12.48 a.m.

Haven't been home past midnight for a long while now. I can smell the smoke on my shirt and my thumb burns for some odd reason.

There was a a worn out looking man playing beautiful music beneath the bridge and that was all that mattered.

22.9.2016

To put it simply, some nights I think that I would've made a good father. Maybe not the whole yard to the best dad in the world awards, but a decent paternal figure. There's some I know who'd suspect something would happen to them before they had a chance to be a parent, others yet we're sure, at the age of 16, that they wanted to name their first children Sean and Summer. Most days I've come to terms that my gene pool will spend its last days in this very body, other days I'd wallow in envy of those who can decide any old day "hey let's have a baby". Well, the majority of people that is. Though of course, adoption is a very real and very wonderful thing, I just wished.. I had the choice.

Most nights it feels like I've been robbed of the very basis of my life. My childhood, my identity, my choices, my future family.

I guess in this way I would never think of myself as worthy of being part of a woman's future. I simply cannot bring myself to rob another of the very choices I never had. It's cruel. I can love. Love love and give so much yet nothing I do can overcompensate for what I lack. I cannot in good conscience do such a thing to another human being, much less someone I love. But for those I love, I will, undoubtedly, give endlessly, wholly, and unconditionally. That is a choice that I can make.

Weds Night

You won't know how desaturated the colours around you are till someone comes along and the world turns a couple of hues brighter. And when they're not close by, the colours become a little dimmer once more, so you grab some brushes and paint and set off spilling colours on the walls around you. You're satisfied and pleased with yourself. Then one day they drop by for a visit and suddenly your painted walls just glow. It seems like no matter how happy and content you are with your life, their presence expands your capacity to feel happiness, it's completeness like you've never felt on your own. Completeness, maybe that's it. Two completely wholesome people, two 100 percents which somehow add up to 210%.

Flying

My mind keeps straying to Saturday and the short time we spent together. In those hours we shared, it felt like all my emotions had somewhere to go, and it felt as natural as if we had seen each other every week. I told you, in those last moments, that I never needed you to belong to me, to be able to keep you safe and loved when times go rough are enough as it is. After all you belong only to yourself and I simply want to be by your side as you work towards fulfilling your potential. A guiding hand, perhaps, or just a hand to hold, never one to own. I told you that you were the most beautiful person I had ever been blessed to meet, and that still stands true right now. And I told you that I love you, in all the meaning that love can give. You cried a little, and you pulled me a little closer, hugged me a little tighter, and in that instant I wanted to believe you felt the same way. I will miss you, and I know you wouldn't want to admit that to yourself even if you did. Most of your deepest feelings never seem to escape from the depths of your chest.

Suddenly my excitement for Australia just seems to ebb away.

Thurs Night

"you see angels, you see them in tiny porcelain figurines around your head, wispy, willowy, whispering. You're forgotten, they chorus, she's forgotten about you, your presence is a chore. A few of them snigger, the tiny fingers clasping their lips. You don't mean as much as you wish, she's more than happy on her own now, go away. Go away. A jeering singsong melody blossoms from a cluster of them. You crouch lower and will them to disappear, or are you? You're shrinking, or were they getting bigger, all you know is that the voices are louder, the jeering shriller, and suddenly you are cracking right in the many eyes of your doubts and fears"

Why I call them angels, I guess because every doubt has its childhood in hopes, and you can only ever lose trust in something you've invested your faith in.

Now

headache. panic. hungry. sick.