30/6/16

It's late and I can't fall back asleep. Funny how I told myself to wake up at 1am and well, here I am. My chest is all warm and uncomfortable and I wanna dip in ice.

29/6/2016

Pleased to hear that her birthday present has shipped out, probably will receive it tomorrow or the following day. Hope she'll find good use of it and takes good care of it. It encapsulates what she's like as a person, i'd like to think. Don't really have the mood to write and my nose keeps bleeding so well oh well. Life has been fresh and good and I'm just hoping my appetite will return soon.

Edit.
I've never quite grasped the feeling. It's like cycling uphill and you can feel you legs giving in, your calves sore and burning. But you pedal harder, you break a sweat and you force yourself to think about the cloud formations above, taste the wind grazing your skin. And after a while, that's all you begin to feel, the uphill climb begins to feel sweet and rewarding and you feel like you've conquered it all.

My sentiments every day, exactly. I make it my goal to conquer each day with tenacity and vigor.

But the pain hasn't really gone has it? Feeding off the sweetness doesn't make the poison go away. But this isn't poison, it is love, and heaven knows if there should be a cure for love at all. Because at the end of the uphill climb, at the overlooking perch over the city, I could smile down for all I want but I know deep inside me I'd rather be chasing her happiness instead. I'm happy, I'm at peace, but for all I'm worth I know where my words run to when I'm lonely, I know where my arms reach towards when I'm not, and I know very well that all that's left is an outline of where love used to lay.

27/06/2016

Well that's just the thing, I'm not.

I tell myself this is for the best, I tell myself this is the last thing I could do for you, but what I would give to meet you once more as an acquaintance who didn't really wanna talk to me. This must be what being evicted feels like, stripped of your home and possessions till you're left with blank white walls where your life used to reside. It's lonely, yes, but worse is seeking shelter in temporary places just to keep you dry when the rain pours. Guess only time will tell.

I haven't gotten over you.

26/6/2016

Now I'm in love with the world
But not through the eyes of a pretty girl
And till I see you again I won't miss you anymore

...

But I don't mind anymore, that you ain't
Like before, I've changed my mind
And I'm leaving this behind
And now I'm sure
That I'll be getting over you

- a small excerpt from last night (Over You, Cashew Chemists)

Edit-
You would've liked this song.

25/6/16

So some days you exist on a different plane of my memory, like some kind of black and white photograph in that album you keep on the shelf.

Other days I hear a song or walk through a place, and it's almost like you're right there.

23/6/2016

Is it selfish of me to risk losing it all for a chance to be who I am? My family, my home, my job, they all lay at the brink of what is to come.

I am terrified.

In less than 15 hours I will be with a stranger, alone, recounting my life to give him as accurate a diagnosis of me as he can.
In less than 16 hours, I may have a needle through my thigh, a shot at a new life.
In less than a week, I may lose all I have built in my family, I will lose trust and I will be humiliated as my story will be tossed about from ear to ear like a commentary.
In less than a month, I may lose my home as they decide they're worst off with a damaged child like me than to have no child at all.
In less than 3 months, I may lose my job to escape the judgement and humiliation of working under such conservative jurisdiction.
I may have just lost it all, but is being stripped bare to the bone worthy of being who is am, is it selfish of me to choose my integrity over the happiness of others?

I am terrified, i am alone, and I am starting to second guess my worth.

22/6/2016

The fact that you think I would do something to intentionally hurt you makes me sick. If I expressed my thoughts the wrong way I am sorry but you don't speak for me when you say I may or may not make you doubt your heart. You don't speak for who I am, every one else already does. I'm sorry I wasn't aware of my mistakes this whole time, I may be toxic and absolute shit but have no doubt that I have never meant to hurt you.

Just some ignorant vile piece of shit aren't I. And so in darkness I am surrounded and darkness I shall become.

21/6

painful as this is, I'm really proud of her for taking the necessary measures to heal. My one only regret is unknowingly destroying her spirit when I thought I was helping her lift it. At least this way I won't be able to hurt her anymore and if goodbye means she'll find herself and happiness once more then I'm happy for her. At least for here and now, there's no other direction to go but up, slowly but surely. And as for me, as terrified as I am to walk alone into that consultation room which quite possibly holds my future, it's a step I've got to take. Take good care of yourself Pamela.

20/6/16

it's time to take matters into my own hands, it's time to realign myself and grow towards a stronger mind, body and soul. Some days I make mistakes, but that won't stop me from taking two steps forward the next door of opportunity I open. Every day I will forgive myself for the mistakes of yesterday, and embark on a brand new chapter of growth. No more binge drinking, no more long hiatuses from working out, no more straying from my conversations with God. If I could pull myself from self harm once, twice, I can sure as hell pull myself together again and set the right foot forward each day. It's time to start living like a warrior, it's time to start living with purpose. I used to be disciplined, I used to be determined, I used to be hungry for personal growth. But while that old fire has since burnt out, I will rise once more from the ashes and start a new flame. My hands have gotten ugly these past 4 years or so, the skin is dry and flakey, there's calluses torn and torn again, my wrists are rings of bruises from the straps cutting into my skin. But with these two hands I've built myself once, and with these two hands I'll build myself once more.

To Sabrina, I can't thank you enough for leaving the light out back for days I can't handle myself. For you I'll do the same.

To Pamela, I'm sorry that things haven't been easy for you, that your best friend didn't turn out as you thought she'd be, and that I couldn't make things any better. I see you learning to be independent and I'm proud of you. But I also see your faith in yourself wavering, and it's gotten far too close to the point of "what does it matter" way too many times. I hope you'll be honest with yourself, and I hope you'll find the strength and determination to find your place in this world, and all the happiness along the way.

-

Must feel nice to know someone gives a shit about you. I miss the happines I used to have, the comfort I could find in her voice. I miss the simplicity in expressing my thoughts and emotions with no need for screening in case she might overthink my intentions. I miss being able to be there for someone, being able to care, being able to trust.

12/6/16

Honestly speaking, I miss her so much. I thought I was done and over it when over the past week or so but just seeing her that one time stopped me in my tracks. Maybe it was how stunning she looked that night, her birthday night, or it might have been how happy she looked surrounded by the people she cares about, whatever it was, it really made me miss spending time with her. Because I throroughly enjoy spending time with her, because I'm validated and can be completely myself around her, because she makes me a better person. She's courage in the face of fear, serenity amidst chaos, love in every sense of the word. I miss her so much.