Step One

That's the thing I keep forgetting. Getting into a relationship with someone doesn't mean you stop learning. It doesn't automatically brand you on the forehead letting you know you've reached your destination. There is no finish line in a relationship, or perhaps there is, only that once you've reached the finish line, the relationship is over.  Not much of a finish line anyway, just a corridor of doors and more doors opening up opportunities to learn more than you ever had about your partner. But the thing is, you want to learn. You'll want to memorise the sequence in which she tosses and turns and stirs awake in her sleep, and you'll want to be able to read the lines on her palms like a map that leads home. You'll want to continue learning because you care about her and you wanna be able to give her something tailor suited to her needs. And I should say this, not every moment will be perfect. You might knock teeth when you first kiss, or you might come to realise you look better in makeup than she does, but it's alright because she's already the most beautiful person in your eyes. Heck, you might even get annoyed that your almost-hug got interrupted by an angry old lady, but you know that what really sparked your concern was seeing the brief moment of fear flicker across her eyes. And you know how she'll always say she'll never be a good girlfriend, but then again, you're not much of a boyfriend either so you pray to any god that you know of that the two of you could just take each others' hands and stumble out into the wilderness together, unprepared but as prepared as you can be. You take turns taking the lead, she's braver than you are, and you fall in love with the way she paints the ground with her feet. The two of you are learning, and it's alright.

Toil and Tolls

I'm sorry. I'm so so tired. It's not that I'm crashing, it's that I've fallen headlong and I'm having trouble gathering my limbs and thoughts to pull myself together. When I hugged you last night and you asked how I felt, I lied to you. I didn't wish that it lasted any longer than it did, I was so caught up in my thoughts that I forgot to hold you closer and I felt guilty for that. It's not much coherent thought now, just a monotonous flurry of noises like some sort of black and white stop motion roll. Flickering. 

--break--

Only now have I been able to pinpoint why I'm unable to read my own thoughts. My thoughts. They're usually a battalion of soldiers, that despite their numbers, march in rows and order. Except this time it isn't an army. It's no single battalion. They come from all directions, different sources of stress caused by a slight shift in my stringent life routines. My thoughts are an army. Except this time, it's war.

It's 8.34 in the morning. My skull feels like iron and I feel bruised behind my eyeballs. And I'm sorry. I'm so so tired.