This Week

Good job this week. Don't let off the steam, don't burn out, just keep going at it one day at a time. Sure, you may be tired now, but take it day by day and the time will all pass eventually. You will get stronger. Just keep going. Heads up.

She can't keep any eye contact with you as it turns out.

The Ones That Couldn't Be

This post is just for you, and I hope it offers as much closure for myself in letting you go.

I just thought about it just now, funny, we could've been together half a year by now. A friend asked me, "do you still like her?" And my answer to that was "it's past the point of liking". After all, I suppose liking alone doesn't encompass caring about someone's happiness more than your own, wanting the best for them even if it's nothing to do with you, but that's exactly how I feel. Hence I wasn't lying when I said I'm more concerned with being friends, I really do just want to be in a position whereby I'm able to witness your growth as a person. Funny. I've fallen in love with you over and over again. It'll be hard to say I'm over you because it might just very well be in a cycle like how we are very well used to. With you, I find myself changing, growing. Since you, I've found myself grown. 

Backtrack one year and I find myself a selfish, happy go lucky, rebellious boy who honestly thought a relationship might be based off one's massive dependence on the other. After the break up with my ex girlfriend it seemed like I would never find another that I would love half as much. And then I met you. And of course it was nothing like love at first sight, you were the kinda nerdy bespectacled girl with straight As and full attendance and I was the alcoholic who barely turned up for any morning classes at all. But I talked to you, I got to know you, and I found myself getting drawn towards you day after day. 

The first time I fell for you didn't end well. I struck too fast, you were caught off guard, and you reeled back faster than I could catch you. We didn't speak for a few months then, each wary of the other. I ended up liking another girl, someone I would go home with every day, and I thought to myself, how convenient would it be to love someone who lives just a few stops down from you. We would take the bus past the town and occasionally drop by for dinner or a night movie or just a walk around the posh neon label shops. I remember how they'd say you should always take a girl to watch a horror film because she's mistaken the adrenaline rushes as love, and I guess it worked. We'd huddle on the bus when it was cold and the little droplets of condensation would race each other down the glass, and she'd fall asleep with her cheek on my shoulder and her arm around mine. But that was as far as it would go. I loved her more than she did me, and it just wouldn't work out. In her words, "you loved the wrong girl", and though at the time I never believed it, i suppose I must've known all along because the moment I confessed was the same moment I knew it was wrong. A few times when our fingers entangled I caught myself thinking about you, and I remember being so confused about it because I thought you were long gone. I was wrong, wrong. Always wrong.

It was then that we reached the peak of our friendship, you had a boy chasing you, and we were making plans on how to boycott a dinner without being too obvious. I should've seen it then, how you accidentally rested your head on my shoulder once and I jumped in surprise, how your hand lingered for a moment after you hit me, oh a rough one you were. I remember you stabbed me with a bottle for refusing to leave your seat. We'd argue, we'd always argue, and I've never quite liked arguing as much as I did with you. I remember that one lesson, where you had to go for a scholarship talk after and had to be in formal attire, and you wore this black dress. That black dress. Colour me cliche but I couldn't take my eyes of you if I tried. Friends said it was a tight dress but it wasn't just the dress and incredible just doesn't cut it. 

You were elegant, classy, and sexy in thick rim glasses and a tight dress. 

I was a puddle on the floor. 

I loved you in glasses, I've always loved you in glasses. These thick rim, a-little-bit-too-big-on-you glasses are my favourite, not that I've seen you wear many others, but these suit you. And I know you've always preferred to take photos without them on, and sometimes you forget about them until they slip off the tip of your nose, but I guess that's alright with me. And though by the time we got to clubbing for your birthday I was still holding back, I already knew you'd caught me by the cuff and got me reeling back.

The clubbing wasn't a very good experience. I was unaware and I wish I could renew the experience with you. I wish I had stayed awake longer that night when we were laying next to each other on Pam's bed. And I wish I knew then that you felt the same way toward me that I did towards you. You already knew then. You went ahead to ask your mother but she said no. And just like my ex girlfriend, you couldn't go on loving me for too long.

"If I'd wanted a fling with you, I would've stayed. But I wanted a forever, and that's why I'm leaving."

And that's exactly what happened with you as well. When you were in japan and I was in Italy, it was already over. We were in the afterglow of making love. That was the first time you scolded me after I didn't reply you for three days straight because I didn't have access to wifi, but you scolded me because you missed me. You and I were busy picking out dresses and shirts for each other when in fact we were just dressing up to leave. You and I on our own little trip, wishing we could be with other to make an adventure for two. You and I were maniacs in love, smiling at our phones in your sunrise, and my sunset, halfway across the world. But the afterglow will soon fade into monotonous routine, and as it did, our friendship struggled to exist. 

Today, I stand a different person. Watch you fret work after work has inspired me to be a responsible person, listening to how you struggled with your parents' divorce, leaving you to take the mom' role in the family, that taught me to take responsibility for my actions and my life. I've stopped drinking, I now work a double job, I'm engaging in competitions, and I'm taking responsibility for my education and my future. That's how you changed me. And I'm thankful for that, thankful for you, even if we only ever will be "just friends".

Jumping

I jump too fast. I find a person that I might be able to get close to, I immediately jump two feet in and next I know, I'm six feet underwater. I always blow it. I need to learn to slow down.

Thoughts

Sins don't start when you reach puberty. They begin when you become aware. You're aware that what you're doing is wrong, you understand why, but you do it regardless. The logic that it happens when you reach puberty is because the time lines intersect, nothing more. You can almost imagine it this way:

Man 1: so when are my wrongs considered sins?

Man 2: when you're aware of it

Man 1: and when exactly is that?

Man 2: can't say for sure, usually should be after you hit puberty

Man 1-world: your wrongs are sins once you hit puberty

It's so simple, how did I not realise all along.

Meeting the Ex

So..I ran into my ex yesterday in town. Twice actually, as if once wasn't surprising enough. If it didn't right out stun me, the incident was funny enough. Because my friend and I were talking about it over lunch, about how she's working in town now. And I was harping on about how we should accidentally drop by and like "oh what a surprise to see you here!" and making guesses as to how awkward it would be. That was lunch. 

Then we were walking towards the mall which she works at (just so happens) and we decided to go into a nearby building to walk around for a little bit. We weren't really looking for anything so yeah, we quickly wanted to get out, then my friend was saying something about some store in town having a 50% sale and the first thing I burst out with was 'edit' (shop my ex works at) and I just stopped there to laugh at myself for a bit and then I turned and "wtf." Because *waves magic fingers* there she was with 3 or so friends outside some accessory shop that she used to always go to for feather earrings and stuff. Call me stupid, but my first thought that my mind was conjuring things. So I turned to nudge my friend but as I was doing that, I heard her speak, and okay there's no mistaking that voice. I didn't know whether to laugh or be awkward but my heart just dropped dead and yaknow in all those stories where they talk about their knees going weak, yeah. So I just smiled and waved and so did she. Guess she must've been like "wtf" too cos she looked like I was the last person she wanted to see hahah.

I was pretty edgy after that, but I told my friend that actually I wanted to ask my ex for my book back. I really want that book back, I don't normally give out my books. But oh well the opportunity had passed so we went on to h&m to walk around. All throughout the walk around, my friend kept trying to knock my nerves out, kept nudging me unnecessarily and stuff. And then. As we were going down the escalator, my friend started going "editediteditedit" pretty loudly, thank goodness the escalator was facing the rear of the building, because when we made the u-turn to the exit, again. Again there she was, with just one friend this time. Even her friends look like her oh gosh. Same reactions. I never did ask for my book back, I was kinda muted really, couldn't bring myself to even say hi. 

Don't really know how to feel about the whole thing, I just feel..tired and like it was unreal cos we haven't met in so long. She was wearing a purple dress and the whole works, makeup (I usually meet her after school so I'm used to seeing her with and without), contacts (standard), and red hair (this is new to me). I looked like I got hit by a hurricane hahahah. She looks mature, like really really mature, it's as if I dated her when she was 16 and now she's 24. Still gives off that bitchy vibe hahah, I don't know maybe I feel it more now that I'm on the other side, but she looks like she's doing good, so that's good. Hey, I mean her mom let her get a job finally, that's some clearance too. But I really don't get the thing she wore(wears?) around her head that makes me think that she's gonna transform into some superwoman anime character anytime, not that it's for me to get anyway. But oh well, she's happy with her bf, and I'm happy with my women and many confusing stories and I'm just as happy taking my time with relationships so I guess it's a win-win situation.

4 Days to Christmas

I had a dream last night that was one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. Its a little late to jot it down now but I'll try to write what I can remember. I remember walking towards the market place or something with my mom, and behind some bushes under a block there were these two people. We walked through towards the them, and turns out it was well, her, with her mom and they were feeding some cats that were gathered around them. We talked for a bit.

Scene cut, and next thing I know, I was at a supermarket with her and her mom, and we were getting some vegetables and stuff for dinner. We wandered off and went to pick up some stuff, and walked over to meet her mom at the cashier to pay for the items. Her mom was ahead, and I was leaning against the metal railing, and she came closer and leaned in against me, and I breathed her in and somehow I could feel her smiling, and I smiled, and I realised that her mom was right there so I pushed her back a little. We headed back to her house a while, but I waited outside, and somehow or rather I hurt myself or got sick or something, and she told me to come inside, and I remember being secretly happy and all. I remember trying to take in as much of her house as I could, because I was afraid that this was gonna be the last time that I would be in her house, the place in which she grew up, the environment she eats, sleeps, works, and plays in. I remember watching her cook a meal, and resting my head on her shoulder, and we were close. Then my illness, whatever it was, got a little bit bad, so she made me go rest while my mom was on the way to pick me up. At this point, suddenly my cat ran in through the door, and lay down on the floor and started panting, because he was being chased by either a kitten or a hoard of cats outside.

Next thing I knew, I got a secret message on my phone telling me to report to duty. Somehow I knew to look under the bed, because there was a purple, single pilot plane right underneath. The cockpit opened from the top and I slid in, and in the initial moments right before take off, it was pretty dark because the plane was coating itself to prevent detection on enemy screens and I was a little scared that I wouldnt be able to see where I was flying, except for the tiny orange monitor that had little blurry maps on it. But soon after, it all cleared up and just before I took off, the interior of the cockpit almost became seamless with the exterior, as if there was no glass separating inside and outside. I got the hang of it soon enough and flew over mountains with castles on top as well as giant rivers connecting different mountains. I remember the exhilarating heart-drop as my plane dipped down the mountains and though I wasn't at all aware what the mission actually was, I know that at one point, I landed on a castle top, shot down some guards, and some soldiers ran up and I managed to run back to my plane and take off just in time.

Eventually I flew back (into?) her house and well, yeah. Can't really remember what happened that. Strange thing is that I've been busy convincing myself that she's long gone for the past four days now, didn't expect her to suddenly star in my dream last night.

5 Days to Christmas

First of all let's talk about progress. Ran into a couple of seniors that I haven seen in a while today at the gym and they said that I've grown bigger. Just changed up my routines per day so my body's still adjusting to the change and is worn out as hell. Body fat still pretty high and I'm guessing it's because I haven't ran in ages, but still within acceptable range. Once I start shredding i'll start hitting sprints again so that will tame it down. My weight has gone up to 67.3 kg , just about 2 kilos short of my goal and I'm still working to get it there before I cut down again.

I think I'm reaching the stage in life where I want to take charge of my own life and actually do things to reach my goals. Where I would've sat and wished upon a shooting star in the past, now I would plan out how I intend to reach anything I want. I've been going to school for the past two weeks during hols for consultations with my teacher to buck up on my schoolwork, and getting in a couple hours at the gym before grabbing lunch and heading back to spend time with the family/continue with schoolwork. I've gotten two jobs, a part time job at an ice cream place near my house to earn my fair bit of money, as well as with an engineering company to do some designs for them for relatively fast lump sums ($200 per drawing, anyone?). I intend to keep the ice cream job for the year or so, probably taking a break during my internship at an architectural firm, which will pay me a minimum of 500 per month, probably enough to get me buy. Goal is to get the money in my bank back to par as it was before, and even beyond if I can. I guess it's also a good way to teach myself to manage my time properly and control my own actions and it's consequences. I'd like to be able to stand on my own feet. Lifting is teaching me a thing or two about that as well, and maybe at this point I'll just pause to write down some things that it has instilled in me:

1. Always confront your fears. No matter how afraid you are or how small you feel, or if it's something you've never done before, attempt it with two feet in and learn from whatever outcome it brings. This can be applied to working too. If you've never applied for a job by yourself before, but you know you want or need to, do it. If you've never met a client before and have no idea how to deal with it, get some insight and go ahead with it. Everyone starts somewhere, and starting is a good step towards being good at something. 

2. You don't stop when you're tired, you stop when you're done. Perseverance is key. Sure you may take some time or even a lot of time to master something but the time will pass anyway so might as well make full use of the seconds you might otherwise waste. I learnt to use a schedule to do this, because I found that it works for me, where I complete what I have for the day be it late or early, in which case I have spare time to take a break or continue the next day's work. 

3. Push yourself beyond limits. Like they say, the circle in which are things you are comfortable with, and the circle in which are the things that make life worthwhile, do not overlap. Pushing yourself beyond your limits will often induce a lot of pain, but only through this pain will you grow. Because your body actually sees the need for itself to improve to deal with the pain next time, instead of something your body can already naturally cope with. Similarly, don't limit yourself with the possibilities of education. There is a checklist to follow, but if you can do more than that, do it. Prove to others, prove to yourself that you are better, that you are capable of independent exploration and not just some dog on a leash paid to impress.

4. Have a game plan. Before any routine, in order for it to be successful, I usually do quite a bit of planning beforehand. To ensure that all parts of the muscle group are being targeted, to ensure that smaller muscles do not fatigue by the middle of the routine, to know exactly what I want to achieve and how I aim to do it. When doing work, it's the same thing with the schedule. I tend to plan for failure, so I put breaks in between to make sure I have some time to catch up in case I'm unable to finish any required tasks on any day. I give myself sufficient time, so that if I were to finish my work early today, I have a choice to rest, or to do some work for tomorrow. If I do that, I'll be making use of the momentum and that also means I'll have less work to do tomorrow. If I rest however, I'll still be on track to complete my given assignment.

5. Your mind fails before your body does. Most of the time, it's my mind telling me that I'm tired that causes my body to slow down. It is my duty however, to train my mind to follow my commands. So when I say "one more", my body will automatically carry out the task without question. I think that having utter and complete control over your mind is a powerful skill, but a difficult one to acquire as well.

A classmate of mine will be having a BBQ party right before school starts and I'm looking forward to seeing her there. I've told myself at least thirty times in my head today that I don't like her but I still can't help looking forward to being around her and just hoping to talk like old friends again. I guess I miss the way it was then and my mind keeps replaying all these scenes and trying to make my miss people. Keeps replaying north point and bus 812 too for some reason, and I remember being completely wrecked and in pain, sitting on the metal dividers at the bus interchange at this point of time last year. Looks like I've come a long way and seems like I grew up so much in a year but I'm thankful this time passed by. A friend that I fell out with earlier this term did something odd the other day though, at the gym. I was sitting on the floor talking to a friend when she broke away from her canoe group to walk over, ruffle my hair, grab her water bottle and walk back. I thought we fell out? And this is exactly why I will never understand women.