31.10.2016

Last night I broke down because a spade just couldn't be used as a rake day in and day out without losing its integrity.

Today I realise that just like the ability to reproduce doesn't make one a mom or dad, whilst anyone can proclaim themselves a man, it's the quality of the man that makes him true. While I am adjusting and pushing towards physical changes in my life, an easier life means nothing if I don't put just as much effort in making myself a better person. I want to be a man who is patient in testing situations, a man who cares about the needs of someone who can't give anything in return. I want to be a man who shamelessly owns up to my mistakes, a man who pays the extra compliment because a few words could make someone's day. I want to be a man who respects the understanding of others, and a man who will never be foreign to new situations. That is the person I am working towards in the end I am sure.

I suppose that is what drove my decision to bring my parents on holiday, the reason I want to apologise to her aunt for being in her house without her permission, and to ask for permission from her parents before taking her out. Because if I was my father, I would feel afraid to take the first step into a foreign land, and if I was her aunt, I would feel disrespected to find a stranger in my house, and if I was her parent, I would like to make sure that she's safe and taken care of.

Stomach Flu

i tell myself, three years down the road and if what is now will be what is then, I will knock on her door and ask her parents for their permission to be with her.

There are many things I don't know, but what I do know is that I have unlimited patience, unmatched strength, and a ridiculous urge to improve myself, and I will fight for those I love. I will apologize to those I've wronged, and I will own up to those mistakes. I will grow and exceed myself in all possible ways and that's a promise I can make to myself.

Tuesday Morning

It's never occurred to me much how my day to day life is affected by my condition and upbringing due to it. Imagine a life.

Imagine a life where buying your own underwear makes you sweat and tremble, where you circle the store a good four times to make your choice without having to stand there before discreetly picking it up off the shelf. You walk to the counter with a plastic confidence, like you've done this all your life. The cashier asks if that would be all, your voice is shaky so you nod and swallow back the lump in your dry throat. The transaction is done and you leave the store, giddy in the stomach and light in your steps. God forbid anyone see what you just bought, because for you to have the nerve to buy it, you, a half breed, you, undeserving. That's what your brain tells you anyway. But you did it. You bought underwear.

Small steps.

God knows what time it is

and I'm confused and alone again. Just when I was gonna say I felt I was proud of myself that day.

Monday Morning 2

This is the last time I give my heart away. Two things. The first, that the reason my dysphoria hasn't come knocking for a while is because I've dissociated from my body enough that it doesn't resonate to me anymore, merely a vessel, no better than a car or a trolley, to house my soul and hoist it around. Two, that I've succumbed to being a servant of this existential plane, to serve my purpose to each I encounter and move on. 

This is the last time I give my heart away. I can repeat the same narrative over and apply it to just about anybody else. Avoid falling before it happens. Won't waste anybody's time. There is no future I can provide which anyone I love is deserving of, and for that I shall bow my head and walk away.

This was the last time I gave my heart away.

Monday Morning

i know. I understand now, why one after another they leave.

----

I don't have a future. A future with me doesn't exist.

----

Nobody wants that for themselves.

Sunday Morning rain is pouring

No it isn't, but one can wish.

One might also wonder many other things. Like how to proceed in life. Or how to spill to one's parents that everything they've known the past two decades was a mask. Or why she would only ever return a call when she's drunk. Or how to plan a trip for nine. Or if she only talks to me out of sheer obligation. Or of why there was an overnight improvement in that arrogant colleague. Or if my animosity towards said colleague merely because she thinks the world revolves around her well put together life. Or whether telling me not to bother about her was an act of caring or trying to be kind. Or whether she's putting off seeing me on purpose because she think that best for the both of us. Or how I could never forgive myself for what I did and who I am for all my life. Or how much I hate the sound of whistling. Or how everything falls into place when we meet face to face.

I wonder a lot about that last one. How the insecurities and any other feelings seem to peel away and leave a sense of peace and a desire to smile. Less of an oh my god can't believe its you and more of a certainty everything led to this, it feels like time never lapsed, and I'm happy to see you now.

Just a number of things to wonder.

12.10.2016

Can't keep wearing my heart on my sleeve whilst you keep yours locked up in the deepest chambers, the highest tower, I don't even know which.

October 5th

'You' has become a proper noun in my mind. Amidst the ins and outs of the people I brush across daily, 'you' has become reference only to one. 

'You' would love this. I would love to snap a picture of this and send it to 'you'. 'You' must be sleeping. Are 'you' alright. There must be a special place in my mind that the conscience wanders to whenever fleeting thoughts of that word occur.