Thursday 11 April 2013
Between The Skins
If anything, I'm becoming more of a Cook and Tony than anything else. Cook and Tony from skins that is. The player. The flirt. The sex machine. The ones that are up for the game anytime you wish for. Simply because they cannot care less, and why is that? They feel betrayed, they feel threatened and small and hurt from whatever past their ghost brings them and that is why they feel any form of relationship or communication with anyone as some kind of lingering test game which plays up to how much they can selfishly achieve for themselves. And that's exactly what I'm becoming.
Tuesday 9 April 2013
Blazers Ablaze
Today was a seemingly alright day when it started, despite being the only day in two months that I had to get out of bed before 8am, I'd consider myself lucky for that. Puffy eyes are gone from the day before and in general my face looked much less swollen. So although it started out as a sleepy and lazy day, it was a good start nonetheless.
The problems all started when a friend and I had the conversation about collecting the blazers. She's a BCA scholar so she's worn the blazer before to collect the grant. The problem started, to be exact, when she mentioned that there were male and female blazers, a whole different set in fact. To be honest, I don't know why they made different blazers instead of just the same one in a variation of sizes. The difference in uniform is obvious. The guys' uniform was white shirt, black pants, standard navy blazer, maroon school tie. The girls' uniform was white shirt, black skirt/pants, and a ridiculous hotel butler blazer lookalike. So I knew there were gonna be problems. I could almost taste it.
When we got to the student development centre, the lady in charge immediately started taking out some blazers to try. "This is the ladies' blazer, it comes in S and M" she said. So she passed them to the two girls in the group. Then she took out some guys' blazers, and passed them to the other two guys in the group. Then she looked at me with the scrutinising look I know so well. Looking me up and down as though some kind of gender sign will suddenly rise from within or something. "you?" she asked. The whole time this was happening, our teacher was standing there watching us, by now she was watching me, so I had to bite my tongue and say 'ladies'. Ladies. Ladies. How can one word make someone feel so..vulnerable. I was secretly hoping they did only have it in sizes S and M so I could have an excuse to get a guys' blazer in my size. I tried the M size initially and it fit miserably, the sleeves were too short and the shoulders were and sleeves were way too tight. So I casually suggested just getting the guys' blazer in a smaller size instead since there was a guy in my group who was taller than me but had roughly the same shoulder width. "no, ladies can only wear the ladies' blazer, you cannot wear the male blazer." it hurt. And it hurt more when my teacher laughed at me, in good humour I suppose, but I don't know, it still hurt to be laughed at for being me. In the end I settled for the XL blazer.
A little while after, my teacher sounded, "so are we going to standardise between wearing pants or skirt?". I thought this was ridiculous since my school always emphasised individual expression and I don't see any reason that one would be more 'formal' or change the light on the team as compared to the other. When she asked us that, I could almost sense that she was trying to make a fool out of me to lighten the situation. "let's all wear skirts" she declared. I refused. She laughed at me, again. I stood there like an idiot saying no. Out of nowhere, my friend pipes in "yeah! I want to see (me) in a skirt!", and for a moment there, I was stunned. She knew about me, she was one of the few people I had told. And then my teacher piped, "yeah that's my reason too!". You think this is funny, woman? So what if your supposedly female student portrays as a male, who are you to joke about them? Just because you love to wear skin tight denim skirts with slits up to your ass crack doesn't mean everyone is comfortable in their skin. I've completely lost respect for you. It hurts that you treat me like some piece of joke you can use to try and make people laugh. It hurts, okay? Whenever you say stuff like "you all want to standardise wear high heels", you look at me freaking straight in the eye, and then burst out laughing. You think it's funny don't you? Try living a day in my shoes. Try living in a world where you can't look at your own body without breaking down, where people give you strange stares until you're so used to it, where people try to 'convince' you to be 'yourself' because it's okay you'll look good I promise, where people make a fool out of you just because you don't conform to their standards. Bitch.
When I went out with a friend the other time and the waiter called me sir, she said "did you hear what he called you?" and got really happy and excited for me. And when I went out with another friend two days ago and the waiter called me sir, she said "he called you sir!" and I replied with "yeah I know he forgot the 'handsome' but that's alright" and she burst out laughing and that was alright. I could deal with that. But friend, you know. And teacher, you don't know but couldn't you be a little more sensitive to your students? Yes my dear friend mixed me up in a jumble of 'he's and 'she's but that's no reason for you to laugh. At me. It's not funny. As if it isn't obvious enough that gender was a weak point for me. You chose to hit me right there didn't you, laugh about it in my face. You're treading on the line there woman. I'm that close to vanishing from the award ceremony and declaring 'fuck-it' on the presentation that you're making me do since you know I took over your job as a mentor the four days we were there because you were too busy being away. "I'm so happy this is the first time we won!" Bullshit woman, you didn't win anything. This close. Have fun presenting on behalf of my team.
The problems all started when a friend and I had the conversation about collecting the blazers. She's a BCA scholar so she's worn the blazer before to collect the grant. The problem started, to be exact, when she mentioned that there were male and female blazers, a whole different set in fact. To be honest, I don't know why they made different blazers instead of just the same one in a variation of sizes. The difference in uniform is obvious. The guys' uniform was white shirt, black pants, standard navy blazer, maroon school tie. The girls' uniform was white shirt, black skirt/pants, and a ridiculous hotel butler blazer lookalike. So I knew there were gonna be problems. I could almost taste it.
When we got to the student development centre, the lady in charge immediately started taking out some blazers to try. "This is the ladies' blazer, it comes in S and M" she said. So she passed them to the two girls in the group. Then she took out some guys' blazers, and passed them to the other two guys in the group. Then she looked at me with the scrutinising look I know so well. Looking me up and down as though some kind of gender sign will suddenly rise from within or something. "you?" she asked. The whole time this was happening, our teacher was standing there watching us, by now she was watching me, so I had to bite my tongue and say 'ladies'. Ladies. Ladies. How can one word make someone feel so..vulnerable. I was secretly hoping they did only have it in sizes S and M so I could have an excuse to get a guys' blazer in my size. I tried the M size initially and it fit miserably, the sleeves were too short and the shoulders were and sleeves were way too tight. So I casually suggested just getting the guys' blazer in a smaller size instead since there was a guy in my group who was taller than me but had roughly the same shoulder width. "no, ladies can only wear the ladies' blazer, you cannot wear the male blazer." it hurt. And it hurt more when my teacher laughed at me, in good humour I suppose, but I don't know, it still hurt to be laughed at for being me. In the end I settled for the XL blazer.
A little while after, my teacher sounded, "so are we going to standardise between wearing pants or skirt?". I thought this was ridiculous since my school always emphasised individual expression and I don't see any reason that one would be more 'formal' or change the light on the team as compared to the other. When she asked us that, I could almost sense that she was trying to make a fool out of me to lighten the situation. "let's all wear skirts" she declared. I refused. She laughed at me, again. I stood there like an idiot saying no. Out of nowhere, my friend pipes in "yeah! I want to see (me) in a skirt!", and for a moment there, I was stunned. She knew about me, she was one of the few people I had told. And then my teacher piped, "yeah that's my reason too!". You think this is funny, woman? So what if your supposedly female student portrays as a male, who are you to joke about them? Just because you love to wear skin tight denim skirts with slits up to your ass crack doesn't mean everyone is comfortable in their skin. I've completely lost respect for you. It hurts that you treat me like some piece of joke you can use to try and make people laugh. It hurts, okay? Whenever you say stuff like "you all want to standardise wear high heels", you look at me freaking straight in the eye, and then burst out laughing. You think it's funny don't you? Try living a day in my shoes. Try living in a world where you can't look at your own body without breaking down, where people give you strange stares until you're so used to it, where people try to 'convince' you to be 'yourself' because it's okay you'll look good I promise, where people make a fool out of you just because you don't conform to their standards. Bitch.
When I went out with a friend the other time and the waiter called me sir, she said "did you hear what he called you?" and got really happy and excited for me. And when I went out with another friend two days ago and the waiter called me sir, she said "he called you sir!" and I replied with "yeah I know he forgot the 'handsome' but that's alright" and she burst out laughing and that was alright. I could deal with that. But friend, you know. And teacher, you don't know but couldn't you be a little more sensitive to your students? Yes my dear friend mixed me up in a jumble of 'he's and 'she's but that's no reason for you to laugh. At me. It's not funny. As if it isn't obvious enough that gender was a weak point for me. You chose to hit me right there didn't you, laugh about it in my face. You're treading on the line there woman. I'm that close to vanishing from the award ceremony and declaring 'fuck-it' on the presentation that you're making me do since you know I took over your job as a mentor the four days we were there because you were too busy being away. "I'm so happy this is the first time we won!" Bullshit woman, you didn't win anything. This close. Have fun presenting on behalf of my team.
Sunday 7 April 2013
Pathetic
Why must I be so much of a burden to other people's lives. Why can't I be wings, why can't I lift people up, myself up. I'm not strong. I'm a liar. I'm not strong. I'm a pathetic little fucker. I can't stop crying. Just pathetic aren't I. Pathetic. No. Gone. You're gone. In pushing you away aren't I. It's my fault . Why do I do this why why am I me why do I have to be this way. I wish I was someone else.it hurts. I wish I could get into a car accident. Lose function in your dick I don't even have a dick what does that make me? It hurts.
I'm okay
I'm okay
Friday 5 April 2013
Mother Of Ginseng
Good news for today, is that I finally finished the bottle of ginseng that I bought at least four days back. Was hell to drink honestly, I diluted it with so much water which was why it took ages to finish. Asshole of a friend who had a gym date with me today slept through it, even when I called her house she refused to wake up, seriously man, I'm so done with people and their so-called plans. I mean, if you're only half-hearted about it or you know this will happen, why set it up in the first place? I could have gone way earlier and beat the crowd had I not be waiting for you. And ladies and gentlemen, this is why I hardly have any plans the entire holidays, because people are too busy being lazy enough to not get out of their house.
Almost threw up at the gym today, for god knows what reason, but I swallowed it back down, woohoo superpowers! I don't know, my stomach's been feeling fuzzy the whole day, not enough to make me carry a plastic bag everywhere I go, but not peaceful enough for me to be completely comfortable. I wore my makeshift binder to the gym today too. I'm really quite pleased with it to be honest, though I do have the bad habit of touching my chest over my shirt whenever I wear it, because it feels really good and smooth. I almost feel like a dolphin. And shirts tend to fall over it nicely as well, so I'm really pleased with how it works, now if I could only glue it on to my skin so it'd be permanently that way, that'd be awesome. At first I thought that I might have trouble breathing with it if I wore it to the gym, but turns out its pretty comfortable and causes no problems or pressure at all, it really feels like its not even there. Best part is that it makes me feel really safe and secure because I no longer have that constant worry with the things I do, which may emphasize or anything, so it makes me feel free to do anything. Except wear tank tops with it. But I generally have no problems with tanks in the first place so its fine. I do feel like I never wanna take it off though, it makes me feel finally pretty confident with my body, which I don't really get most of the time, and taking it off is just like some kind of sick sick reminder of the body beneath. I really don't wanna take it off.
And...I really needa be bulking up a hell more.
Almost threw up at the gym today, for god knows what reason, but I swallowed it back down, woohoo superpowers! I don't know, my stomach's been feeling fuzzy the whole day, not enough to make me carry a plastic bag everywhere I go, but not peaceful enough for me to be completely comfortable. I wore my makeshift binder to the gym today too. I'm really quite pleased with it to be honest, though I do have the bad habit of touching my chest over my shirt whenever I wear it, because it feels really good and smooth. I almost feel like a dolphin. And shirts tend to fall over it nicely as well, so I'm really pleased with how it works, now if I could only glue it on to my skin so it'd be permanently that way, that'd be awesome. At first I thought that I might have trouble breathing with it if I wore it to the gym, but turns out its pretty comfortable and causes no problems or pressure at all, it really feels like its not even there. Best part is that it makes me feel really safe and secure because I no longer have that constant worry with the things I do, which may emphasize or anything, so it makes me feel free to do anything. Except wear tank tops with it. But I generally have no problems with tanks in the first place so its fine. I do feel like I never wanna take it off though, it makes me feel finally pretty confident with my body, which I don't really get most of the time, and taking it off is just like some kind of sick sick reminder of the body beneath. I really don't wanna take it off.
And...I really needa be bulking up a hell more.
Thursday 4 April 2013
I'm Scary.
Relapse is literally the worst feeling. Whoever wrote that, you're right. Whatever relapse it might be, it feels like falling back into the pit that you spent so long climbing out of. Someone wrote the comment that you could see it as tripping over your shoelaces, tie them back up and continue walking. Tripping over your shoelaces isn't a relapse. Its not slipping into a struggle you've once overcome. A relapse resonates more along the lines of climbing out of a dark hole, tasting a bit of the sunshine on your tongue, complacently climbing faster and higher without watching your step, twisting your ankle and slipping into the trench once more. It hurts more the second time round because you're burdened with failure and the thoughts that you'll never make it out.
Perhaps insanity is a cure. A drunken state is so tempting right now to drown out the voices in my head. What is being drunk like? It is like an hourglass turned over so sand is seeping grain by grain into the chamber below. Every falling grain marks a fraction of your thoughts diluted by the alcohol, every empty space in the top chamber, an empty space on your mind. It is a state of temporary limbo, drained of all the emotion clinging like cobwebs to the corners of your mind. The emotions are like cobwebs, they are spun from the fibers of your thought and hinder any clear perspective. Anything that tries to pass through will be hazed like stained glass, leaving only corpses hanging by their threads. As you down the alcohol, it floods through the gaps in your mind, waterlogging it till it swells up and throbs. There are no spaces in the mind for thinking, there is no obstacle and space, only a breathable rooms of liquid. There are no threads pulling on your emotions, there are no emotions, you're numb. The world around you might be on fire, but you are numb. In your lifeless mind, you are happy.
There is only a temporary drunken state, but there is a certain refuge one can seek in a lost cause. To put it simply, I've given up. I've given up on love, given up on soulmates, given up on us, because there is no way you can be happy with my love for you, and there's no way I can live with knowing I put you through such pain. Until someone can prove me wrong, there is no such thing as love. There is only pain awaiting those who love, the pain of being pushed away, the pain of pushing away, the sickening face of love leaving with someone else. There is no such thing as trust, for all those you trust will turn their back on you some day. You're not a person. You're some kind of sick manifestation of everything I used to love. I will prove to you that I'm not as weak as you think, I will fight this fucking war alone and tear the hearts out of all these monsters. I'm a lone soldier, I have nothing to lose anymore. You want me to be strong, I will be fucking ruthless, I will be cold-blooded and unstoppable even if it kills me. That's what this whole world is about, isn't it? Happiness at the expense of others. Ripping the tree of life to reap the fruits for benefit. There will be no warm bodied embrace, no tears of joy, only steel masks and alibis. Scars. Hard heavy breathing before I fucking crush his throat straight into the coffin. I am my own enemy. No one else exists.
Pain will be frozen in its tracks. I'm alive, and I'll stay that way till death's embrace.
Perhaps insanity is a cure. A drunken state is so tempting right now to drown out the voices in my head. What is being drunk like? It is like an hourglass turned over so sand is seeping grain by grain into the chamber below. Every falling grain marks a fraction of your thoughts diluted by the alcohol, every empty space in the top chamber, an empty space on your mind. It is a state of temporary limbo, drained of all the emotion clinging like cobwebs to the corners of your mind. The emotions are like cobwebs, they are spun from the fibers of your thought and hinder any clear perspective. Anything that tries to pass through will be hazed like stained glass, leaving only corpses hanging by their threads. As you down the alcohol, it floods through the gaps in your mind, waterlogging it till it swells up and throbs. There are no spaces in the mind for thinking, there is no obstacle and space, only a breathable rooms of liquid. There are no threads pulling on your emotions, there are no emotions, you're numb. The world around you might be on fire, but you are numb. In your lifeless mind, you are happy.
There is only a temporary drunken state, but there is a certain refuge one can seek in a lost cause. To put it simply, I've given up. I've given up on love, given up on soulmates, given up on us, because there is no way you can be happy with my love for you, and there's no way I can live with knowing I put you through such pain. Until someone can prove me wrong, there is no such thing as love. There is only pain awaiting those who love, the pain of being pushed away, the pain of pushing away, the sickening face of love leaving with someone else. There is no such thing as trust, for all those you trust will turn their back on you some day. You're not a person. You're some kind of sick manifestation of everything I used to love. I will prove to you that I'm not as weak as you think, I will fight this fucking war alone and tear the hearts out of all these monsters. I'm a lone soldier, I have nothing to lose anymore. You want me to be strong, I will be fucking ruthless, I will be cold-blooded and unstoppable even if it kills me. That's what this whole world is about, isn't it? Happiness at the expense of others. Ripping the tree of life to reap the fruits for benefit. There will be no warm bodied embrace, no tears of joy, only steel masks and alibis. Scars. Hard heavy breathing before I fucking crush his throat straight into the coffin. I am my own enemy. No one else exists.
Pain will be frozen in its tracks. I'm alive, and I'll stay that way till death's embrace.
Tuesday 2 April 2013
Monday 1 April 2013
Nice Day Today Though.
Standing In The Dark - Lawson
I really need a drink right now. Drink, drink myself drunk and never come back.
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