Gone.

Its Over - Eminem

You had me at my last straw with "I still believe in our friendship. So I hope maybe you could try too?" Neither your fault nor mine, but this shit has gone too far.

Sternum

For now I'm just going to keep check with the sets I'm doing while (trying to) bulk. I've gone down to low rep, higher sets to see how it'll affect me for now, but I've only tried it out with chest day and feeling good so far.
Chest
Dumbbell bench press (5x5)
Inclined bench press (5x5)
Dips (15x3)
Seated bench press (Drop sets)
Low cable fly (10x3) 
Cable crossover(10x3)

Shoulder
Military press (5x5)
Lateral raises (5x5)
Barbell shrugs (6x5)
Upright row (8x3)
Side raises (8x3)
Front plate raises (Drop sets)

Back
Pull up (100)
Lats pulldown (Drop sets)
Deadlift (2x3)
Barbell pull (8x3)
Kettlebell throw (10x3)
Seated cable pull (6x5)

Arms
Barbell curl (5x5)
Hammer curl (5x5)
Tricep kickback (5x5)
Cable pulldown (Drop sets)
Cable curl (Drop sets)
Palm up wrist curl (12x3)
Palm down wrist curl (10x3)
Forearm curl (8x3)

Abs
Cable twists (8x3)
Weighted side extensions (15x3)
Weighted declined sit ups (30x3)
Hanging leg lifts (10x3)

Legs
Squats (20x3)
Calf extensions (20x3)

Nothing seems to be working fast enough though, I don't see the difference and all I can hope for is that this isn't pointless. I wanna start cutting by now, but I have nothing to cut even, didn't even gain weight, water weight or anything sigh. Think my constant anxiety is making my metabolism higher than it should be, and no surprise there with the daily letdowns and being a letdown. You're another letdown, and this trip I hope won't be a letdown, and I'm the loneliest letdown. Saying you can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else has it better. True that. At least Now You See Me was good, such a mindfuck really but who doesn't enjoy a good fucking in the mind every now and then? Not a letdown. I dreamt of ghosts last night in my sleep, long hair, pale skin, red eyes. I was afraid but I couldn't run, I was afraid up till the moment I stared into their eyes, and I kept staring and staring, and I didn't feel afraid anymore. I chased them away. After all, what am I but a ghost stuck in the dimensions of reality in my head.

Theatre.

Grey skies
Sheets of rain, curtains fly
Lightly
Washing over the blankets around me
Tightly
Pulling snugly round the seams
I had a dream
Last night, like a madman's brew
Because of all people, why'd I have to
Dream of you
Walking down the flight of steps
Coming closer to
The start of the film
My insides heating
Clay in a kiln
Overheating, hearts a-beating
Overwhelmed
Sat quietly next to her
Thought it was her
I swear
I never thought things could get blur-ry
In a dream
But of course things aren't always how they might seem
Evidently
I held her hand
For what seemed like an eternity
But just when
I went to move my hand just a little
She gripped it
And held it so tightly
Ignite the
Lungs holding pocketfuls of air inside of me
I can't breathe
I look over, it wasn't her
It was you, clutching my hand, you could barely move
You were crying, tears rolling down your face
In a catastrophic, symphony, no memory of mine can erase
You muttered the words "I love you"
Dear, I love you too
I guess my sober mind just couldn't understand the truth
So I lay there, comatose, drunk and unable to move
On, someone please save me
These shadows, this darkness is coming to bite me
I shiver awake, 5a.m. and a-lonely
Reach for the phone, goodnight baby.

I'm terrified of people now. People are so unpredictable, they could be nice to you one moment, and scream at you the next. I'm going to sleep for a long time.

When did all this happen? It's like I'm stuck right at the start of the year and everything's been moving full speed ahead and leaving me behind. One moment she's there and the next moment she's gone. And I wait, I wait weeks and weeks for her to come back but she comes back this empty shell, her soul is out somewhere I don't know and all that remains are some pieces that gets fewer and fewer each time she leaves. She's getting more and more numb to everything he says, she doesn't care about him, he can't believe her. She's too busy, drowning in her busy world, everything bursting through the dams and flooding her insides and filling it up. He hates it, he hates how numb she's become, some sort of puppet doing the bidding of the world. He wants her to feel again, even if it's pain, feel something. Feel alive. But how can she feel when every fibre of her being is pulled by strings in every direction? Stretched out so far, she can't feel a thing, seams undone, eyes gone black, he doesn't know her anymore. He sees her body, her face, but her soul is foreign, who is this stranger speaking to him in such unfamiliar language? Where did she go? This other dimension we speak of, he can't go there, he can't save her, he can't pull her back. He cries unnoticed. His cries unheard. She's lost, happy, lost, gone, misted.

He misses how she'd lay with him to sleep.