17.07

Sometimes I can't fall asleep because I lay awake thinking about death. I am young, and I am surrounded by such healthy, ambitious individuals that the idea of one of us dying would come as a shock. I wouldn't say I fear death in itself, but I fear the mask it might wear as it approaches. Would it be a long spell of suffering, several minutes of crushing pain, or would it come slow and most welcome after all the people I love have long since perished?

I don't want to take this life for granted, nor the people I love, because in a heartbeat, we extinguish so easily like a candle in the wind.

Who do you love

are the people you love the same as the ones you thank? The person who knows exactly what to say at the right time, the person who gave you all they knew, the person who saw your worth, the person who showed you how to fight your demons, the person who draws the line when you don't see it, the person you always turn back to, are they all different people, or all one and the same?

26 May

i read your post over four times. I admit I glossed it over first time through because I doubt my own prowess in handling my fears come alive. All I have to say is this. That if hurting me was what you were going for, then you've succeeded. I have felt forgotten, neglected, lonely, and hurt all in a short span of about a month. But maybe had expected too much of a person and my expectations had fallen short. Maybe it had been too much of me to expect more than just a 'happy birthday', too much of me to expect a 'good luck' on a the day of my interview. Maybe it was too much of me to expect a 'take care' before my backpacking trip to Vietnam, definitely too much to ask how my trip went, too much to expect a goodbye at the end of a call, too much to expect a reply anyways. Yet you always told me never to expect anything at all.

So I Guess I should have expected that.

16 May

i can't love you anymore.
I can listen, but how do I trust someone who lets my pleas for help fall on deaf ears
I can try, but trying so hard only seems to make you think I'll always be here
I can be, but second guessing as second nature is futile in a second hand friend
I can talk, but one way conversations are better in my head
I can forget, but clearly you've got the upper hand on that already
I can forgive, but you apologise and do it all over again

I can't love you anymore, because feeling invisible and worthless go hand in hand, and I deserve more than that.

Don't know the date

you lied to me. After all the things you said to my face you turn around and go complain all about me to your friends. You don't like me at all do you? Just saying things to spare my feelings. Hold my hands and cry into my shoulder and just turn around after all that and pretend I was the only one who wanted this. Maybe you're just the same as her, can't be honest for nuts.

8-4

i don't know how you can, in your consciousness, do this to someone. I'm so humiliated yet I think I bring it upon myself.

28/02

honestly what I've learnt this past year is that everyone is selfish to some extent. Everyone wants to talk about themselves, everyone wants someone to care, everyone wants what they think they deserve. No one gives a shit, and its best to live remembering that fact. Some people are true, and they are rare to come by, cherish their presence. Some can patiently watch you slip into a pit.The others just have you there by obligation or for your service. It's kind of pathetic, but you'll stay regardless.