4 Days to Christmas

I had a dream last night that was one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. Its a little late to jot it down now but I'll try to write what I can remember. I remember walking towards the market place or something with my mom, and behind some bushes under a block there were these two people. We walked through towards the them, and turns out it was well, her, with her mom and they were feeding some cats that were gathered around them. We talked for a bit.

Scene cut, and next thing I know, I was at a supermarket with her and her mom, and we were getting some vegetables and stuff for dinner. We wandered off and went to pick up some stuff, and walked over to meet her mom at the cashier to pay for the items. Her mom was ahead, and I was leaning against the metal railing, and she came closer and leaned in against me, and I breathed her in and somehow I could feel her smiling, and I smiled, and I realised that her mom was right there so I pushed her back a little. We headed back to her house a while, but I waited outside, and somehow or rather I hurt myself or got sick or something, and she told me to come inside, and I remember being secretly happy and all. I remember trying to take in as much of her house as I could, because I was afraid that this was gonna be the last time that I would be in her house, the place in which she grew up, the environment she eats, sleeps, works, and plays in. I remember watching her cook a meal, and resting my head on her shoulder, and we were close. Then my illness, whatever it was, got a little bit bad, so she made me go rest while my mom was on the way to pick me up. At this point, suddenly my cat ran in through the door, and lay down on the floor and started panting, because he was being chased by either a kitten or a hoard of cats outside.

Next thing I knew, I got a secret message on my phone telling me to report to duty. Somehow I knew to look under the bed, because there was a purple, single pilot plane right underneath. The cockpit opened from the top and I slid in, and in the initial moments right before take off, it was pretty dark because the plane was coating itself to prevent detection on enemy screens and I was a little scared that I wouldnt be able to see where I was flying, except for the tiny orange monitor that had little blurry maps on it. But soon after, it all cleared up and just before I took off, the interior of the cockpit almost became seamless with the exterior, as if there was no glass separating inside and outside. I got the hang of it soon enough and flew over mountains with castles on top as well as giant rivers connecting different mountains. I remember the exhilarating heart-drop as my plane dipped down the mountains and though I wasn't at all aware what the mission actually was, I know that at one point, I landed on a castle top, shot down some guards, and some soldiers ran up and I managed to run back to my plane and take off just in time.

Eventually I flew back (into?) her house and well, yeah. Can't really remember what happened that. Strange thing is that I've been busy convincing myself that she's long gone for the past four days now, didn't expect her to suddenly star in my dream last night.

5 Days to Christmas

First of all let's talk about progress. Ran into a couple of seniors that I haven seen in a while today at the gym and they said that I've grown bigger. Just changed up my routines per day so my body's still adjusting to the change and is worn out as hell. Body fat still pretty high and I'm guessing it's because I haven't ran in ages, but still within acceptable range. Once I start shredding i'll start hitting sprints again so that will tame it down. My weight has gone up to 67.3 kg , just about 2 kilos short of my goal and I'm still working to get it there before I cut down again.

I think I'm reaching the stage in life where I want to take charge of my own life and actually do things to reach my goals. Where I would've sat and wished upon a shooting star in the past, now I would plan out how I intend to reach anything I want. I've been going to school for the past two weeks during hols for consultations with my teacher to buck up on my schoolwork, and getting in a couple hours at the gym before grabbing lunch and heading back to spend time with the family/continue with schoolwork. I've gotten two jobs, a part time job at an ice cream place near my house to earn my fair bit of money, as well as with an engineering company to do some designs for them for relatively fast lump sums ($200 per drawing, anyone?). I intend to keep the ice cream job for the year or so, probably taking a break during my internship at an architectural firm, which will pay me a minimum of 500 per month, probably enough to get me buy. Goal is to get the money in my bank back to par as it was before, and even beyond if I can. I guess it's also a good way to teach myself to manage my time properly and control my own actions and it's consequences. I'd like to be able to stand on my own feet. Lifting is teaching me a thing or two about that as well, and maybe at this point I'll just pause to write down some things that it has instilled in me:

1. Always confront your fears. No matter how afraid you are or how small you feel, or if it's something you've never done before, attempt it with two feet in and learn from whatever outcome it brings. This can be applied to working too. If you've never applied for a job by yourself before, but you know you want or need to, do it. If you've never met a client before and have no idea how to deal with it, get some insight and go ahead with it. Everyone starts somewhere, and starting is a good step towards being good at something. 

2. You don't stop when you're tired, you stop when you're done. Perseverance is key. Sure you may take some time or even a lot of time to master something but the time will pass anyway so might as well make full use of the seconds you might otherwise waste. I learnt to use a schedule to do this, because I found that it works for me, where I complete what I have for the day be it late or early, in which case I have spare time to take a break or continue the next day's work. 

3. Push yourself beyond limits. Like they say, the circle in which are things you are comfortable with, and the circle in which are the things that make life worthwhile, do not overlap. Pushing yourself beyond your limits will often induce a lot of pain, but only through this pain will you grow. Because your body actually sees the need for itself to improve to deal with the pain next time, instead of something your body can already naturally cope with. Similarly, don't limit yourself with the possibilities of education. There is a checklist to follow, but if you can do more than that, do it. Prove to others, prove to yourself that you are better, that you are capable of independent exploration and not just some dog on a leash paid to impress.

4. Have a game plan. Before any routine, in order for it to be successful, I usually do quite a bit of planning beforehand. To ensure that all parts of the muscle group are being targeted, to ensure that smaller muscles do not fatigue by the middle of the routine, to know exactly what I want to achieve and how I aim to do it. When doing work, it's the same thing with the schedule. I tend to plan for failure, so I put breaks in between to make sure I have some time to catch up in case I'm unable to finish any required tasks on any day. I give myself sufficient time, so that if I were to finish my work early today, I have a choice to rest, or to do some work for tomorrow. If I do that, I'll be making use of the momentum and that also means I'll have less work to do tomorrow. If I rest however, I'll still be on track to complete my given assignment.

5. Your mind fails before your body does. Most of the time, it's my mind telling me that I'm tired that causes my body to slow down. It is my duty however, to train my mind to follow my commands. So when I say "one more", my body will automatically carry out the task without question. I think that having utter and complete control over your mind is a powerful skill, but a difficult one to acquire as well.

A classmate of mine will be having a BBQ party right before school starts and I'm looking forward to seeing her there. I've told myself at least thirty times in my head today that I don't like her but I still can't help looking forward to being around her and just hoping to talk like old friends again. I guess I miss the way it was then and my mind keeps replaying all these scenes and trying to make my miss people. Keeps replaying north point and bus 812 too for some reason, and I remember being completely wrecked and in pain, sitting on the metal dividers at the bus interchange at this point of time last year. Looks like I've come a long way and seems like I grew up so much in a year but I'm thankful this time passed by. A friend that I fell out with earlier this term did something odd the other day though, at the gym. I was sitting on the floor talking to a friend when she broke away from her canoe group to walk over, ruffle my hair, grab her water bottle and walk back. I thought we fell out? And this is exactly why I will never understand women.

10 Days to Christmas

Can't believe two years has passed since I went to watch a Christmas play at a church in my work attire because I had to rush to work after. Back then my heart was with one girl, and now it's just as at home with another.

7 things that I wish I could tell you:

1. I'm very proud of you. When I loom through your old photos and look at who you are now it's like you've grown so much as a person. You're growing from a girl to a lady and I thoroughly enjoy watching that and would love to see how you'd grow up to be. I show you off to my friends because I'm awed at what you do and who you've become and I wanna be there every step of the way.

2. Scold me more. When you scold me, it shows you're listening and have an opinion on what I had said. It's tons better than you being indifferent about the topic because let's face it, most of the time you have something to say. And it's also nice to have your attention on me for a while, just saying.

3. I really wish you'd be frank with me. About everything, really, how you are, how we are, how you feel. Because I can't help feeling that you're hiding some things because you feel that they're for my own good. But sometimes I also feel that you're hiding them because it's easier than to face the truth.

4. You look amazing in dresses. As much as black makes the cut, a dark blue one would suit you so much though. The navy will bring out the sophistication and intelligent feel that we're so familiar with when watching you present on your projects. But either way, when you wear a dress to school, I cannot help staring. I can't look away, sue me.

5. A dream of mine is to have you cook for me. I always enjoy people cooking for me, but coming from someone who can cook proper meals, especially you of all people, will be something else. I don't mean this to be offensive, but I've seen you washing a glass to get me water at a friend's house, and there was just some part of me that whimpered inside because you were really like a little wife and it was adorable. 

6. Falling asleep next to you was the best thing ever. The only thing I regret was not being able to stay up longer until you fell asleep, or being able to wake up earlier so I could be the one to wake you up in the morning. It was comfortable and I hope that wasn't the last time.

7. I don't quite like the idea of you going clubbing. Even if it's just to see them get drunk. I know my friend's there and he can take care of you all, but I'd rather be there to personally take you home and make sure you're alright. I'm not against you having fun but clubbing..people do things when they're high, and I don't want anything to happen to you.