26/6/2016

Now I'm in love with the world
But not through the eyes of a pretty girl
And till I see you again I won't miss you anymore

...

But I don't mind anymore, that you ain't
Like before, I've changed my mind
And I'm leaving this behind
And now I'm sure
That I'll be getting over you

- a small excerpt from last night (Over You, Cashew Chemists)

Edit-
You would've liked this song.

25/6/16

So some days you exist on a different plane of my memory, like some kind of black and white photograph in that album you keep on the shelf.

Other days I hear a song or walk through a place, and it's almost like you're right there.

23/6/2016

Is it selfish of me to risk losing it all for a chance to be who I am? My family, my home, my job, they all lay at the brink of what is to come.

I am terrified.

In less than 15 hours I will be with a stranger, alone, recounting my life to give him as accurate a diagnosis of me as he can.
In less than 16 hours, I may have a needle through my thigh, a shot at a new life.
In less than a week, I may lose all I have built in my family, I will lose trust and I will be humiliated as my story will be tossed about from ear to ear like a commentary.
In less than a month, I may lose my home as they decide they're worst off with a damaged child like me than to have no child at all.
In less than 3 months, I may lose my job to escape the judgement and humiliation of working under such conservative jurisdiction.
I may have just lost it all, but is being stripped bare to the bone worthy of being who is am, is it selfish of me to choose my integrity over the happiness of others?

I am terrified, i am alone, and I am starting to second guess my worth.

22/6/2016

The fact that you think I would do something to intentionally hurt you makes me sick. If I expressed my thoughts the wrong way I am sorry but you don't speak for me when you say I may or may not make you doubt your heart. You don't speak for who I am, every one else already does. I'm sorry I wasn't aware of my mistakes this whole time, I may be toxic and absolute shit but have no doubt that I have never meant to hurt you.

Just some ignorant vile piece of shit aren't I. And so in darkness I am surrounded and darkness I shall become.

21/6

painful as this is, I'm really proud of her for taking the necessary measures to heal. My one only regret is unknowingly destroying her spirit when I thought I was helping her lift it. At least this way I won't be able to hurt her anymore and if goodbye means she'll find herself and happiness once more then I'm happy for her. At least for here and now, there's no other direction to go but up, slowly but surely. And as for me, as terrified as I am to walk alone into that consultation room which quite possibly holds my future, it's a step I've got to take. Take good care of yourself Pamela.

20/6/16

it's time to take matters into my own hands, it's time to realign myself and grow towards a stronger mind, body and soul. Some days I make mistakes, but that won't stop me from taking two steps forward the next door of opportunity I open. Every day I will forgive myself for the mistakes of yesterday, and embark on a brand new chapter of growth. No more binge drinking, no more long hiatuses from working out, no more straying from my conversations with God. If I could pull myself from self harm once, twice, I can sure as hell pull myself together again and set the right foot forward each day. It's time to start living like a warrior, it's time to start living with purpose. I used to be disciplined, I used to be determined, I used to be hungry for personal growth. But while that old fire has since burnt out, I will rise once more from the ashes and start a new flame. My hands have gotten ugly these past 4 years or so, the skin is dry and flakey, there's calluses torn and torn again, my wrists are rings of bruises from the straps cutting into my skin. But with these two hands I've built myself once, and with these two hands I'll build myself once more.

To Sabrina, I can't thank you enough for leaving the light out back for days I can't handle myself. For you I'll do the same.

To Pamela, I'm sorry that things haven't been easy for you, that your best friend didn't turn out as you thought she'd be, and that I couldn't make things any better. I see you learning to be independent and I'm proud of you. But I also see your faith in yourself wavering, and it's gotten far too close to the point of "what does it matter" way too many times. I hope you'll be honest with yourself, and I hope you'll find the strength and determination to find your place in this world, and all the happiness along the way.

-

Must feel nice to know someone gives a shit about you. I miss the happines I used to have, the comfort I could find in her voice. I miss the simplicity in expressing my thoughts and emotions with no need for screening in case she might overthink my intentions. I miss being able to be there for someone, being able to care, being able to trust.