12/6/16

Honestly speaking, I miss her so much. I thought I was done and over it when over the past week or so but just seeing her that one time stopped me in my tracks. Maybe it was how stunning she looked that night, her birthday night, or it might have been how happy she looked surrounded by the people she cares about, whatever it was, it really made me miss spending time with her. Because I throroughly enjoy spending time with her, because I'm validated and can be completely myself around her, because she makes me a better person. She's courage in the face of fear, serenity amidst chaos, love in every sense of the word. I miss her so much.

Lightning Might Just Strike The Same Place Twice

Today, I was struck with one of the lowest moments I've had in months. Unable to lift a weight that I thought I would be able to manage easily, my initial confidence was torn apart and what remained was an overwhelming reminder of how weak I actually was. The boiling pot of nagging insecurities had finally tipped and flushed me with feelings of anguish, frustration and despair, all of which took the form of my breaking down in the corner of the gym. I couldn't tolerate the mechanisms of my body, how slowly it took to reach milestones that should have been reached within fractions of the time had I been born 'normal'. I couldn't tolerate the lack of strength, the limitations of this vessel which forces me into rigid routines for its maintenance. And even then it's not good enough. In all the misery of staring at a stranger in a mirror all these years, I wanted to end it all. I hadn't felt this strong an urge to hit myself since I was around 16 but I only got to hitting myself in the head a few times before I decided that perhaps my patience was being tested. I didn't hit myself anymore after that and went on to complete my workout. I would say that perhaps this is a small stepping stone for me, no matter how small it's still a step and it's still a change.

March blues

Turning 21 and looking back reminds me of all that never was. It's like looking through misted windows at the reel of someone else's life, that my being here is just a spiritual presence with no physical manifestation. There was no childhood, I never had playing soccer with the kids downstairs, there was no intrigue at the changes puberty brought, it wasn't mine to begin with. No clap on the back reminding me of approaching manhood, this existence is on a parallel plane that doesn't intersect reality. I'm just a wandering spirit with no memories and no future. I'm still waiting. Still waiting for my life to begin. So really I'm not turning 21 yet, how could I be when I simply am not there.

Anger

I have a feeling I have spent a thousand dollars to go sit in someone's apartment because nothing has been settled or bought yet, 1 month out. If I knew it was gonna be like this I might as well have spent that thousand dollars on a solo trip to Prague since it's as if I'm going alone anyway.

0901

Going past the places that we once used to roam, I now realize there was as much bliss in planned destinations as there was in unplanned ones, the in-between lapses between the from and the to, these journeys that I'm glad we never overlooked.

0801

When I'm sad, running across a busy street wishing to get run over seems like a really good idea. But I wanted to try to get better, so I'm going to list down the things that I'm sad about today and three things I'm thankful for.
Things I'm sad about:
- I feel that my time is not good enough for anybody else but my cat's. I'm tired of people canceling on me or not bothering to meet up until I ask them. I feel as though I'm desperate for friendship and that's pathetic.
- I'm tired of cancelled trips because those times are the few days or weeks that I'm free of the burden on my shoulders. Nobody knows me in another country and so I'm free to be who I am. But anyways from the looks of it this trip isn't going to happen either cause it can't be just one person planning with completely zero input from the other party. I know you're sooo busy but air tickets aren't gonna wait for anyone either.
- I feel weak and small and like I don't matter. Physically and mentally. Some days like today I can't lift as much as I could because I haven't eaten all day or things like that so I feel really puny and pathetic. And work sometimes makes me feel like I'm not good at anything I do so all I am really is a disposable waste of space.
- Sometimes I feel like I'm the reject friend that you insist on getting cheap meals with because you'd rather spend the cash drinking with your real friends

Things I'm thankful for:
- The nice black and white cat downstairs who greets me when I'm walking home and accompanies me when I have breakdowns downstairs sometimes.
- bob's burgers simply because their family is dysfunctional and their kids are weird and I feel relaxed when I watch it
- I think my boss making me do projects that are almost die because I'm a fast worker. It might also be because he thinks I'm really really free but I'd rather believe in the former.

Tunnel Vision

I wish I could remember this moment forever. Bittersweet feels like the right word to use in this context. I opened up my wounds to you because I had nothing left to lose but you gave me the needle and thread to sew it back together. In exchange for my trust, you gave me the understanding and assurance I need to see the clearer picture. We're both experiencing a different set of challenges than what we know of, and with it must come learning to let go of old habits and fostering the new. I'm willing to do that I hope you are too.