I'm sorry for bothering everyone with my life

24.12 part 2

I now realise that whatever I wrote this morning is complete and utter bullshit about the possibility of her feeling the same way because no one who gives two shits about you would give a two word reply and ignore you for the rest of the day. I'm not even going to call it delayed response anymore, because half of what I said apparently doesn't process anyway. I'm trying, but it would be nice to know I matter to someone too.

Also I probably sprained my back.

The moon doesn't exist if nobody acknowledges its presence. And in a world where the moon doesn't exist, all we know of is a hole in the sky.

24/12

yesterday wasn't all I pictured it to be. To be fair I pictured the first time meeting up to be us sitting in a shopping mall service corridor. But well that didn't happen.

It felt easy to fall in love with someone like her. When talk comes naturally and you feel someone on your level, I guess it tends to be that way. I yearned to be closer to her, to hug her, it all sounds kind of stupid written down but it was a feeling of home I thought I'd forgotten. If this was a John Greene book, he'd probably write something like "I wanted to explore the world, but all the railways and road lines in the world only led me into her arms. Though who could complain if all I had been looking for was a place to rest my heavy lungs, and in her arms was what felt like home." For a few fleeting moments I could even fool myself to think that she loved me back, but of course she didn't say it; I don't blame her, for who would build a home of a canvas tent?

Now that the night's passed it feels like yesterday was almost surreal, like a brush with death where you see heaven's gates blinking in the light from afar and then next thing you know, you snap back to reality where the only lights are the incandescent hues above you on the hospital bed. It felt so natural, it felt so right, but now it all feels so far away. If someone doesn't love you anymore, there's nothing you can do about it isn't there?

Planes

these times I feel weighed down by anxiety when someone I care about is About to go on a lengthy journey on a plane. There's been so much going on in the airways that I find it almost necessary to feel this sort of fear. Of course I can't say it, but I pray for your safety and then you'll have a pleasant journey and that you'll make it home safe and sound.

20.12

the world works in funny ways. You ignore my messages, never pick up my calls, never have the time to skype, go from being nice to me one day and messaging me in your sleep to completely disregarding my existence in the next hour, allow anybody else but me to make plans with you cause somehow your schedule can be arranged to accommodate the many days they want to meet you and not the one day I arranged, and THEN you ask me what makes me think you don't wanna see me. If I'm burdening you with my friendship do let me know. If my friendship means something to you then do let me know as well because I'm not a mind reader and I can't read through your layers of apathy. And if there's something I did wrong then let me know too so I can understand why I suddenly don't exist to you.

You should know that you were absolutely wrong when you said that actions only affect us and nobody else. Cause this is proof right here that your actions affect the people around you. Sure this may be my caring too much but it sure is better than ignoring the people who care for you, love you, and miss you everyday. If we ask about you it means we care, it doesn't mean we're trying to put a lid on you or something. I don't know, maybe you could just tell us 'hey, I think I need some time alone for today', I'm sure that's easier to comprehend than blue ticks and cold shoulders. In moments of clarity, that's when you talk to the people around you about what's going on and don't let them think that they're not needed in your life.

I'm not angry at you, I'm really not and I know what depression can be like so I understand when you just want to shut the world out. we tend to think that we can handle all this on our own but sometimes it's really better to talk it out even if you don't feel like it. Thinking alone with ourselves and our demons can only lead to overthinking and that really isn't the best way to feel right now. I'll be here if you need a friend, till then, I hope you haven't forgotten my name.

19.12

i guess you can really tell how much you matter to someone from how much effort they take to remember you and I suppose from this I can tell that I don't matter that much after all.

Life has been bad, it's really grey and cloudy and I haven't been feeling well. I haven't eaten properly in a few days and I haven't gone to the gym in 5 days, so things really could be better.

At this point I feel like you hate me. And I'm scared of you.

Only Fools

I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on the hill and children's names
I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray
But everything is shattering and it's my mistake

Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall
Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall

Only this time I'm the fool for believing that anyone could've loved me for long enough. I laugh at bread that goes bad in a week, wonder if they laugh at humans with an expiry date.