That's it. i deserve to be happy. I deserve love and time and I deserve the kindness I've been throwing out for free. I don't deserve to learn and give and grow for someone who can't even spare me a hello. Who says sorry and doesn't change her ways. There's no point saying you care when even showing it is too much for you to take. I don't deserve to feel the absence of someone who turns a blind eye to my hours of need, someone who doesn't even see my presence.
I had all the strength and patience in the world to give to you, but I deserve better. I draw the line.
Monday, 7 November 2016
Monday, 31 October 2016
31.10.2016
Last night I broke down because a spade just couldn't be used as a rake day in and day out without losing its integrity.
Today I realise that just like the ability to reproduce doesn't make one a mom or dad, whilst anyone can proclaim themselves a man, it's the quality of the man that makes him true. While I am adjusting and pushing towards physical changes in my life, an easier life means nothing if I don't put just as much effort in making myself a better person. I want to be a man who is patient in testing situations, a man who cares about the needs of someone who can't give anything in return. I want to be a man who shamelessly owns up to my mistakes, a man who pays the extra compliment because a few words could make someone's day. I want to be a man who respects the understanding of others, and a man who will never be foreign to new situations. That is the person I am working towards in the end I am sure.
I suppose that is what drove my decision to bring my parents on holiday, the reason I want to apologise to her aunt for being in her house without her permission, and to ask for permission from her parents before taking her out. Because if I was my father, I would feel afraid to take the first step into a foreign land, and if I was her aunt, I would feel disrespected to find a stranger in my house, and if I was her parent, I would like to make sure that she's safe and taken care of.
Today I realise that just like the ability to reproduce doesn't make one a mom or dad, whilst anyone can proclaim themselves a man, it's the quality of the man that makes him true. While I am adjusting and pushing towards physical changes in my life, an easier life means nothing if I don't put just as much effort in making myself a better person. I want to be a man who is patient in testing situations, a man who cares about the needs of someone who can't give anything in return. I want to be a man who shamelessly owns up to my mistakes, a man who pays the extra compliment because a few words could make someone's day. I want to be a man who respects the understanding of others, and a man who will never be foreign to new situations. That is the person I am working towards in the end I am sure.
I suppose that is what drove my decision to bring my parents on holiday, the reason I want to apologise to her aunt for being in her house without her permission, and to ask for permission from her parents before taking her out. Because if I was my father, I would feel afraid to take the first step into a foreign land, and if I was her aunt, I would feel disrespected to find a stranger in my house, and if I was her parent, I would like to make sure that she's safe and taken care of.
Friday, 28 October 2016
Stomach Flu
i tell myself, three years down the road and if what is now will be what is then, I will knock on her door and ask her parents for their permission to be with her.
There are many things I don't know, but what I do know is that I have unlimited patience, unmatched strength, and a ridiculous urge to improve myself, and I will fight for those I love. I will apologize to those I've wronged, and I will own up to those mistakes. I will grow and exceed myself in all possible ways and that's a promise I can make to myself.
There are many things I don't know, but what I do know is that I have unlimited patience, unmatched strength, and a ridiculous urge to improve myself, and I will fight for those I love. I will apologize to those I've wronged, and I will own up to those mistakes. I will grow and exceed myself in all possible ways and that's a promise I can make to myself.
Monday, 17 October 2016
Tuesday Morning
It's never occurred to me much how my day to day life is affected by my condition and upbringing due to it. Imagine a life.
Imagine a life where buying your own underwear makes you sweat and tremble, where you circle the store a good four times to make your choice without having to stand there before discreetly picking it up off the shelf. You walk to the counter with a plastic confidence, like you've done this all your life. The cashier asks if that would be all, your voice is shaky so you nod and swallow back the lump in your dry throat. The transaction is done and you leave the store, giddy in the stomach and light in your steps. God forbid anyone see what you just bought, because for you to have the nerve to buy it, you, a half breed, you, undeserving. That's what your brain tells you anyway. But you did it. You bought underwear.
Small steps.
Imagine a life where buying your own underwear makes you sweat and tremble, where you circle the store a good four times to make your choice without having to stand there before discreetly picking it up off the shelf. You walk to the counter with a plastic confidence, like you've done this all your life. The cashier asks if that would be all, your voice is shaky so you nod and swallow back the lump in your dry throat. The transaction is done and you leave the store, giddy in the stomach and light in your steps. God forbid anyone see what you just bought, because for you to have the nerve to buy it, you, a half breed, you, undeserving. That's what your brain tells you anyway. But you did it. You bought underwear.
Small steps.
God knows what time it is
and I'm confused and alone again. Just when I was gonna say I felt I was proud of myself that day.
Sunday, 16 October 2016
Monday Morning 2
This is the last time I give my heart away. Two things. The first, that the reason my dysphoria hasn't come knocking for a while is because I've dissociated from my body enough that it doesn't resonate to me anymore, merely a vessel, no better than a car or a trolley, to house my soul and hoist it around. Two, that I've succumbed to being a servant of this existential plane, to serve my purpose to each I encounter and move on.
This is the last time I give my heart away. I can repeat the same narrative over and apply it to just about anybody else. Avoid falling before it happens. Won't waste anybody's time. There is no future I can provide which anyone I love is deserving of, and for that I shall bow my head and walk away.
This was the last time I gave my heart away.
Monday Morning
i know. I understand now, why one after another they leave.
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I don't have a future. A future with me doesn't exist.
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Nobody wants that for themselves.
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I don't have a future. A future with me doesn't exist.
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Nobody wants that for themselves.
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