13.11

As black and whites turn to grey

The picture of me starts to fade

I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Me and Cartoons

for days on end now I’ve been searching for a quote of some sort to underline how much I appreciate the Bojack Horseman cartoon in troubling times such as these. For ends on end yet zilch, nothing. Don’t get me wrong now, the show’s a minefield of golden moments and epiphanies, but seeing them just plucked out of context on a Top 15 by BuzzFeed just diminishes their depths to me.

As highlighted by so many before me, the show really hits home because of its blatant, embarrassing ugliness that we come to recognise as the monsters in all of us. There is no censorship of depression, sexuality (or lack thereof), toxicity, or the various lifestyles in which the characters relay. There is no one perfect character, no heroic protagonist to move the show forward, because that’s reality. There is no escaping from the notion that the world revolves around us. We all like to think of tragic heroes who are byproducts of our toxic upbringing and superficial world. But as quoted by the great Todd Chavez,

"Oh great, of course. Here it comes, you can't keep doing this. You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself, like that makes it okay. YOU NEED TO BE BETTER.

No...no..just stop. You are all the things wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or all the shitty things that happened to your career, or when you were a kid. Alright? It's you, Bojack. It's you. Fuck man. What else is there to say."

And it’s a home run. It’s easy to brood and blame. It always has been.

Its heartening to see talking cartoon animals address their own toxicity, even going so far as to call themselves poison. Being afraid to let anyone close because they will only hurt them. and it heart wrenching to watch, as a third person, the struggles of an imbalanced marriage. The blatant portrayal of selfishness and misogyny in people we call family, and how it continues to haunt us till we’re old.

Relapse

I don’t wanna be somebody
Fallin’ in a relapse
Every time I see that smile again
I just think of when //

On Friday I felt real again, when another girl called me a good boy. And I felt real too, when a stranger gently nudged Anni aside to hand me her bag. Might have been to get rid of it, who knew, but then again, who cares.

On Saturday I was shaken, on Sunday partially broken, and on Monday I rebuild myself again.

Friday 13th

fine, do whatever you want. I feel sadness, I'm wrong. I apologise, I'm wrong. Everything I do also wrong wrong wrong.

7.54

and you can buy her the world but you can't buy her love.

And you said it don't matter

Maybe it's my face. The face of someone nice but not worth it. Nice but unsuccessful. Nice but irresponsible. I hope it's my face.

Kindly realise that your actions have consequences beyond the inmediate audience. Time and again I have allowed myself to be drawn to your friendship only to realise, time and again, that I have no worth in your eyes. 

I have never and will never be a real man in your eyes, are you scared to tell me that to my irresponsible face? 

I will only ever be good enough for people you don't care about, I'm a what, a flight-risk? A chew toy of some sort to use and throw?

Or god knows I'm pitiful, a sad case to tell your acquaintances about at bonfires: The Walking Tragedy and His Story of Lost Love

-----

You know she loves you with her life. I hurt her and you know it. I hurt her by second guessing her choices and I deserve whatever distrust or ill feelings she might have towards me. Wake up, and understand that you have immunity against that. What you said to her was in retrospect the exact same mistake that I made. Listen buddy, we're both stupid human beings who think we know what's best for the ones we care about. Wake up. We don't. She will never distrust you, so don't go around taking advantage of that full-well knowing that the walls have ears - I will hear every damn thing you say, or imply about me. 

I hurt her, and I have to live with that regret every day. I am torn between happiness that her best friend loves and cares for her, and the cost it incurs on my being. I am a person, and I am trying my utmost to be a better one. I want her to be safe, and I want her to be happy, too, we're not too far off, you and I. 

I don't have the simplest of lives, but my demons are all out in the open. So price me down for what you see me as, will you, but I've got nothing else to hide, nothing. I'm honestly hurt by what you think of me, for the last time I am sick. Of having to prove myself because I don't need you to tell me I'm not good enough. But for all the shit that I am, I'm not a for-the-moment guy, and if you knew me, you'd know.

23.8.2017

Remorse is the rightful weight of an act of betrayal.

It is the time you bear full responsibility, being the catalyst of any sequence, but more importantly, it is the moment you understand why things happened the way they did. It is shame at the recklessness of your thoughts and that spurs helplessness as the carnage turns to ash. There is pain, so, so much pain that your two hands just aren't enough to contain it. It is pleading for mercy at the feet of the ones you hurt, while your conscience reminds you that forgiveness is unjust.