FWB?

Person number 1. You're my good friend. And I know we've been close and we've kissed but I don't think I'll be able to see you as more than a friend. I sincerely hope that you're treating me as a rebound. In that case, I can turn you down without ruining our friendship and without hurting your feelings too much. The kisses was good, they were... Intimate. But as much as they say people get ten times more attached to people they've kissed, I hope you don't fall for me. God I was even considering friends with benefits or an open relationship there but there's a line called emotional attachment and I can already feel you crossing it. You get shy around me, you blush when I talk to you, you tell me you want to kiss me, I know. I just don't know if I should let you.

Person number 2. At first I was quite frustrated with how you suddenly pretended that we all didn't exist. But now this is a complete joke. You say you felt awkward with me because I've liked you before and you rejected me. You rubbing your leg all over mine under the sheets doesn't state awkward to me. Neither does lying face to face on the floor giggling about bullshit. Neither does sleeping with your hand around mine, just to state a few. Then you said you were pissed off at her because she's whiny. She's been that way the past year or so all along and all I see is the two of you linking arms and poking fun at each other. Now you say you feel disgusted at me for going on to like (a different) her after you said no to me. Well let me just say that she beat you to rejecting me half a year back and liking her is no surprise given what a great person she is. Shall I make you more revolted? Shall I say that maybe I liked her all along and you were just a cheap excuse? Shall I say that I only liked you for your breasts and legs? You say you didn't enjoy Italy because we just drank in the hotel rooms and left you to lie there by yourself. First of all, we offered you multiple times. Secondly, on half the occasion you were already away in someone else's hotel room or outside. Third, every time we ever tried to talk to you in the room, you only ever just stayed on your phone and barely responded anyway. Dude. You're becoming that same person that you claimed you hated but turns out that you liked him instead. Just go get together with him and walk around with your noses in the clouds of the high and mighty. Jeez.

Dark

I love the dark, when the room's all bright and you flick a switch and it plummets into the blankets of shades of monochrome. Somehow it's different. When there's light, theres a sense of responsibility. My mind regards it as a connection to work, to tasks, and everything that falls under that category. This is why I cannot sleep when there's light, even the small blinking one of my laptop, it just says that there's things to be done and my day don't complete yet. But when the world is enveloped in black, my mind is set free from my tired body, it is no longer at the control station to force my body into motion, it retires for the night. Y

When someone is talking and something funny casually slips out, you do not say "oh was that meant to be a joke? Did (insert name) tell a joke? Oh my god (insert name) is so funny!". No. They weren't trying to be funny but are obviously doing a much better job at it than you are so just let the dude have his moment of glory and shut your fucking trap.

And to you, I don't understand what I did wrong to you, neither do I know what this stemmed from or is linked to at all, but all I know is that you're stamping my existence into ashes right now in my face and well if you wanna do that then two can play in this game. 

Long Live

God knows why I suddenly decided to listen to that song tonight. A year back I couldn't grasp or even fathom its meaning and never thought I'd feel this way about it. 

But when I heard it again tonight, one year later, many closed doors later, the chord stuck home. At first it was blurry, like some sort of mist I can't grasp in my fingers. I know this song, but where have I heard it? Until that one line. The one line that summed up all my feelings and I never even knew.

"Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you."

A Little Fear

Had a bad day at the gym on Monday, it was pretty damn crowded so everyone was in a rush for the benches and racks, especially with Monday being the usual chest day. Tried unsuccessfully to do DB pressed with 25 kilos on each side, and my third and final try ended with losing control of my left hand dumbbell causing it to slam straight down. Thankfully my first reaction was to turn so it didn't slam right into my face, but instead it rammed down on my left cheekbone. Felt okay though so I went on as per normal, but today I've been having a persistent headache on the left side of my head and it hurts more when I look to my left, like there's some sort of minor swelling in my temple or something. I'm just hoping that it's due to tension or a bad pillow and not directly related to the blow to my cheek the other day, which would possibly mean this is some internal bleeding.

Now that I think about it, tension might be a likely cause too. Recently, this week especially, I've been having frequent chest pains again which now I think is related to tension or stress. And considering the piling workload and my stress over that girl, no surprise about the tension there. Just hope my body reconciles all it's problems soon..and that I won't end up unconscious on the floor of the bus anytime soon.

All I Want

All I want right now is to lie here under these loose sheets, holding her in my arms as she nuzzles warmly in my chest. And I'll caress a few strands of hair from her forehead and stroke her hair, the nape of her neck, the gentle curvature of her back, and just get to know her, memorise her. And I'll breathe in her scent as I curl up around her and drift away.

Just Second Guessing

It's strange and funny how after over a year of knowing each other, you can be back to a foot in square one again. One foot in newborn moments, another miles ahead. Half your mind in dizzying nervousness, the other in comfortable bliss. Looking down this familiar face but in a new light, friendly grazes of the hand turn electric once more. 

You know those books we used to read as children where they talk about how it is important to never give up on something because good things come to people who are persistent? And how we all grew up way too fast and found out that we had all been too naive and that sometimes life just deals us a hard hand to play and it's our role as people to suck it up and deal with it. That's true in many ways. But I guess as we grow up, life grants us many new experiences, and these experiences might open our eyes to the possibilities and dimensions in this world. Sometimes, life deals us an aceless hand. Sometimes, persistence can actually pay off. And other times, the girl who rejected you almost a year ago might end up falling for you after all.

And now I'm smiling like an idiot wherever I'm going and I don't care what anyone else has to say about it.