels..unfulfilling. I can't keep giving you my love with no notion of where it ends up, it's like I'm standing at the edge of the sand throwing salt into the sea. Whatever happened to looking forward to talking over Skype or telling me about your day, now I'm just another call in the schedule, another number to text.

30 What

At this point in time I'm ready to say screw 30, I don't even know if I can make it past 22. 

3, 2, 1. Bang bang.

Sunday Night Thoughts

These few days have been rough. I feel the sandpaper hands of dysphoria wearing down my resolve. The class gathering is a no-go. After all, there really isn't much more to it than being an overglorified boys club reunion from which I feel left out. I can already imagine the exact scenarios that will take place, the topics of conversation, the lengthy lapses of awkward silence between conversations, and so far none of it seems too inviting. After all, my clearest memories from the classroom are shaming myself for biting my tongue instead of, well, honestly punching someone in the throat. I don't have good memories of the class, it all seems painfully forced, everybody pecking at everybody's weakest spots in hopes to fit in with what you brush off as a cheap joke. There's nothing to be lost with my absence. 

These days everybody seems to be caught up in their problems. Must be the big changes we're going through, the beginning of nine-to-fives, university, new schools and new countries, new people, there's too much to get caught up in. The people I do talk to, are mostly happy time talkers, the people I discuss things with, fill my time with, distract myself with. The people, person, perhaps, I can talk to about my problems is far too busy to even approach any conceivable topic apart from current life affairs, and honestly I'm quite lost at the lack of concern from that side. I just don't feel enough right now, the feeling of lacking is very overwhelming. But every day I brush it off to save as another story for another time, until it slowly develops into a constant dull pain at the back of your head that you can't fathom or pinpoint where it's from. It's a mixture of unwantedness and taken for granted, neglect and lacking, the secondhand feeling of a convenient friend. Combine that with a war against your ugly body every day and it's a surprise I haven't ripped my flesh apart. 

Anyhow it's been a while since I've written and I suppose it feels sort of relieving to pen down my thoughts. It's a little messy now but I bet when my thoughts are more concise and organized then these little notes will be clearer. Goodnight.

8.48am

I will never quite understand why you seem so cold and angry at me. For all your queries I have given you answers but for all my queries I have received none. It's all very confusing to me. Perhaps you're too tired by the end of the day to think about these issues, or maybe it's just that hard to come to a conclusion. I guess the most overwhelming feeling now is not of jealousy or hurt, but rather of longing and confusion because simply put, I would never know what's going on without asking a coupla times. I feel sort of left out of the loop, like a quick glance at my texts would suffice with a short, vague, half-thought-of answer to one small thing I said. Do you really want me in your life like you say you do? Cause right now I seem like more of a hassle. Please don't treat me like a fairweather friend, I'm in this for the long haul, for the better and for worse, I'm in this for you.

2.07

Now might be a tad too late to bring this up, but I hope you really consider what I'm about to say. 

I know you're already about to start school, and I know that you're already really far away, but something I'm just as sure of is that archi is not the best choice for you. Not even close to the best. In fact, it's more of something you have to do because someone tells you to. I've seen people who've had quite a bit of interest in archi falter and decide it's not for them 3 months into working. I've seen people who are stuck doing archi because they happen to have a flair for it even though they don't enjoy it. I know you, quite well I think. I know that you don't enjoy archi, I know that criticism is not something you take very well when it comes to archi and let's face it, criticism is an integral core of this profession. I also know that you can't excel at something you have no interest in, the slightest knock will make you feel like giving up. 

Three years is as struggling through a harder version of a course that you don't like for the same time it took for you to get a diploma. And five years is almost double that time. Honestly, after all that time and hardship, do you really see yourself as a full time architect? I really wish I could have talked to you about this months ago, but only now have I really sat down to think about it. Archi is not for everyone just like how not everyone can draw or dance well. During my one year of employment, I'm really gonna sit down and think about other courses, I'm looking at event management, environmental science maybe, because we're still young, we still have time to pursue something that is actually bearable to spend the rest of your life doing.

5 years is a long time and a lot of money to be spending doing something that won't benefit you in the end. In that 5 years, you can get a diploma or a degree for something new that you enjoy more. Pamela wee, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not an architect, you're not an egoistic person who conforms to rules that curb your creativity. You can always try a sem there to see if it's really for you, but if it's not, really don't be afraid to change course before it's too late. Really from the bottom of my heart, I urge you to reconsider.

To you.

http://soulmate-71.weebly.com/signs-of-a-soulmate-and-twin-flame.html

10.56

I'm a little twitchy from coffee now and Anni and I were talking about things just now so I'm just gonna write down some stuff here. It's really rare to find someone that you don't feel you have to consistently impress, that you can be yourself with, whom your friends can get along with, who can make you calm down just by hearing their voice or seeing their face. It is rare to find someone who's personality is different from, yet compliments yours, but you both still have room to grow, who wants nothing but the best for you, even if what they think is the best means that they're not in the picture. It's hard to find someone who makes you feel that slightly more comfortable with your insecurities and flaws. 

I was telling Anni that maybe even from a religious viewpoint, pamela might have been good for me because she drinks less than I do, and she doesn't take pork. It's still livable with. I was telling Anni about how I don't think that Pamela really isn't happy doing architecture and that she's the sort of person who can't really see any enjoyment doing things she's not passionate about, and it's a pity she's spending 5 years doing that. And so I imagined if I married her, for our tenth anniversary, my gift to her would be her own little bookshop to run for a living.

5.04

I have a dream
I hope it will come true
That you're here with me
And I am here with you

I wish that the earth, sea
And sky up above-a
Will send me somebody
To lava

Okay but really the reason I'm writing this is because while waiting for the bus to Chinatown, my fingers got itchy and I decided to dig through the side pockets of my bag and -holy crap it's sick in there. I found burger wrappers from God knows when, yep sauce and all, granola wrappers, all kinds of tissue, and a half eaten packet of Daim chocolates. My bag is a cemetery of RUBBISH.

10.27

I woke up feeling great. 2 hours now and I feel like I've lost my mind and a piece of my heart. To move on you must kill all hope of being back together. But at this point I feel like I want to be back together even thousands of miles away.

11pm

There's this turmoil inside me that doesn't relent. I tell myself it's over but my surroundings are tainted with remnants of her and the past. All my clothes strewed across my room, I can point out perfectly each one that I wore on our dates out. The white shirt sleeved shirt with red and blue checks that she said I had too many of, I wore that out the night we had Sunday Folks. The blue and white striped polo, I wore that on one of our picnics at marina barrage. The green shirt with tiny yellowish dots, I joked that I wore that all the time. I see the watch she gave me on the shelf next to the watch she used to borrow for herself. I see the dumbbells I used to work out with and then I'd send her a photo of myself sweating like a pig and she'd tell me to be careful. I sleep on the very same sheets and pillows that we made love on. I see the sweater she gave me. And the cat shaped thumbdrive. And the littl eeyores grumps and pancake on my bed. I see the laptop we used to skype on. The blazer that took me forever to choose. Her old project building plans are still in my folder. I see the tear stained shirt I wore on our last date. Sammy, the cat who grew up with her. I miss her so much and I want her back but it's over. It's over. It's over.

9pm

its over. It's over. It's over.
There is no hope in it.
It's over for good.
Writing makes me believe it.
It's over for better or worse.
But it's over.
I might be sad but I'm trying to accept it.
It's over. Its over. Its over.
Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Bound to Get Together~

Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back
She said shut up and dance with me

I've got a good feeling about you, and things are changing. Let the countdown begin.

Fit

I, a boy who fits in with neither gender cirle of friends

I, a boy whose body is decaying from the lack of medicine it needs

I, a boy who never outgrew playing pretend -with his family for the past 20 years

I, a boy who drowns in alcohol to silence his inner demons

I, a boy with no boyhood to recall, and whose childhood is one of confusion

I, a boy who is struggling to grow into an adulthood knowing the exact reason he won't fit in
I, a boy whose identity is not validated
I, a boy who is numb to internalizing his pain for fear of rejection
I, a boy who doesn't believe in relationships
I, a boy who seems unable to find any light at the end of the tunnel
I, a boy who lives every second of his life being reminded of his inadequacies
I, a boy who wants to be a good person, but genuinely doesn't know if that means struggling through his life as he is, or taking things into his own hands to be his true self
I, a boy who wonders if making decisions he believes in is as sinful as the damnation that others condemn him to
I, a boy whose problems are too embarassing and controversial to discuss
I, a boy who is unable to experience life to the fullest
I, a boy who can't be bothered with self-harm because that doesn't change anything 
I, a boy who isn't really living anymore

Edit;
I, a boy who doesn't want to die, but really doesn't mind it right now

Just Saying

Every day and every week
My words still ring so true
I'll never have, in my own words
A 'day to spend with you'

And though you try and though you say
You'll free a day for me
The only words I can reply
Is we'll have to wait and see

Sian

I'm sick and tired of people not making time to meet up. You too busy with your life? Fair, I'm not gonna bother fighting for your time anymore. Next time, you plan and I'll just show face if I'm, you know, not too busy with my life. 

Rant

In all honesty, why do people get so offended when they're served in anything less than glassware?? Maybe I don't read into the language of the high and mighty that much but a milkshake is a milkshake irregardless of glass or plastic freaking cup. Saying this again for the people who don't even bother hiding their look of absolute disgust being served ice cream in a paper cup. Bitch you wanna pay another 3.50 for a takeaway ceramic cup tell you what, next time lets bring a plate from home now shall we?

And to milkshake man, jokes on you man the plastic cup fills quite a bit more than your damn glass.

Why do people take so bloody long to reply. It's like you reply once and chuck your phone across the Pacific Ocean or something, one second you're online and next thing you disappear for a good 15 mins. If it's normal conversation it's okay, what's not okay is going incognito mid-time sensitive issue. God damn it. Ever heard of planning backwards anybody? Who the hell gets anywhere in 15 mins.

Hour Glass

You're an hourglass. You're a wall clock laid on its side with its hands faced up. You're dry pale sand seeping through a minute crevice in a cavern of glass. You're the even spaces between the ticks and the tocks that make my nerves wrench. 

In this instance, I am a void of emotions, empty from sorrow and fear and hopefulness. Each step taken is devoid of caution, utterly careless and purposefully thoughtless, as though death would be a friendly guest to greet at my front door. The only thoughts accounted for are the seconds awaiting for the knock, one, two, three, four.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I am a void of emotions in a bottle, and my glass walls are thick. It won't open nor will it shatter, it brags of bruised knuckles and sleepless nights, heavy eyes and leaden hearts. The walls are impenetrable. They cannot feel the words they hear, those words are powdered into crumbly sand and scattered in the bed on which it lies. 

What are we fighting for? I become a stranger by every turn of the hourglass.

11 May

I thought mothers were supposed to help their children feel validated and support their children's interests and self expression. Projecting yourself onto your child is both unhealthy and detrimental to their self esteem and relationship with you. Your child isn't you. He isn't the savior of the hopes and dreams you never fulfilled as a kid, he isn't sent down to help you fulfill those things you never did, and he definitely isn't an extension of you. Your child is going to be very different from you are, in ways you've perhaps never known before, but it's your job as a parent to clarify, understand, and offer support for their decisions in life. My heart is so heavy as I type this.

You make me wish I had cancer so all my hair would fall off from chemo. See how you'll love me then.

Song for today: Let's Kill Tonight - Panic! At The Disco

Big Ass Car

There's just something bout a young lady in glasses pulling up in front of you in a bigass car. Powerful, classy, flirty. Who knew glasses and a big black car could make a world of a difference, damn.

Sea Salt Caramel

Now we've all heard about my shop selling ice cream in fancy flavours and all, some getting more and more questionable (cheese, really??), but now let's talk about what variations can be done with the same reasonable pricing and cost. 

1. Scoopletz

This one's for the kids, we're talking 60g of ice cream instead of the usual 100, and comes in a cup of 3 with 3 different flavours. You can opt for the Same Ol' (Belgian Chocolate, Vanilla Bean and Strawberry), the Gym Buff (Salty Peanut, Varlhona Chocolate and Fresh Coconut), the Oldies Goldies (Fresh Coconut, Avocado, and Gula Melaka Red Bean) or simply opt to Create-Your-Scoopletz with no additional charge. And let's face it, this one's more for the greedy adult in all of us.

2. Scoopletz with Waffle Fingers

Now THIS one's for the youngins. We're looking at churro style dip-and-crunch kinda manifesto. Except instead of dipping into sauce, you're dipping into ice cold ice cream. And instead of churros, you're dipping warm, freshly baked, crispy waffle sticks. Its like churros for a warm day. Its like churros with the wrong ingredients. 

Incredible.

You can choose between 3 scooplet flavours or having a dipping hole in the centre with warm chocolate fudge and toppings in the middle, there's something for everyone. Except kids, I hate kids, and I lied, this one isn't for them either.

3. Ferocious Creations Milkshake/Smoothie

This is like scoopletz, but for those without teeth, yeah man we're not forgetting about you either. Starting with a base price of $4.20, you can add anything and EVERYTHING into your milkshake. You can have two, three, screw it you can have 52 flavours in your milkshake and completely disgust your gym instructor. Toppings? OF COURSE! We can blend anything from chocolate chips to rainbow sprinkles so you can shit out rainbows and disappoint your family doctor. Go crazy, get wild! Only downside to this will be the poor workers here, but you don't care anyway. Awesome!

4. The Cold Calzone

This one's if a streetside ice cream bread sandwich had intercourse with a pizza and they produced a hipster teenage daughter who's 2 kool 4 skool. This one goes out to all you busy people on the go but hey, who's ever too busy for a waffle? That's why we decided to make it easier for you. Here's a waffle you can eat on the go, a folded waffle with your choice of ice cream and sauce and toppings, making it the perfect sugary cold calzone. 

Money Matters

If there was one thing I wish I could learn quickly and efficiently right now, it would be to cut my expenditure, or even better, make money appear out of thin air. I mean I understand gradually taking responsibility for my own allowances and savings but expecting me to be proficient in handling money issues within a month is a long shot away from the reality, which is me struggling to behave like an adult. Its like suddenly with my graduation and a part time job, my bus card expires (which means adult fares), I'm paying for all my bills and groceries, and my allowance is down to 150 bucks a month. Looking at my monthly pay which is about 700-850ish, a good fraction of that goes to CPF, another portion goes into my savings account, leaving me with about 450 a month to pay for food, groceries, and bills. Livable, but way tighter compared to what I'm used to. Yep so this has been troubling me for a while now and it feels quite liberating to see it down in words.

Another thing I'm a little worried for is not being able to get into a uni. Smart old me decided to apply to just one uni because I didn't read the application for the other uni properly and thought I had to submit stuff which I didn't have. Anyways, my GPA is neither here nor there but I haven't gotten a response from them though a lot of my batchmates have. I went to check and it says my application is still pending and I was thinking if you wanna reject me can't you do it earlier so I can go work for a year or two. Basic pay is about 2.1k for a diploma holder, not too bad if you ask me. So yes, that feels good to get off my chest as well.

And so we've gone through financial, education, now social. Shamyn. Is my colleague at the ice cream shop I work at. I've known her for about 4 months plus now and well, the first two months or so weren't really an issue because we didn't really work much with each other. But now my girlfriend is real jealous of her. Its hard to pinpoint anyone cause I think its in Shamyn's nature to joke in a certain way that my girlfriend is uncomfortable with, and my girlfriend, well, she just can't help her feelings. Thing is this, Shamyn is quite pretty, and she's got a touchy flirty personality to match. She calls me 'darling' or 'sayang', she'll every so often hug my arm and rest her head on my shoulder to watch a show, commented on me being some kind of manslut who likes to talk to girls because I'll know how to charm them and make them react, mentioned something about 'wait till you get amazing head', and after i texted her once to say "hey, don't get kidnapped", replied with "more like kidnapped by you for your own personal use (; ". Now of course I wouldn't think too much into this, I mean she's 24 and I'm 20, and she's not into younger guys as much as I'm not into older girls, so its all probably fun and games. But sometimes, it drives my girl nuts. Not external nuts though, cause she isn't the kind to blow her top at me, but internalised, self destructing nuts. I don't know how to reassure her, because sure, I can do all these physical things with no emotions attached whatsoever, but she can't. So to her, it'll probably seem like a tiny bit of me will get attached to the other girl. Which isn't the case, but but BUT that's not my concern. I just want my girlfriend to feel safe.

And since she can read this, I'm not gonna disclose what my plan of action is, but I'm gonna try, really really hard to make her feel as loved as she can possibly be.

Airports

Airports used to be a place of blissful memories. Tangy feelings of jitteriness to be somewhere new and yearning to be safe home pull at each other like string cheese till one gives way. For some, it is breathing new air, new sights and sounds in a place distant from home, for others, it's a warm embrace from back where you belong.

I remember being in Palermo airport, no less than 2 years back, in a group of 30ish, all scattered around in hopes of finding something better to do than staring at the minute hand tick down all 4 hours of our wait there. I was near the check-in, curiously watching two or three caged pups being manhandled as they hurried to check in the luggage. It was the only place with stable wifi, and as far as I was concerned, that was way more important than exploring that dusty two storey container. It was afternoon then, so I didn't expect a reply from you, just tapping frigid fingers rapidly against the screen more out of boredom than anything else. It came as a surprise to me  when you replied, (now that I think back about it, could it not have been you?), and at once, I felt the depths of the ocean floors between us fold. I can no longer recall what we talked about or even how close we were back then, but I remember feeling comfort in knowing we both wanted to be where the other person was. There was some sense of security in that, but what 'that' was, neither of us knew, and 'that' never lasted long enough for either of us to find out.

The airport used to be a place of blissful memories. But now that has vastly changed. It's sterility masked the overbearing air of paranoia that shrouds the back of my head whenever I visit, leaving the hairs on the back of my neck on end. I can imagine myself there in the queues, waiting for someone, hoping, expecting, only to continue to wait, wait, and wait. I can imaginemyself as a bystander, watching the person I love walk out with someone else, putting them first, before blending into a cluster which I cannot penetrate. I cannot be there. I am an invisible shadow that neither saw nor forgot. There was a sense of insecurity in that, but what 'that' was, we both knew, and it hurt to find out.