Sunday Night Thoughts

These few days have been rough. I feel the sandpaper hands of dysphoria wearing down my resolve. The class gathering is a no-go. After all, there really isn't much more to it than being an overglorified boys club reunion from which I feel left out. I can already imagine the exact scenarios that will take place, the topics of conversation, the lengthy lapses of awkward silence between conversations, and so far none of it seems too inviting. After all, my clearest memories from the classroom are shaming myself for biting my tongue instead of, well, honestly punching someone in the throat. I don't have good memories of the class, it all seems painfully forced, everybody pecking at everybody's weakest spots in hopes to fit in with what you brush off as a cheap joke. There's nothing to be lost with my absence. 

These days everybody seems to be caught up in their problems. Must be the big changes we're going through, the beginning of nine-to-fives, university, new schools and new countries, new people, there's too much to get caught up in. The people I do talk to, are mostly happy time talkers, the people I discuss things with, fill my time with, distract myself with. The people, person, perhaps, I can talk to about my problems is far too busy to even approach any conceivable topic apart from current life affairs, and honestly I'm quite lost at the lack of concern from that side. I just don't feel enough right now, the feeling of lacking is very overwhelming. But every day I brush it off to save as another story for another time, until it slowly develops into a constant dull pain at the back of your head that you can't fathom or pinpoint where it's from. It's a mixture of unwantedness and taken for granted, neglect and lacking, the secondhand feeling of a convenient friend. Combine that with a war against your ugly body every day and it's a surprise I haven't ripped my flesh apart. 

Anyhow it's been a while since I've written and I suppose it feels sort of relieving to pen down my thoughts. It's a little messy now but I bet when my thoughts are more concise and organized then these little notes will be clearer. Goodnight.