Today I looked at my reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, what a sad child. A sad, skinny child. Even where there's fat, it's in the wrong place. It's getting harder to achieve the body I'm trying to work towards. It's like you're trying to climb out of this dark pit, the others around you have the tools that may help, but they're too busy to even listen to your pleas for help. You scramble up on your bare toes and nails, but the gravel is loose, it gives way and you find yourself knocked right back down on your back looking up at the sweet escape that's almost too far to touch. Sometimes you lose your footing a couple steps up. Other times you're almost halfway there, your hope almost lifting you're hopeful feet, until the ground caves in and you black out. You wake up at the bottom again. Heck, even the ground doesn't want to support you. Who would? You're a burden, a filthy burden that's what you are.
That's what I am. A burden.
I'm thinking it should be better off for everyone if I tried harder to be more independent, not rely on anyone's sympathy or support for this, but it's so damn difficult. I feel so far away from reaching what I want, what I need. It's not even a dream, a person, it's my own identity, something people are born with, it's something I have to chase. I don't have protein anymore, it's been great for me to gain mass, it gave me good energy when I work out, but I don't think my parents are inclined to get me any more. It's expensive. If I could just save up, I may make it for GNC's one for one protein sale. I wouldn't be so concerned about the protein if I took a lot of it in my meals in the first place. On my diet, I'm supposed to be eating 3 main meals and 3 supplementary snacks a day. At my rate, I'm only getting 2 meals a day, I have barely enough to eat. If this keeps up, I'm only gonna end up gaining lean muscle and losing fat. I'm going to become thinner and thinner. Skinnier and skinnier. Further and further away. I can't. Not after I've gotten so far. Can't I at least get a decent 3 meals a day, it's not much I'm asking for. It's basic, it's really important to me. God I hate this post. Sounds bloody fake. I hate my body, I can't freaking look in the mirror and in no close time will I be able to do so. Yeah, that's nice everyone, go ahead and check yourselves out in the mirror, I can't even look myself in the eye. It's so foreign, I could just scratch it off. Scratch all this shit off and leave the rotting shit there. God. When will every thing I do pay off? Everyday I look in that hellhole of a mirror and it's the same damn thing. I never look different, nothing's changed, what's the whole point of everything at all? Why am I even putting myself through hell working out hours every day, chugging down pills in the morning when I can't even feed myself properly? Sometimes i wonder if i'm taking too little pills at a time, what if i double the intake? What's the whole damn point? I'm wasting my time.
Lousy post.
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