Fall Out

No Words - The Script

It's only January and I'm already sick of 2013. Far too many bad incidents have happened for it to qualify as a good start to the year. These two to three weeks feel barely short of one and a half months. Two to three weeks is a very short time. During this short period, much too much has happened off the lone wolf's back. A friend is once again finding stalker notes on her bedroom window pane. A friend is falling into the temptation to smoke again after fighting off her addiction. A friend's grandfather has cancer. A friend's father is fighting for his life after frequent heart failures. A friend lost his dream and career. A friend is giving up architecture and will probably not be with us next year. A friend broke up. A friend almost got sexually assaulted. A friend wants to run away from home. A friend and I are falling out. A friend kneed me in the nerve so hard yesterday I couldn't walk for a bit. I'm losing my memory bit by bit, I find it hard to remember anything now. I'm losing money but that's my fault.

To be honest, I'm worn to the bone from being the happy friend that everyone turns to for their problems. The friend who is supposed to understand the situation and listen and take their side, the friend who isn't entitled to opinions because he's not in that situation and he knows too much about everyone else. Yes, he just tucks it under his wing together with many other antiques and knick-knacks from many others who've come and gone. He's everybody's best friend, the raven who flies to the windowsill by a simple whistle to take a few lashings or beatings to him on the other party's behalf. You rant endlessly to him about your problems. He tries to offer and opinion. You yell that he doesn't understand. He struggles to maintain composure as he tries to understand. You scream about how you just want everything to end. He raises his voice but doesn't fight back. You slam your hands on the table and yell at him. He keeps quiet. You look away. Another day. You say hello. He asks how's your day and hopes you ask the same. You reply what he could've guessed because he knows you that well. No questions, it's alright. He picks up the conversation. Ten. Twenty minutes. He says he has a problem. You ask what's wrong. He says it's alright, you're busy. You say it's alright, you'll listen. He tells you, he rants maybe a little too much. Hmm. Mmm. Uhhuh. He doesn't know what to say so he changes the topic. Ten. Twenty. Thirty minutes. He gets frustrated and worried but doesn't want to seem clingy so he texts a hello. You say hello. He sits questioning in the dark.

Forgive me for such complaints. I'll continue to be that friend because I believe it's become my life purpose. It's something I could fall in love with. And like any other relationship, it has it's downsides too. I will not demand, I will not resist and I will not hold grudges. Once again, forgive me for complaining on the task I've myself chosen to take up. I can fully affirm tonight, I have no one I can rely on as my confidante anymore. They've all taken a leave, for now or forever I cannot say. This is something I'll have to live by. The raven with the broken wing has to fly.