Only Fools

I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on the hill and children's names
I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray
But everything is shattering and it's my mistake

Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall
Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall

Only this time I'm the fool for believing that anyone could've loved me for long enough. I laugh at bread that goes bad in a week, wonder if they laugh at humans with an expiry date.

Thirty Eleven

One day I will be the guy that a girl could bring home to her parents
One day I will be the guy who can express how much he loves the beach
One day I will be the guy who finally isn't shortchanged in results in comparison to effort
One day I will be the guy who isn't too afraid to fit in
One day I will be the guy who doesn't laugh at his own thoughts of getting married
One day I will be the guy who isn't too guilty to ask someone to stay
One day I will be the guy who is worth the struggle
One day I will be the guy who can see himself grow old
One day I will be the guy who's glad that he made it past crying every night
One day I will be the guy who's finally able to explore his ambitions beyond fixing himself
One day I will be the guy who's parents can finally be proud of him
One day I will be the guy who is a long term option, loveable, marryable
One day I will be the guy who is happy to learn to use a razor
One day I will be the guy doesnt need to prove himself anymore
One day I will be the guy who's glad he chose to fight

Today might not be that day, but one day it might.

Happily Never After

at this point I think I'm done with love.  I read once somewhere that said love isn't a feeling, but a choice. It isn't the stardust filled fairytale we all grew up to believe but days of tireless effort to make things work. And I guess I'm just not someone worth trying for, worth fighting for, worth waiting for. I never knew the certainty of the future, living on the brink of life and death each day has taught me that I may not be around tomorrow to see my fears come true. And living in darkness during most of my waking moments only taught me that when I find happiness, I must fight for it with all that I have. But what happens if it's happiness who chose to go? For me it's more about validation than romance. The chance to truly be myself around someone only once in a long long time. But now I know when the next chance comes not to take it for fear of putting all those I care about it pain. I can only fight for happiness that chooses to be fought for. But now I've come to realise that I'm just not meant to have happiness, at least not in this way; holding happiness in my arms is simply too much to ask for. I wouldn't call myself unlovable, but maybe just too difficult a battle. Loving me means you have to put on your armour and ride out into war, and really who am I kidding, who the hell wants to go to war? The happiness that love brings is only an illusion, and I'm done with life playing me for a fool. So the next time love comes knocking at my door, I'm bringing out the locks.

25.11

is it too much to ask for to have a little conversation for this one hour a morning. Or maybe this is the time you're busiest, I don't know. But it kinda sucks to have a one sentence reply throughout this long bus ride and after that I can't talk to you anymore. Feels..unfulfilling. I can't keep giving you my love with no notion of where it ends up, it's like I'm standing at the edge of the sand throwing salt into the sea. Whatever happened to looking forward to talking over Skype or telling me about your day, now I'm just another call in the schedule, another number to text.

30 What

At this point in time I'm ready to say screw 30, I don't even know if I can make it past 22. 

3, 2, 1. Bang bang.

Sunday Night Thoughts

These few days have been rough. I feel the sandpaper hands of dysphoria wearing down my resolve. The class gathering is a no-go. After all, there really isn't much more to it than being an overglorified boys club reunion from which I feel left out. I can already imagine the exact scenarios that will take place, the topics of conversation, the lengthy lapses of awkward silence between conversations, and so far none of it seems too inviting. After all, my clearest memories from the classroom are shaming myself for biting my tongue instead of, well, honestly punching someone in the throat. I don't have good memories of the class, it all seems painfully forced, everybody pecking at everybody's weakest spots in hopes to fit in with what you brush off as a cheap joke. There's nothing to be lost with my absence. 

These days everybody seems to be caught up in their problems. Must be the big changes we're going through, the beginning of nine-to-fives, university, new schools and new countries, new people, there's too much to get caught up in. The people I do talk to, are mostly happy time talkers, the people I discuss things with, fill my time with, distract myself with. The people, person, perhaps, I can talk to about my problems is far too busy to even approach any conceivable topic apart from current life affairs, and honestly I'm quite lost at the lack of concern from that side. I just don't feel enough right now, the feeling of lacking is very overwhelming. But every day I brush it off to save as another story for another time, until it slowly develops into a constant dull pain at the back of your head that you can't fathom or pinpoint where it's from. It's a mixture of unwantedness and taken for granted, neglect and lacking, the secondhand feeling of a convenient friend. Combine that with a war against your ugly body every day and it's a surprise I haven't ripped my flesh apart. 

Anyhow it's been a while since I've written and I suppose it feels sort of relieving to pen down my thoughts. It's a little messy now but I bet when my thoughts are more concise and organized then these little notes will be clearer. Goodnight.