Update

I haven't blogged here in literally months, been more active on tumblr lately but overall just been pretty busy with school and problems (I'll get back to that in a bit) and new interests in my life ahem.

So let's go through the list shall we? First one, school. Project's been getting more hectic, both my yearlong and Compasso that is. In fact, as I speak, somewhere tucked in the folded edges of my mind are this week's critique (in an hour or so), 3 submissions and Compasso GM which we haven't been especially dedicated to due to the workload. Frankly speaking, Compasso seems to be taking on much better form than my personal project, not just in terms of shape but because it is strong both in concept and the resulting form. The ties are solid. Perhaps it has much to do with the looser criteria to fit into the building. Meanwhile with my yearlong project, as with every time, the concept starts off strong but dies out along the way to accommodate site coverage, unit capacity, GFA and the likes. And there's crit today. Great. On the bright side, after the bulk of submissions are over, we could start working on Compasso once more, which brings us closer to ITALY. Hella stoked.

Next, problems. Don't get me wrong here, I do have my share of problems, but as usual I don't have the privilege of others taking big time off for them. Strip me naked and roast me on a grill, I have no clue why I'm that ultimate 'go-to' when it comes to problems. Not gonna mention any names here, but I've got two break ups, one suicidal case and one depression case under my wing right now. Break up 1: she's been cutting. Break up 2: he lost her, his mom just passed away, he's about to launch himself into the same depressive coma I had. Suicidal case: lost family. Depression case: I've no clue this one. That's fine. With a flap of my wings and a shower of golden dust you guys will be alright. And there's plenty to go around for everyone. I want all of you to be okay, I'll work for it too, no worries.

Third, new interests. Let's start with more mundane ones alright? Gym's been going fine, I hit my goal of 65 kilos a while back, which adds up to a total 11 kilos of gains from the start of the year. Gotta start shredding soon and look good for Italy. I'm still out of protein so I'm probably gonna buy off of Dillon's brother soon. Appetite's been way more than healthy, I've been eating like a monster. Alright done. Now I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in anyone. Just that it was all smooth sailing and holding hands and cuddling and fun and laughter until I fucked up a few days ago and I think she's still a little annoyed at me. I personally think the back story is quite ridiculous but apparently I'm the only one who thinks so.

Okay so we were talking a coupla nights ago, and she sent me this photo of her just outside her house in her new dress. The background was dark and there were a whole lot of trees, so me, being the complete romantic loverboy I wish I was, said "eh shit I think there's something behind you." Now she's the sort who is terrified of these kind of things, so naturally she started panicking, and she went to ask another friend about it.....and he played along. So this exchange went on for a while, with her contemplating whether she should delete the photo and me telling her no no its alright just pretend I didn't say anything. Which scared her to the point that she told me to just zoom up on it and send her. Mistake number two: zooming up on her face, screenshotting it, and sending it to her. She told me she was gonna get nightmares thanks to me. I had to idea she was angry. She told me this was as bad as throwing a bunch of caterpillars in her face. Still didn't know she was mad. Mistake number three: sending a pagefull of caterpillar emojis to her. That's when she lashed out and all my mistakes got strewn across my pathetic face.

So that's the story of how she still seems kinda annoyed at me. I can't help finding it a little funny actually, even after a little berating from my classmates. They said I was asking for it. Maybe I was. I'm reading this book at the moment, it's called The Book Thief. It was introduced to me by Little Miss Something-Behind-You up there, and turns out its a pretty sweet book. Written from the point of view of Death, the soul collector, and cast in the dirt-shackled streets of Nazi Germany, it tells the story of a poor girl who was lucky enough to be sent to a foster home before her mother was taken away. It paints the backdrop of what Germany was like during the World War, the reign of Hitler, and the lives of Germans and Jews alike. The book is simple but written in a way I'd like to accomplish in terms of description and imagery. I'll get back with a full review of the book when I'm done with it. So yup that's my update, and I'll probably do another one sometime soon.

Gone.

Its Over - Eminem

You had me at my last straw with "I still believe in our friendship. So I hope maybe you could try too?" Neither your fault nor mine, but this shit has gone too far.

Sternum

For now I'm just going to keep check with the sets I'm doing while (trying to) bulk. I've gone down to low rep, higher sets to see how it'll affect me for now, but I've only tried it out with chest day and feeling good so far.
Chest
Dumbbell bench press (5x5)
Inclined bench press (5x5)
Dips (15x3)
Seated bench press (Drop sets)
Low cable fly (10x3) 
Cable crossover(10x3)

Shoulder
Military press (5x5)
Lateral raises (5x5)
Barbell shrugs (6x5)
Upright row (8x3)
Side raises (8x3)
Front plate raises (Drop sets)

Back
Pull up (100)
Lats pulldown (Drop sets)
Deadlift (2x3)
Barbell pull (8x3)
Kettlebell throw (10x3)
Seated cable pull (6x5)

Arms
Barbell curl (5x5)
Hammer curl (5x5)
Tricep kickback (5x5)
Cable pulldown (Drop sets)
Cable curl (Drop sets)
Palm up wrist curl (12x3)
Palm down wrist curl (10x3)
Forearm curl (8x3)

Abs
Cable twists (8x3)
Weighted side extensions (15x3)
Weighted declined sit ups (30x3)
Hanging leg lifts (10x3)

Legs
Squats (20x3)
Calf extensions (20x3)

Nothing seems to be working fast enough though, I don't see the difference and all I can hope for is that this isn't pointless. I wanna start cutting by now, but I have nothing to cut even, didn't even gain weight, water weight or anything sigh. Think my constant anxiety is making my metabolism higher than it should be, and no surprise there with the daily letdowns and being a letdown. You're another letdown, and this trip I hope won't be a letdown, and I'm the loneliest letdown. Saying you can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else has it better. True that. At least Now You See Me was good, such a mindfuck really but who doesn't enjoy a good fucking in the mind every now and then? Not a letdown. I dreamt of ghosts last night in my sleep, long hair, pale skin, red eyes. I was afraid but I couldn't run, I was afraid up till the moment I stared into their eyes, and I kept staring and staring, and I didn't feel afraid anymore. I chased them away. After all, what am I but a ghost stuck in the dimensions of reality in my head.

Theatre.

Grey skies
Sheets of rain, curtains fly
Lightly
Washing over the blankets around me
Tightly
Pulling snugly round the seams
I had a dream
Last night, like a madman's brew
Because of all people, why'd I have to
Dream of you
Walking down the flight of steps
Coming closer to
The start of the film
My insides heating
Clay in a kiln
Overheating, hearts a-beating
Overwhelmed
Sat quietly next to her
Thought it was her
I swear
I never thought things could get blur-ry
In a dream
But of course things aren't always how they might seem
Evidently
I held her hand
For what seemed like an eternity
But just when
I went to move my hand just a little
She gripped it
And held it so tightly
Ignite the
Lungs holding pocketfuls of air inside of me
I can't breathe
I look over, it wasn't her
It was you, clutching my hand, you could barely move
You were crying, tears rolling down your face
In a catastrophic, symphony, no memory of mine can erase
You muttered the words "I love you"
Dear, I love you too
I guess my sober mind just couldn't understand the truth
So I lay there, comatose, drunk and unable to move
On, someone please save me
These shadows, this darkness is coming to bite me
I shiver awake, 5a.m. and a-lonely
Reach for the phone, goodnight baby.

I'm terrified of people now. People are so unpredictable, they could be nice to you one moment, and scream at you the next. I'm going to sleep for a long time.

When did all this happen? It's like I'm stuck right at the start of the year and everything's been moving full speed ahead and leaving me behind. One moment she's there and the next moment she's gone. And I wait, I wait weeks and weeks for her to come back but she comes back this empty shell, her soul is out somewhere I don't know and all that remains are some pieces that gets fewer and fewer each time she leaves. She's getting more and more numb to everything he says, she doesn't care about him, he can't believe her. She's too busy, drowning in her busy world, everything bursting through the dams and flooding her insides and filling it up. He hates it, he hates how numb she's become, some sort of puppet doing the bidding of the world. He wants her to feel again, even if it's pain, feel something. Feel alive. But how can she feel when every fibre of her being is pulled by strings in every direction? Stretched out so far, she can't feel a thing, seams undone, eyes gone black, he doesn't know her anymore. He sees her body, her face, but her soul is foreign, who is this stranger speaking to him in such unfamiliar language? Where did she go? This other dimension we speak of, he can't go there, he can't save her, he can't pull her back. He cries unnoticed. His cries unheard. She's lost, happy, lost, gone, misted.

He misses how she'd lay with him to sleep.

I get angry because I'm human. I feel, I feel emotions because I'm human. What are you? You're a wreck of tired and busy, how is that being human. You're slogging yourself through every day, where are your choices? At which point do you choose, instead of going through monotony wordlessly like some kind of robot. That's how it feels talking to you now. Snap the fuck out of it. Remember yourself and stay true to your words for once. You're pissing me off.