10.27

I woke up feeling great. 2 hours now and I feel like I've lost my mind and a piece of my heart. To move on you must kill all hope of being back together. But at this point I feel like I want to be back together even thousands of miles away.

11pm

There's this turmoil inside me that doesn't relent. I tell myself it's over but my surroundings are tainted with remnants of her and the past. All my clothes strewed across my room, I can point out perfectly each one that I wore on our dates out. The white shirt sleeved shirt with red and blue checks that she said I had too many of, I wore that out the night we had Sunday Folks. The blue and white striped polo, I wore that on one of our picnics at marina barrage. The green shirt with tiny yellowish dots, I joked that I wore that all the time. I see the watch she gave me on the shelf next to the watch she used to borrow for herself. I see the dumbbells I used to work out with and then I'd send her a photo of myself sweating like a pig and she'd tell me to be careful. I sleep on the very same sheets and pillows that we made love on. I see the sweater she gave me. And the cat shaped thumbdrive. And the littl eeyores grumps and pancake on my bed. I see the laptop we used to skype on. The blazer that took me forever to choose. Her old project building plans are still in my folder. I see the tear stained shirt I wore on our last date. Sammy, the cat who grew up with her. I miss her so much and I want her back but it's over. It's over. It's over.

9pm

its over. It's over. It's over.
There is no hope in it.
It's over for good.
Writing makes me believe it.
It's over for better or worse.
But it's over.
I might be sad but I'm trying to accept it.
It's over. Its over. Its over.
Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Bound to Get Together~

Oh don't you dare look back
Just keep your eyes on me
I said you're holding back
She said shut up and dance with me

I've got a good feeling about you, and things are changing. Let the countdown begin.

Fit

I, a boy who fits in with neither gender cirle of friends

I, a boy whose body is decaying from the lack of medicine it needs

I, a boy who never outgrew playing pretend -with his family for the past 20 years

I, a boy who drowns in alcohol to silence his inner demons

I, a boy with no boyhood to recall, and whose childhood is one of confusion

I, a boy who is struggling to grow into an adulthood knowing the exact reason he won't fit in
I, a boy whose identity is not validated
I, a boy who is numb to internalizing his pain for fear of rejection
I, a boy who doesn't believe in relationships
I, a boy who seems unable to find any light at the end of the tunnel
I, a boy who lives every second of his life being reminded of his inadequacies
I, a boy who wants to be a good person, but genuinely doesn't know if that means struggling through his life as he is, or taking things into his own hands to be his true self
I, a boy who wonders if making decisions he believes in is as sinful as the damnation that others condemn him to
I, a boy whose problems are too embarassing and controversial to discuss
I, a boy who is unable to experience life to the fullest
I, a boy who can't be bothered with self-harm because that doesn't change anything 
I, a boy who isn't really living anymore

Edit;
I, a boy who doesn't want to die, but really doesn't mind it right now

Just Saying

Every day and every week
My words still ring so true
I'll never have, in my own words
A 'day to spend with you'

And though you try and though you say
You'll free a day for me
The only words I can reply
Is we'll have to wait and see

Sian

I'm sick and tired of people not making time to meet up. You too busy with your life? Fair, I'm not gonna bother fighting for your time anymore. Next time, you plan and I'll just show face if I'm, you know, not too busy with my life.