8 hours of continuous work today with hardly enough result to feel satisfied with the time spent. Quite some time was wasted because the 2mm wood cracks more easily, and so if there are any slits in the wood and I apply pressure to cut somewhere else, the entire piece will break in two. So it's a lot of wasted wood and wasted time. So far i've done some autocad for details and part section, but it's not completed yet, still have the labelling and hatching, and autocad always messes up my hatching. Half the time I wish I could just draw it myself freehand. It doesn't help that I don't have the programme on my own computer too. As for the 1:100 model, so far I've done the entire house flooring, as well as the walls for the kitchen/dining side for the first storey. I'm really dreading the living room though, I'd have to cut the louvres separately before pasting then together. Speaking of which, my teacher owes me three tubes of por, bet she's not going to return them to me at all. Bitch. Living room. Not to mention, I'm also gonna have to make the sliding doors on one whole stretch, equals, cutting and scoring acrylic sheets. Should have bought thinner ones. And I've yet to start on the base, which is quite scary considering one of my friends has already completed his entire model, trees inclusive. Really impressive work, especially with his whole bunch of trellises and louvres.
Today was quite tiring I would say. The last thing I needed was an internal breakdown. All it took was a friend saying her dog is neutered and has no testicles and will therefore never be male, never be a man. And all I could do was shake and laugh and pretend its funny. Right. How the hell was I supposed to feel? Guess everything thinks that way.
When all this has passed, you won't remember a thing. Like they all say, the bully doesn't remember anything, the bullied remembers every detail. But there is no bully in this case. Just the lover and the loved. You're on the train, ready to go with the gentle grey steam, to leave this town behind, but I see the wheels lock into each degree like a second hand on a clock, faster and faster until the mechanical rigidness has mutilated itself into a seamless turbine. I watch the heavy grey puffs slowly grow lighter like feathers in the wind as they too lift away with your departure. The grass around my bare toes are dry, bristly and rustle as I shift my weight from one foot to the other. Every second is poured scripture into a journal of time. You won't remember, and I don't expect you to. But I will never forget every single night I stay up, laying in bed feeling forgotten, cursing at my phone in a pretence that it would make me care less about where you are, whether you've gotten home. I talk to myself, saying how stupid you are, talk to my phone, saying this is some kind of sick joke, it's like pretending I don't care would make me forget about you too. Maybe if I say something enough, it'll come true. If I could only burn these thoughts and give them to you as ashes in a bottle, maybe you'd see how I once felt. 'once'.
Something I have to get out of my head. It's funny how every time, just a little while before I see her, the waves come crashing down on me once again. It's not about sadness, it's anger, pure betrayal. All the visions flash before my eyelids against and again, like a black and white old filmshow. The desperate shaking, holding back from landing a missile fueled blow straight to the temple. Over-cautious steps away because I can't bring myself to look, because I already knew long before I found out. The alarm in my head ringing loud and red, liar. It's not what I found out that bothered me for long, it's what I was put through because of it. While hurling excuses and cover-ups the whole time. Trying to make me feel equal. That it was just a matter of time and distance. Breaking myself at the edges forcing myself to believe that. You made me suffer. How can I believe you when you say you love me anymore?
but they remember everything. They forget appointments and anniversaries, but remember what you wore, how you smelled, on your first date… They remember every story you’ve ever told them - like ever, but forget what you’ve just said. They don’t remember to water the plants or take out the trash, but they don’t forget how to make you laugh.
Writers are forgetful because they’re busy remembering the important things
I was thinking maybe I could be a writer some day. If I don't become an architect. Maybe I can be both, encrypting my text in the delicate lines of architecture. I will etch stories into Romanesque arches and watch how they cascade down among buttresses and verses into the pool of deep, undulating love stories of heartbreak below. I'll bring timeless characters to life as they swing among ribbed vaults, a play of words skimming in a perfect golden section around beautifully ornamented Corinthian columns, and as each stroke of the finest golden pen falls upon a page of the softest marble, chains crackle upon rusted gears and unveil a a new landscape in my name.
"None of these people, I realised, could cope with reality any better than I could. My father's death had a nasty finality to it, and it made a mockery of the laws they lived by: that every fact can be reinterpreted, that every ending can be changed. Dickens had rewritten Great Expectations so that Pig could be happy. No one could rewrite this."
-The Rule of Four, Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason
I love the way the author had penned this down. This is the point of view of a child whose father's life had been ripped away in a car crash, the same one which landed him in hospital, surrounded by strange men and women, his father's colleagues, in a blurry grey of movement. This is a child who has grown up with books, scholarly articles on the Roman Renaissance, the son of a book seller. Having grown up in a world of scratched ink on parchment, he realises that the ones whose steps he is retracing all share the same sentiment, the same prejudice against reality. Reality doesn't follow a dramatic plot that can be twisted and tweaked into a literary masterpiece. They indulge themselves in the world of written words, they grow to believe that fate can be rewritten, tear the page out and throw it in the fire, put the pen to the page and new sensations can be experienced. But reality just doesn't work that way. There's a reason I quoted this part of the book, and it's because I believe it's something I can learn from. Every passing second is a moment passed, and every moment passed is embedded in finality. We can chisel and tear away at its edges, but that will only cost time, more time encrusted in the raw truth that we are closer and closer to time's up.
"A strange thing, time. It weighs most on those who have it least."
-The Rule of Four
Guess who finally visits his old gym to find it completely renovated and refurbished! Okay well the title of this post says its all but man, I'm beyond stoked at this point. After months of waiting, the new gym (renovated old gym really) is finally FINALLY OPEN. Hell YES. This is a brand new motivation to work out like hell again given how near to my house it is and how much easier it is to use the equipment compared to the one in school (not the graduate's guild, just the pool gym), given that half of it is usually already hoarded by the dragonboat seniors.
So a few pointers about the new gym. First off, it's run by a private vendor so means that the stuff are in way better condition than a typical community centre gym, and a perk of this is that there are discounts as well. Standard price per entry will be 3.80 but because I'm a student, it's lowered down to 2.80. There's memberships too which I'm looking to join sometime soon; considering that I'll frequent the gym quite often, I don't see how this won't benefit me. So basically with every entry you get a chop on this card, and after 10 entries, you get yourself a free one, and after 12 entries, you get a free 20 bucks off the 3 month membership. Man that's a lot of numbers. Anyway, the new gym sells energy bars as well, so if you get hungry, you could just grab one (not quoting prices here, too many numbers!) and it also sells protein and whey powder at what seems to be a discounted price. Quite a few to choose from actually but I think I'll still go for the ones at GNC, they're cheaper since they're one for one. They also completely redid the floor, so the once parquet floor which was non shock absorbant at all is now replaced with rubber flooring, and they even give a thicker layer in the weights area to make it more shock absorbant and basically less noisy when people drop the weights. They added way more equipment too. They replaced the old treadmills with four new ones, put in a chin up/dips machine, a whole row of new weights (finally rubber coated weights that don't clang on the floor every single time), bench press and deadlift equipment, racks of weight plates and so on. Now THIS is my money's worth. All it needs are high class graduate's guild style bathrooms and this community centre can be a clubhouse baby!
Besides that, I finally found out that the guy that I always run into at the gym is actually a triple E lecturer at my school. No wonder I met him at the pool gym too, but man...hell will it be scary to have a damn buff, ripped dude as your lecturer. Wow. We started talking a little too, then I had to leave to head back to school to meet people but from what I gather, he's a pretty nice guy, gentle giant I would say. And tomorrow's a friend's birthday celebration! I really really hope it doesn't turn up disastrous and that people will actually turn up because this girl has been there for her friends a LOT. She really deserves a good day to herself. They're probably cutting cake in school at around three, but I don't think I'll turn up for that, maybe only dinner afterwards at five. Still can't bring myself to step into that place so I'm avoiding it and that whole damn line in fact, for now. Except if I really really have to then its fine. And Friday is another friend's birthday, god why are so many people born in January all of a sudden?? Just last week we had a classmate who got high on sheesha on her birthday and went around slut dancing on chairs in the place and kissing random strangers. Well at least it was fun. All in all, today wasn't such a bad day after all(:
Today I looked at my reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, what a sad child. A sad, skinny child. Even where there's fat, it's in the wrong place. It's getting harder to achieve the body I'm trying to work towards. It's like you're trying to climb out of this dark pit, the others around you have the tools that may help, but they're too busy to even listen to your pleas for help. You scramble up on your bare toes and nails, but the gravel is loose, it gives way and you find yourself knocked right back down on your back looking up at the sweet escape that's almost too far to touch. Sometimes you lose your footing a couple steps up. Other times you're almost halfway there, your hope almost lifting you're hopeful feet, until the ground caves in and you black out. You wake up at the bottom again. Heck, even the ground doesn't want to support you. Who would? You're a burden, a filthy burden that's what you are.
That's what I am. A burden.
I'm thinking it should be better off for everyone if I tried harder to be more independent, not rely on anyone's sympathy or support for this, but it's so damn difficult. I feel so far away from reaching what I want, what I need. It's not even a dream, a person, it's my own identity, something people are born with, it's something I have to chase. I don't have protein anymore, it's been great for me to gain mass, it gave me good energy when I work out, but I don't think my parents are inclined to get me any more. It's expensive. If I could just save up, I may make it for GNC's one for one protein sale. I wouldn't be so concerned about the protein if I took a lot of it in my meals in the first place. On my diet, I'm supposed to be eating 3 main meals and 3 supplementary snacks a day. At my rate, I'm only getting 2 meals a day, I have barely enough to eat. If this keeps up, I'm only gonna end up gaining lean muscle and losing fat. I'm going to become thinner and thinner. Skinnier and skinnier. Further and further away. I can't. Not after I've gotten so far. Can't I at least get a decent 3 meals a day, it's not much I'm asking for. It's basic, it's really important to me. God I hate this post. Sounds bloody fake. I hate my body, I can't freaking look in the mirror and in no close time will I be able to do so. Yeah, that's nice everyone, go ahead and check yourselves out in the mirror, I can't even look myself in the eye. It's so foreign, I could just scratch it off. Scratch all this shit off and leave the rotting shit there. God. When will every thing I do pay off? Everyday I look in that hellhole of a mirror and it's the same damn thing. I never look different, nothing's changed, what's the whole point of everything at all? Why am I even putting myself through hell working out hours every day, chugging down pills in the morning when I can't even feed myself properly? Sometimes i wonder if i'm taking too little pills at a time, what if i double the intake? What's the whole damn point? I'm wasting my time.
Lousy post.
It's only January and I'm already sick of 2013. Far too many bad incidents have happened for it to qualify as a good start to the year. These two to three weeks feel barely short of one and a half months. Two to three weeks is a very short time. During this short period, much too much has happened off the lone wolf's back. A friend is once again finding stalker notes on her bedroom window pane. A friend is falling into the temptation to smoke again after fighting off her addiction. A friend's grandfather has cancer. A friend's father is fighting for his life after frequent heart failures. A friend lost his dream and career. A friend is giving up architecture and will probably not be with us next year. A friend broke up. A friend almost got sexually assaulted. A friend wants to run away from home. A friend and I are falling out. A friend kneed me in the nerve so hard yesterday I couldn't walk for a bit. I'm losing my memory bit by bit, I find it hard to remember anything now. I'm losing money but that's my fault.
To be honest, I'm worn to the bone from being the happy friend that everyone turns to for their problems. The friend who is supposed to understand the situation and listen and take their side, the friend who isn't entitled to opinions because he's not in that situation and he knows too much about everyone else. Yes, he just tucks it under his wing together with many other antiques and knick-knacks from many others who've come and gone. He's everybody's best friend, the raven who flies to the windowsill by a simple whistle to take a few lashings or beatings to him on the other party's behalf. You rant endlessly to him about your problems. He tries to offer and opinion. You yell that he doesn't understand. He struggles to maintain composure as he tries to understand. You scream about how you just want everything to end. He raises his voice but doesn't fight back. You slam your hands on the table and yell at him. He keeps quiet. You look away. Another day. You say hello. He asks how's your day and hopes you ask the same. You reply what he could've guessed because he knows you that well. No questions, it's alright. He picks up the conversation. Ten. Twenty minutes. He says he has a problem. You ask what's wrong. He says it's alright, you're busy. You say it's alright, you'll listen. He tells you, he rants maybe a little too much. Hmm. Mmm. Uhhuh. He doesn't know what to say so he changes the topic. Ten. Twenty. Thirty minutes. He gets frustrated and worried but doesn't want to seem clingy so he texts a hello. You say hello. He sits questioning in the dark.
Forgive me for such complaints. I'll continue to be that friend because I believe it's become my life purpose. It's something I could fall in love with. And like any other relationship, it has it's downsides too. I will not demand, I will not resist and I will not hold grudges. Once again, forgive me for complaining on the task I've myself chosen to take up. I can fully affirm tonight, I have no one I can rely on as my confidante anymore. They've all taken a leave, for now or forever I cannot say. This is something I'll have to live by. The raven with the broken wing has to fly.
As mentioned some posts before, I'll be posting up my workout routine just to keep check so here it is:
Chest
Standard bench press (15, 10, 8 with increasing resistance)
Incline bench press (15, 10, 8 with increasing resistance)
Single arm row (10 x 3)
Bar dips (exhaustion x 3)
Push and row (10 x 3)
Overhead tricep extension (cable) (15 x 3)
Tricep pulldown (10 x 3)
Tricep pullover (10, 10, 8)
30s rest between sets except for the last two, which are supersets.
Shoulders
Front shoulder press (10 x 2)
Front raise (10 x 2)
Accelerated side raise (8 x 2)
Cuban press (8 x 2)
Inverted shoulder press (30s x 3)
Seated dumbbell rotation (8 x 3)
Overhead dumbbell shrug (10 x 3)
Serrated shrug (10 x 3)
Push ups (10-20 x 3)
Decline hammer curl (12 x 3)
Arms
Alternate bicep curl (10 x 3)
Hammer curl (10 x 3)
Standard bicep curl (10 x 3)
Concentration curl (10 x 3)
Alternate hammer cross curl (10 x 3)
Overhead tricep extension (dumbbell) (10 x 3)
Single arm tricep extension (10 x 3)
Palm up wrist curl (10 x 3)
Palm down wrist curl (10 x 3)
Plate pinch (exhaustion x 3)
Core (Abs and Back)
Single arm plank
Front plank
Back crunches
Front crunches
Oblique twists
(3 sets of ___mins)
Standard pull up (3 x 10)
Inclined pull up (1min x 3)
Lateral pulldown (10 x 3)
Dead lift (4 x 3)
Rear lateral raise (12 x 3)
Incline Y raise (10 x 3)
Legs
Alternate lunges (40 x 2)
Half squat (40 x 2)
Star jump (40 x 2)
Prisoner squat (40 x 2)
It never came across to me until I read an article recently that The A Team by Ed Sheeran is about a girl on cocaine and how she's addicted to the drug. And that the reason she's said to be on the A team is because cocaine falls into a group of drugs known as Class A drugs. Which is why she's said to have skin that's 'crumbling like pastry', how she'd 'die for a couple grams' and so on. It's quite scary how sweet and simple the song seems and how it's used to cover up the story of the girl's addiction.
Watched Jack Reacher with a friend today after a long round of discussions on whether to watch that, Les Mis, or CZ12. Never ever regretted that decision, it turned out to be a really good, albeit a pretty long movie. I would say its somewhat along the lines of Taken 2 in terms of how the action rolls up right at the start of the movie, which is something I find very thrilling and appealing about recent action movies. There was a certain sense of humour in the characters of this movie too, so everyone in the theatre has a good laugh a couple of times throughout the show. Another good thing I found about this movie was that there are no romantic scenes AT ALL, which made me almost want to stand up and applaud whoever created this awesome storyline. I'd say the most romantic part must have been that a man having an affair was shot while the lady was walking towards him, right before she herself was shot. The investigative part of the movie was great yet almost unbelievable, kept leaving us thinking "how the hell did he manage to link that to that??" so yeah I know this is a pretty jumpy sort of review but I have a tendency to spoil plots if I talk to much so I'd rather hop around. It's a good worth of GV money if you ask me, which by the way didn't even give us a student discount, and the next thing in line that I'd like to watch will be Gangster Squad. At least that's what I think it's called if I recall correctly.
Anyway one thing to note today is that the guy wooing my friend actually read me as male and said kudos to me for that(: but my friend corrected him and called me her girlfriend. And now that can't get out of my head. Doesn't help that there's no one to talk to either. She can talk to me about all her problems but this is the one thing I'm afraid of talking to her about. God.
Haven't posted up for some time since the new year started. Well, its the new year and with new years come some freshly baked beginnings. 2012 was a year of many new experiences for me. To state, it was a where I had my job at Manhattan Fish Market for a couple of months, I went to a new school that was different from all my friends' and started anew there, I had a girlfriend whom I loved with all my heart and could rely on, she left me and I knew then what it felt like to have my heart broken, I embraced my identity deeper and looked for ways that I could be who I am, I started drinking more excessively, and by the end of the year, much of my depression came back. With these experiences, I definitely gained a lot of knowledge about myself and the world around me, which I'm going to briefly describe here. With my job at Manhattan's, I learnt how to interact with people I don't know better, how to know my place, respect and be respected in a place with much higher positions than I was. I learnt to deal with my money issues better as I knew then the hard work it takes to get the cash, and I still remember how happy I was to receive my first paycheck. Going to a new school, I learnt what it was like to be independent and pick myself up from the ground in a completely new environment and to slowly accept it, I learnt to quickly make friends, I learnt the beauty of architecture, which led me to appreciate the finer details that most people simply miss. With my ex girlfriend, I learnt that relationships can tear you away from some people, I learnt the bliss of simply lying next to someone you love in an empty classroom, I learnt to how much you could mean to a person. When we broke up, I learnt much more, I learnt the weight of a single goodnight text, I learnt to stand up for people I love, I learnt to rebuild and appreciate old friendships, I learnt pain and hatred, I learnt what it means to truly love someone, I learnt that time won't wait, I learnt that it's okay to cry. To embrace my identity better, I learnt that sometimes, you have to take the extra step out because otherwise, nothing's gonna change the reality, I learnt that small steps are enough to make me happy with myself sometimes, even if its not big, if I can just believe it. With more excessive drinking and falling into depression, I learnt that sometimes, nobody is going to be there for you at all, you will get misunderstood, you will worry you're asking for too much, you will cry until you can't breathe and drink until you talk to yourself in an empty room, and sometimes, that small amount of liberation is just what you need to get away from it for a while and refocus yourself as soon as possible.
This year, I aim to lead a richer, better quality life full of ups and downs, be a better person as whole. I am to gain weight and strive for a better body which aligns more to my identity, through a standard, safe but with a few risks strategy. I aim to be closer to some of my new friends whom I can get along better with, while at the same time maintaining my old friendships. I aim to accept my ex girlfriend's new life though I love her and hopefully still be friends with her and can be there for her when she needs me. I hope that the pain I'm going through every day loving someone who loves someone else, will only make me a stronger person in future. I aim to try to be there more for my friends and family, and support my mom more in her business as well as be closer to my dad. I aim to get better, get out of this dark place, maybe not now, but soon.
