23/6/2016

Is it selfish of me to risk losing it all for a chance to be who I am? My family, my home, my job, they all lay at the brink of what is to come.

I am terrified.

In less than 15 hours I will be with a stranger, alone, recounting my life to give him as accurate a diagnosis of me as he can.
In less than 16 hours, I may have a needle through my thigh, a shot at a new life.
In less than a week, I may lose all I have built in my family, I will lose trust and I will be humiliated as my story will be tossed about from ear to ear like a commentary.
In less than a month, I may lose my home as they decide they're worst off with a damaged child like me than to have no child at all.
In less than 3 months, I may lose my job to escape the judgement and humiliation of working under such conservative jurisdiction.
I may have just lost it all, but is being stripped bare to the bone worthy of being who is am, is it selfish of me to choose my integrity over the happiness of others?

I am terrified, i am alone, and I am starting to second guess my worth.

22/6/2016

The fact that you think I would do something to intentionally hurt you makes me sick. If I expressed my thoughts the wrong way I am sorry but you don't speak for me when you say I may or may not make you doubt your heart. You don't speak for who I am, every one else already does. I'm sorry I wasn't aware of my mistakes this whole time, I may be toxic and absolute shit but have no doubt that I have never meant to hurt you.

Just some ignorant vile piece of shit aren't I. And so in darkness I am surrounded and darkness I shall become.

21/6

painful as this is, I'm really proud of her for taking the necessary measures to heal. My one only regret is unknowingly destroying her spirit when I thought I was helping her lift it. At least this way I won't be able to hurt her anymore and if goodbye means she'll find herself and happiness once more then I'm happy for her. At least for here and now, there's no other direction to go but up, slowly but surely. And as for me, as terrified as I am to walk alone into that consultation room which quite possibly holds my future, it's a step I've got to take. Take good care of yourself Pamela.

20/6/16

it's time to take matters into my own hands, it's time to realign myself and grow towards a stronger mind, body and soul. Some days I make mistakes, but that won't stop me from taking two steps forward the next door of opportunity I open. Every day I will forgive myself for the mistakes of yesterday, and embark on a brand new chapter of growth. No more binge drinking, no more long hiatuses from working out, no more straying from my conversations with God. If I could pull myself from self harm once, twice, I can sure as hell pull myself together again and set the right foot forward each day. It's time to start living like a warrior, it's time to start living with purpose. I used to be disciplined, I used to be determined, I used to be hungry for personal growth. But while that old fire has since burnt out, I will rise once more from the ashes and start a new flame. My hands have gotten ugly these past 4 years or so, the skin is dry and flakey, there's calluses torn and torn again, my wrists are rings of bruises from the straps cutting into my skin. But with these two hands I've built myself once, and with these two hands I'll build myself once more.

To Sabrina, I can't thank you enough for leaving the light out back for days I can't handle myself. For you I'll do the same.

To Pamela, I'm sorry that things haven't been easy for you, that your best friend didn't turn out as you thought she'd be, and that I couldn't make things any better. I see you learning to be independent and I'm proud of you. But I also see your faith in yourself wavering, and it's gotten far too close to the point of "what does it matter" way too many times. I hope you'll be honest with yourself, and I hope you'll find the strength and determination to find your place in this world, and all the happiness along the way.

-

Must feel nice to know someone gives a shit about you. I miss the happines I used to have, the comfort I could find in her voice. I miss the simplicity in expressing my thoughts and emotions with no need for screening in case she might overthink my intentions. I miss being able to be there for someone, being able to care, being able to trust.

12/6/16

Honestly speaking, I miss her so much. I thought I was done and over it when over the past week or so but just seeing her that one time stopped me in my tracks. Maybe it was how stunning she looked that night, her birthday night, or it might have been how happy she looked surrounded by the people she cares about, whatever it was, it really made me miss spending time with her. Because I throroughly enjoy spending time with her, because I'm validated and can be completely myself around her, because she makes me a better person. She's courage in the face of fear, serenity amidst chaos, love in every sense of the word. I miss her so much.

Lightning Might Just Strike The Same Place Twice

Today, I was struck with one of the lowest moments I've had in months. Unable to lift a weight that I thought I would be able to manage easily, my initial confidence was torn apart and what remained was an overwhelming reminder of how weak I actually was. The boiling pot of nagging insecurities had finally tipped and flushed me with feelings of anguish, frustration and despair, all of which took the form of my breaking down in the corner of the gym. I couldn't tolerate the mechanisms of my body, how slowly it took to reach milestones that should have been reached within fractions of the time had I been born 'normal'. I couldn't tolerate the lack of strength, the limitations of this vessel which forces me into rigid routines for its maintenance. And even then it's not good enough. In all the misery of staring at a stranger in a mirror all these years, I wanted to end it all. I hadn't felt this strong an urge to hit myself since I was around 16 but I only got to hitting myself in the head a few times before I decided that perhaps my patience was being tested. I didn't hit myself anymore after that and went on to complete my workout. I would say that perhaps this is a small stepping stone for me, no matter how small it's still a step and it's still a change.