March blues

Turning 21 and looking back reminds me of all that never was. It's like looking through misted windows at the reel of someone else's life, that my being here is just a spiritual presence with no physical manifestation. There was no childhood, I never had playing soccer with the kids downstairs, there was no intrigue at the changes puberty brought, it wasn't mine to begin with. No clap on the back reminding me of approaching manhood, this existence is on a parallel plane that doesn't intersect reality. I'm just a wandering spirit with no memories and no future. I'm still waiting. Still waiting for my life to begin. So really I'm not turning 21 yet, how could I be when I simply am not there.

Anger

I have a feeling I have spent a thousand dollars to go sit in someone's apartment because nothing has been settled or bought yet, 1 month out. If I knew it was gonna be like this I might as well have spent that thousand dollars on a solo trip to Prague since it's as if I'm going alone anyway.

0901

Going past the places that we once used to roam, I now realize there was as much bliss in planned destinations as there was in unplanned ones, the in-between lapses between the from and the to, these journeys that I'm glad we never overlooked.

0801

When I'm sad, running across a busy street wishing to get run over seems like a really good idea. But I wanted to try to get better, so I'm going to list down the things that I'm sad about today and three things I'm thankful for.
Things I'm sad about:
- I feel that my time is not good enough for anybody else but my cat's. I'm tired of people canceling on me or not bothering to meet up until I ask them. I feel as though I'm desperate for friendship and that's pathetic.
- I'm tired of cancelled trips because those times are the few days or weeks that I'm free of the burden on my shoulders. Nobody knows me in another country and so I'm free to be who I am. But anyways from the looks of it this trip isn't going to happen either cause it can't be just one person planning with completely zero input from the other party. I know you're sooo busy but air tickets aren't gonna wait for anyone either.
- I feel weak and small and like I don't matter. Physically and mentally. Some days like today I can't lift as much as I could because I haven't eaten all day or things like that so I feel really puny and pathetic. And work sometimes makes me feel like I'm not good at anything I do so all I am really is a disposable waste of space.
- Sometimes I feel like I'm the reject friend that you insist on getting cheap meals with because you'd rather spend the cash drinking with your real friends

Things I'm thankful for:
- The nice black and white cat downstairs who greets me when I'm walking home and accompanies me when I have breakdowns downstairs sometimes.
- bob's burgers simply because their family is dysfunctional and their kids are weird and I feel relaxed when I watch it
- I think my boss making me do projects that are almost die because I'm a fast worker. It might also be because he thinks I'm really really free but I'd rather believe in the former.

Tunnel Vision

I wish I could remember this moment forever. Bittersweet feels like the right word to use in this context. I opened up my wounds to you because I had nothing left to lose but you gave me the needle and thread to sew it back together. In exchange for my trust, you gave me the understanding and assurance I need to see the clearer picture. We're both experiencing a different set of challenges than what we know of, and with it must come learning to let go of old habits and fostering the new. I'm willing to do that I hope you are too.

31.12

Every year I spend the new year's on the floor of my room and this year will not be different. Thankfully there will be no crying this year because I am simply too tired running on 2 hours of sleep and I haven't been feeling well as I haven't been eating regularly the past few days.

Sometimes I think that parents are ignorant of hor their upbringing affects the development of their child. Though done out of goodwill, at times protectiveness isn't enough to keep your child safe from themselves. Through my childhood years, I've always packed food from home because it's 'better'. As a result, I never got the experience of buying food from the school stalls as a kid, and when I went into secondary school, I wouldn't eat until I'm out of school be it at 3pm or 7pm. As a result, I've grown up to be afraid and very anxious when it comes to ordering my own food. Now you know.

As a child, I was always encouraged to stay quiet because 'quiet kids are good kids' and so I never let myself participate in any activities even though I wanted to. It didn't help that I felt different, in a way, so I never felt like I could fit in with any clique per se. My parents never believed in so called western traditions, and so on to add on to the protectiveness, I was never allowed to go for a sleepover, even some camps, after school was for straight home and to study, and I never went to much parties. I can't say much has changed. Growing up this way, at a certain point I did start to believe that all this was right in every way and so I pretty much clung onto my mom's side for as long as I could remember because 'friends aren't important and will always leave when they don't need you but family will always be there'. As a result, forging friendships for me was always rather difficult. Getting to know someone is fine, but as soon as the friendship starts growing, I feel wrong for wanting the friendship to develop. That's why I tend to keep to myself in social situations, even in class per se, because I've always been taught that people have better things to do than to spend time with me. And unabled to attend these things only make me feel left out of what feels like moments to remember in my short life. Now you know.

At this point, there is no sadness anymore. There is just loneliness and unworthiness and these are my friends for the year.

26.12

well I'm not who I used to be either. I could say the same as you, I'm a different person now. The old me would fall asleep at 11 and tell you all about my dreams the next day. All I do now is cry myself to sleep at odd hours and wake up at 4.30 in the morning from nightmares and shake under the covers and call people who won't answer and cry myself to sleep again. Must be a really lonely existence.