26 May

i read your post over four times. I admit I glossed it over first time through because I doubt my own prowess in handling my fears come alive. All I have to say is this. That if hurting me was what you were going for, then you've succeeded. I have felt forgotten, neglected, lonely, and hurt all in a short span of about a month. But maybe had expected too much of a person and my expectations had fallen short. Maybe it had been too much of me to expect more than just a 'happy birthday', too much of me to expect a 'good luck' on a the day of my interview. Maybe it was too much of me to expect a 'take care' before my backpacking trip to Vietnam, definitely too much to ask how my trip went, too much to expect a goodbye at the end of a call, too much to expect a reply anyways. Yet you always told me never to expect anything at all.

So I Guess I should have expected that.

16 May

i can't love you anymore.
I can listen, but how do I trust someone who lets my pleas for help fall on deaf ears
I can try, but trying so hard only seems to make you think I'll always be here
I can be, but second guessing as second nature is futile in a second hand friend
I can talk, but one way conversations are better in my head
I can forget, but clearly you've got the upper hand on that already
I can forgive, but you apologise and do it all over again

I can't love you anymore, because feeling invisible and worthless go hand in hand, and I deserve more than that.

Don't know the date

you lied to me. After all the things you said to my face you turn around and go complain all about me to your friends. You don't like me at all do you? Just saying things to spare my feelings. Hold my hands and cry into my shoulder and just turn around after all that and pretend I was the only one who wanted this. Maybe you're just the same as her, can't be honest for nuts.

8-4

i don't know how you can, in your consciousness, do this to someone. I'm so humiliated yet I think I bring it upon myself.

28/02

honestly what I've learnt this past year is that everyone is selfish to some extent. Everyone wants to talk about themselves, everyone wants someone to care, everyone wants what they think they deserve. No one gives a shit, and its best to live remembering that fact. Some people are true, and they are rare to come by, cherish their presence. Some can patiently watch you slip into a pit.The others just have you there by obligation or for your service. It's kind of pathetic, but you'll stay regardless.

31-1

No one reads this blog anymore, and from what I gather, people assume that I've been doing fine. In the past five years or so, this must be as far from fine as I have been. There's no one around, and I'm starting to learn that no one puts anyone else before themselves anymore. I can no longer turn to anyone for help without feeling like a terrible burden, which leaves me feeling worse than before, and the poison just keeps festering inside of me it feels like a parasite feeding on my negativity. I'm living in constant fear of my surroundings and I'm slowly losing my sense of self. My chest constantly caves in to pain and I haven't been able to sleep much. But I'm not worried because there's nothing to lose, the part of me that's alive is so minuscule that it won't matter if the larger part of me dies off. It's not real.

"Less than human, less than the meanest ghost"

4am

i can't sleep. And I guess I haven't known loneliness till I wake up at 4 in the morning with the whole world turning its back on me.

What do you do when you are so sure about something, about talking to someone, or going somewhere, but it just refuses to align. It almost feels like fate is avoiding you. I have so much on my mind but no one to talk to. Because those who promised they care, I guess they found out they care less than they thought.

I was so thrilled, so excited at the prospect of you being back. But that's all to it.
It's hurting so.