31.12

Every year I spend the new year's on the floor of my room and this year will not be different. Thankfully there will be no crying this year because I am simply too tired running on 2 hours of sleep and I haven't been feeling well as I haven't been eating regularly the past few days.

Sometimes I think that parents are ignorant of hor their upbringing affects the development of their child. Though done out of goodwill, at times protectiveness isn't enough to keep your child safe from themselves. Through my childhood years, I've always packed food from home because it's 'better'. As a result, I never got the experience of buying food from the school stalls as a kid, and when I went into secondary school, I wouldn't eat until I'm out of school be it at 3pm or 7pm. As a result, I've grown up to be afraid and very anxious when it comes to ordering my own food. Now you know.

As a child, I was always encouraged to stay quiet because 'quiet kids are good kids' and so I never let myself participate in any activities even though I wanted to. It didn't help that I felt different, in a way, so I never felt like I could fit in with any clique per se. My parents never believed in so called western traditions, and so on to add on to the protectiveness, I was never allowed to go for a sleepover, even some camps, after school was for straight home and to study, and I never went to much parties. I can't say much has changed. Growing up this way, at a certain point I did start to believe that all this was right in every way and so I pretty much clung onto my mom's side for as long as I could remember because 'friends aren't important and will always leave when they don't need you but family will always be there'. As a result, forging friendships for me was always rather difficult. Getting to know someone is fine, but as soon as the friendship starts growing, I feel wrong for wanting the friendship to develop. That's why I tend to keep to myself in social situations, even in class per se, because I've always been taught that people have better things to do than to spend time with me. And unabled to attend these things only make me feel left out of what feels like moments to remember in my short life. Now you know.

At this point, there is no sadness anymore. There is just loneliness and unworthiness and these are my friends for the year.

26.12

well I'm not who I used to be either. I could say the same as you, I'm a different person now. The old me would fall asleep at 11 and tell you all about my dreams the next day. All I do now is cry myself to sleep at odd hours and wake up at 4.30 in the morning from nightmares and shake under the covers and call people who won't answer and cry myself to sleep again. Must be a really lonely existence.

I'm sorry for bothering everyone with my life

24.12 part 2

I now realise that whatever I wrote this morning is complete and utter bullshit about the possibility of her feeling the same way because no one who gives two shits about you would give a two word reply and ignore you for the rest of the day. I'm not even going to call it delayed response anymore, because half of what I said apparently doesn't process anyway. I'm trying, but it would be nice to know I matter to someone too.

Also I probably sprained my back.

The moon doesn't exist if nobody acknowledges its presence. And in a world where the moon doesn't exist, all we know of is a hole in the sky.

24/12

yesterday wasn't all I pictured it to be. To be fair I pictured the first time meeting up to be us sitting in a shopping mall service corridor. But well that didn't happen.

It felt easy to fall in love with someone like her. When talk comes naturally and you feel someone on your level, I guess it tends to be that way. I yearned to be closer to her, to hug her, it all sounds kind of stupid written down but it was a feeling of home I thought I'd forgotten. If this was a John Greene book, he'd probably write something like "I wanted to explore the world, but all the railways and road lines in the world only led me into her arms. Though who could complain if all I had been looking for was a place to rest my heavy lungs, and in her arms was what felt like home." For a few fleeting moments I could even fool myself to think that she loved me back, but of course she didn't say it; I don't blame her, for who would build a home of a canvas tent?

Now that the night's passed it feels like yesterday was almost surreal, like a brush with death where you see heaven's gates blinking in the light from afar and then next thing you know, you snap back to reality where the only lights are the incandescent hues above you on the hospital bed. It felt so natural, it felt so right, but now it all feels so far away. If someone doesn't love you anymore, there's nothing you can do about it isn't there?

Planes

these times I feel weighed down by anxiety when someone I care about is About to go on a lengthy journey on a plane. There's been so much going on in the airways that I find it almost necessary to feel this sort of fear. Of course I can't say it, but I pray for your safety and then you'll have a pleasant journey and that you'll make it home safe and sound.

20.12

the world works in funny ways. You ignore my messages, never pick up my calls, never have the time to skype, go from being nice to me one day and messaging me in your sleep to completely disregarding my existence in the next hour, allow anybody else but me to make plans with you cause somehow your schedule can be arranged to accommodate the many days they want to meet you and not the one day I arranged, and THEN you ask me what makes me think you don't wanna see me. If I'm burdening you with my friendship do let me know. If my friendship means something to you then do let me know as well because I'm not a mind reader and I can't read through your layers of apathy. And if there's something I did wrong then let me know too so I can understand why I suddenly don't exist to you.

You should know that you were absolutely wrong when you said that actions only affect us and nobody else. Cause this is proof right here that your actions affect the people around you. Sure this may be my caring too much but it sure is better than ignoring the people who care for you, love you, and miss you everyday. If we ask about you it means we care, it doesn't mean we're trying to put a lid on you or something. I don't know, maybe you could just tell us 'hey, I think I need some time alone for today', I'm sure that's easier to comprehend than blue ticks and cold shoulders. In moments of clarity, that's when you talk to the people around you about what's going on and don't let them think that they're not needed in your life.

I'm not angry at you, I'm really not and I know what depression can be like so I understand when you just want to shut the world out. we tend to think that we can handle all this on our own but sometimes it's really better to talk it out even if you don't feel like it. Thinking alone with ourselves and our demons can only lead to overthinking and that really isn't the best way to feel right now. I'll be here if you need a friend, till then, I hope you haven't forgotten my name.

19.12

i guess you can really tell how much you matter to someone from how much effort they take to remember you and I suppose from this I can tell that I don't matter that much after all.

Life has been bad, it's really grey and cloudy and I haven't been feeling well. I haven't eaten properly in a few days and I haven't gone to the gym in 5 days, so things really could be better.

At this point I feel like you hate me. And I'm scared of you.