31.12

Every year I spend the new year's on the floor of my room and this year will not be different. Thankfully there will be no crying this year because I am simply too tired running on 2 hours of sleep and I haven't been feeling well as I haven't been eating regularly the past few days.

Sometimes I think that parents are ignorant of hor their upbringing affects the development of their child. Though done out of goodwill, at times protectiveness isn't enough to keep your child safe from themselves. Through my childhood years, I've always packed food from home because it's 'better'. As a result, I never got the experience of buying food from the school stalls as a kid, and when I went into secondary school, I wouldn't eat until I'm out of school be it at 3pm or 7pm. As a result, I've grown up to be afraid and very anxious when it comes to ordering my own food. Now you know.

As a child, I was always encouraged to stay quiet because 'quiet kids are good kids' and so I never let myself participate in any activities even though I wanted to. It didn't help that I felt different, in a way, so I never felt like I could fit in with any clique per se. My parents never believed in so called western traditions, and so on to add on to the protectiveness, I was never allowed to go for a sleepover, even some camps, after school was for straight home and to study, and I never went to much parties. I can't say much has changed. Growing up this way, at a certain point I did start to believe that all this was right in every way and so I pretty much clung onto my mom's side for as long as I could remember because 'friends aren't important and will always leave when they don't need you but family will always be there'. As a result, forging friendships for me was always rather difficult. Getting to know someone is fine, but as soon as the friendship starts growing, I feel wrong for wanting the friendship to develop. That's why I tend to keep to myself in social situations, even in class per se, because I've always been taught that people have better things to do than to spend time with me. And unabled to attend these things only make me feel left out of what feels like moments to remember in my short life. Now you know.

At this point, there is no sadness anymore. There is just loneliness and unworthiness and these are my friends for the year.