8.48am

I will never quite understand why you seem so cold and angry at me. For all your queries I have given you answers but for all my queries I have received none. It's all very confusing to me. Perhaps you're too tired by the end of the day to think about these issues, or maybe it's just that hard to come to a conclusion. I guess the most overwhelming feeling now is not of jealousy or hurt, but rather of longing and confusion because simply put, I would never know what's going on without asking a coupla times. I feel sort of left out of the loop, like a quick glance at my texts would suffice with a short, vague, half-thought-of answer to one small thing I said. Do you really want me in your life like you say you do? Cause right now I seem like more of a hassle. Please don't treat me like a fairweather friend, I'm in this for the long haul, for the better and for worse, I'm in this for you.

2.07

Now might be a tad too late to bring this up, but I hope you really consider what I'm about to say. 

I know you're already about to start school, and I know that you're already really far away, but something I'm just as sure of is that archi is not the best choice for you. Not even close to the best. In fact, it's more of something you have to do because someone tells you to. I've seen people who've had quite a bit of interest in archi falter and decide it's not for them 3 months into working. I've seen people who are stuck doing archi because they happen to have a flair for it even though they don't enjoy it. I know you, quite well I think. I know that you don't enjoy archi, I know that criticism is not something you take very well when it comes to archi and let's face it, criticism is an integral core of this profession. I also know that you can't excel at something you have no interest in, the slightest knock will make you feel like giving up. 

Three years is as struggling through a harder version of a course that you don't like for the same time it took for you to get a diploma. And five years is almost double that time. Honestly, after all that time and hardship, do you really see yourself as a full time architect? I really wish I could have talked to you about this months ago, but only now have I really sat down to think about it. Archi is not for everyone just like how not everyone can draw or dance well. During my one year of employment, I'm really gonna sit down and think about other courses, I'm looking at event management, environmental science maybe, because we're still young, we still have time to pursue something that is actually bearable to spend the rest of your life doing.

5 years is a long time and a lot of money to be spending doing something that won't benefit you in the end. In that 5 years, you can get a diploma or a degree for something new that you enjoy more. Pamela wee, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not an architect, you're not an egoistic person who conforms to rules that curb your creativity. You can always try a sem there to see if it's really for you, but if it's not, really don't be afraid to change course before it's too late. Really from the bottom of my heart, I urge you to reconsider.

To you.

http://soulmate-71.weebly.com/signs-of-a-soulmate-and-twin-flame.html

10.56

I'm a little twitchy from coffee now and Anni and I were talking about things just now so I'm just gonna write down some stuff here. It's really rare to find someone that you don't feel you have to consistently impress, that you can be yourself with, whom your friends can get along with, who can make you calm down just by hearing their voice or seeing their face. It is rare to find someone who's personality is different from, yet compliments yours, but you both still have room to grow, who wants nothing but the best for you, even if what they think is the best means that they're not in the picture. It's hard to find someone who makes you feel that slightly more comfortable with your insecurities and flaws. 

I was telling Anni that maybe even from a religious viewpoint, pamela might have been good for me because she drinks less than I do, and she doesn't take pork. It's still livable with. I was telling Anni about how I don't think that Pamela really isn't happy doing architecture and that she's the sort of person who can't really see any enjoyment doing things she's not passionate about, and it's a pity she's spending 5 years doing that. And so I imagined if I married her, for our tenth anniversary, my gift to her would be her own little bookshop to run for a living.

5.04

I have a dream
I hope it will come true
That you're here with me
And I am here with you

I wish that the earth, sea
And sky up above-a
Will send me somebody
To lava

Okay but really the reason I'm writing this is because while waiting for the bus to Chinatown, my fingers got itchy and I decided to dig through the side pockets of my bag and -holy crap it's sick in there. I found burger wrappers from God knows when, yep sauce and all, granola wrappers, all kinds of tissue, and a half eaten packet of Daim chocolates. My bag is a cemetery of RUBBISH.

10.27

I woke up feeling great. 2 hours now and I feel like I've lost my mind and a piece of my heart. To move on you must kill all hope of being back together. But at this point I feel like I want to be back together even thousands of miles away.

11pm

There's this turmoil inside me that doesn't relent. I tell myself it's over but my surroundings are tainted with remnants of her and the past. All my clothes strewed across my room, I can point out perfectly each one that I wore on our dates out. The white shirt sleeved shirt with red and blue checks that she said I had too many of, I wore that out the night we had Sunday Folks. The blue and white striped polo, I wore that on one of our picnics at marina barrage. The green shirt with tiny yellowish dots, I joked that I wore that all the time. I see the watch she gave me on the shelf next to the watch she used to borrow for herself. I see the dumbbells I used to work out with and then I'd send her a photo of myself sweating like a pig and she'd tell me to be careful. I sleep on the very same sheets and pillows that we made love on. I see the sweater she gave me. And the cat shaped thumbdrive. And the littl eeyores grumps and pancake on my bed. I see the laptop we used to skype on. The blazer that took me forever to choose. Her old project building plans are still in my folder. I see the tear stained shirt I wore on our last date. Sammy, the cat who grew up with her. I miss her so much and I want her back but it's over. It's over. It's over.

9pm

its over. It's over. It's over.
There is no hope in it.
It's over for good.
Writing makes me believe it.
It's over for better or worse.
But it's over.
I might be sad but I'm trying to accept it.
It's over. Its over. Its over.
Don't look back, you're not going that way.